right now i am so amazed that perhaps i won't make sense. i had absolutley no idea that life could be so different, that i could be so different. as i said before, i finally agreed to go on to medication because i found the mood swings a pain to deal with. the drug i am on is a drug that is widely used for the treatment of epilepsy and neuraligia. it is also used to treat mood disorders. i have struggled for most of my life with mood swings and odd behaviour. i think were i a child now i might have been diagnosed with ADD or something. becase of the horrendous events of my childhood i have, for most of my adulthood believed that i was the way i was becasue of that. to a lrage extent that is true. but it was not the whole story, as i now know. I had an EEG which showed that my brain did not behave as it ought to. this was forgotten about and not followed up on, i guess in part because of my moving around a lot and because of Drs with not enough time or care. After years of therapy, which did wonders, and the move to more peaceful surroundings, i assumed i was as well as i would get and in fact thought i was well! the other things i did, or was not able to do, i accepted as just me, part of me. i was so used to these things, i thought they were normal. here i have the most wonderful doctor in Elizabeth.(she by the way is a Xtian and we talk about God and stuff quite a bit. i add this just to show i do not have a problem with xtians per se, as it suits some people think, but with bigotry and ignorance). Since i have been her patient, she has always treated me with the utmost regard. she also has done her job properly, made herself aware of the wonky EEG, and my past. she spent 2 1/2 years convincing me that my problems were beyond my control, that my brain did not function as it should. with great trepidation, i finally agreed to go onto the med she recommended. I am in shock still at the difference it has made. all the things I thought were normal for me, and nothing to do with being ill, have gone! I am not talking about my moods here. I am talking about not being able to concentrate for long, my mind going blank mid converstaion, my zoning out and losing periods of time as a result, my need to sleep 2 hrs in the afternoon, my short temperedness, my stuttering, my involuntary body movements, obsessional thinking and worrying, the confusion, the feeling like i am trapped, being 'fogged', the terror i would feel to a lesser or greater degree all the time, the forgetting how to do things i have done for years, the numbing of my emotions, the visual disturbances, the balance disturbances, the feeling of moving thru treacle, the hyperactivity when in an another frame of mind, behaving oddly in blackout.
ALL of these things have gone. i have never felt like this. never. i am so amazed, truly astounded. i did not know how ill i still was. i did not know how ill i had always been! I have no doubt at all now that the abuse issues and the brain thing are SEPARATE things! In 12 step groups there is a widespread opinion that all things will be overcome by working the program and being honest with one's self. The use of drugs is frowned upon(and in some groups people will be barred or hounded for their use).(despite the fact that Bill W, the founder makes it clear he used nmeds and that it was between dr and patient and not the remit of the program). Vulnerable people are of course easy prey for such power freaks, as I was. So I not only believed it, i spouted the same crap. Now I know different. The good thing is, i am unaware physically that i am taking anything. the benefits are , i know i have said it already, astounding. I will have to stay on this for the rest of my life now. I have wondered about long term use effects but now feel that if it causes my life to be shorter, then so be it. i'd rather live a full life than the half life i have been living. It seems that for the first time in 43 years, i am living rather than surviving and i just didn't know that was possible. -- bw colin DAK,BRO GC, 950i, 940,860,864,890, 260,Silver 830,860, 580 and 270, Passap 6000, Duo80. [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://www.tantra-apso.com
