To: Laughing One Jelly Bean Dear Mr. Bean, or may I call you Jelly? I am writing at the behest of my client Share F. Long to whose attention has come your illustrious writing. She especially liked the points you made to Doc this morning. Anyway, she has warned me that if I don't get off my tukas, which unfortunately I do have to sit on in order to write at my computer ha ha. Anyway, Missy Share has urged me to contact you saying that if I don't, some other agent will scoop you up, well, just like a scooper full of jelly beans! And many of these agents are not as attuned to their clients every need and wish as I am. Just ask my mother.
So here I am offering to be your agent as you navigate the slippery and treacherous byways and bylines of Hollywood, not to mention FFL. Perhaps we could meet for lunch and I promise you I'm not the foodie that Miss Share F is so we can go anywhere you'd like. My treat! One last slightly delicate issue: I realize that coming from a Border State as I do, I really can't appreciate the depth of loyalty in a True Southerner such as yourself. However I am hoping you won't hold that accident of birth agin me and find it in your heart to consider my request to be your hard working and ever proud yet humble agent. Sincerely wishing you all the best, Wilbur Farnsworpy Tigglewud III PS Once you become my adored client, if you ever give me monogrammed mugs or ties or pet rocks, please refrain from using the traditional form of monogramming wherein the initial of the last name is placed in the middle. Someday when we have become much closer, I will share with you the tragic events that render me so vulnerable in this area of life. Sniff sniff... ________________________________ From: laughinggull108 <no_re...@yahoogroups.com> To: FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com Sent: Saturday, March 23, 2013 10:05 PM Subject: [FairfieldLife] Re: Blessed are platitude puking Gurus !!! To all interested. When we last left LJB and our three seekers, seekers Share and Steve were yadda yadda yadda in the lush vegetation just inches away from the clear-flowing river while seeker Xeno had spent an indeterminant length of time either deep in samadhi or sloughing off hopefully the final remnants of deep fatigue in his nervous system...judging from the wet spot on his shirt front, we can safely assume the latter. As the scene opens, Nellie J's "Price Tag" (http://youtu.be/qMxX-QOV9tI) can be heard playing softly from the beat up Sony boom-box on the seat in the cab of the beat up saffron-colored Ford Ranger mini-pickup truck. As in the last scene, LJB is leaning in close to seeker Xeno, and in a louder and slightly more impatient voice says: "Take one or two minutes and slowly open the eyes." As seeker Xeno's eyes begin to flutter open, seekers Share's and Steve's begin to close as the heavy and intoxicatingly sweet fragrance of lilac, along with the natural lullaby of the clear-flowing river, gently lulls them to sleep...not to mention the velvety cushion of soft green moss against which both are languidly reclined. (Happy now, Steve???) When he is once more able to focus, seeker Xeno's eyes fall on the vast assortment of objects that LJB has so artfully and tastefully arranged on the downturned tailgate of the pick-up truck. In the shadows under the wooden camper shell can be seen various beat up cardboard boxes in a state of disarray with their contents spilling out across the bed of the truck. "Could I interest you seeker Xeno in various rare and sacred objects guaranteed to begin the cleansing and purifying process to the extent that His Worshipfulness will deign to bestow a brief moment of His coveted attention upon your sorry ass...uh, I mean unrealized small 's' self?" croons LJB in his best Og Mandino impression. In a somewhat croaky yet quiet whisper so that seekers Share and Share can't hear, seeker Xeno asks "May I please buy four cups of water to assuage my rabid thirst?" "Certainly," smiles LJB as he walks a mere two feet away and dips an empty quart bottle in the clear-flowing river and hands it to seeker Xeno. "That will be $10 please." "Now wait just a darn minute, O Laughing One" protests seeker Xeno, who obviously came out of meditation a little too quickly. "Earlier you said water was $2 a cup so by my calculation four cups would only be $8." "Yes, dear seeker Xeno, that is true," croons LJB in his most soothing voice. "But four cups is equal to a quart of water, and the price of a quart of water is $10. If you're running low on funds, I conveniently accept credit or debit cards for a very modest 5% surcharge over and above my very fair purchase prices." Slightly confused because he came out of meditation a little too quickly, and his rabid thirst getting the better of him, seeker Xeno hands over his gold Amex card to which LJB smiles gleefully as soon as he turns to go ring up the charge. "Why don't I just hold on to this until all our purchases are complete, hmmm?" he asks, to which seeker Xeno, in a daze and staring at a group of people further down the clear-flowing river dipping out cool water by the gallon, mutters, "Huh? Whatever." Suddenly, and with utter finality, the veil lifts, and with a clarity of understanding experienced previously only for the very briefest of moments, no longer a seeker Xeno proclaims, "O Laughing One, I am now the one who is laughing because the water is, and has always been, free." A momentary look of fear and panic clouds LJB's face as he realizes no longer a seeker Xeno has discovered the truth, but quickly turns to disappointment as he realizes he has just lost his best customer in weeks. "What has been sought has been found. You have no need for these earthly objects nor the attention or presence of my Master Raviji, so go from here and find your own self-proclaimed door lackeys." As Xeno is seen disappearing into the setting sun whistling "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah" further down the river, seekers Share and Steve can be seen stumbling towards the clearing in which sits the beat up saffron-colored Ford Ranger mini-pickup truck. As the scene slowly fades to black, seeker Share can be heard excitedly saying, "Oh look Stevie at all these wonderful things. I must have one of these and, and three of those and, and...Stevie, would you be a dear and buy us another quart of water...and what are those things in that box back there..." as LJB's face turns from sadness and disappointment to absolute and utter joy, and he croons, "Right this way, seeker Share, right this way. Have I got something special just for you..." [to be continued for a substantial yet very modest fee]
