>What I definetly DONT want is a smartphone or any other
>NSA/CIA/MOSSAD/KGB/whetever-sponsored tracking device...

Because of this point alone no currently on-market cellular device
will fulfill your needs. Incl. chromebooks or tablets with cellular
capability.

Barring a small laptop the best you could do would probably be a
mini-ITX board in a custom enclosure, but that's fairly large for the
intended purpose.

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