Laff A Day - December 11, 1998
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Hello folks,
One of the most frequent questions I am asked is: 'Would
you be so kind as to tell me the process you employ in
selecting your satirical comments and confabulations?'
OK, OK, you got me. The requests I get are more like: 'Hey,
TZ, how do you pick those jokes you use, because you suck?'
Either way it's a good question. So, we, the joke
committee, thought it would be fun to have you sit in on a
joke selection power session. Let's join one already in
progress.
JB: Are you nuts! We can't use that, the Mormons will
freak!
BC: Mormons? They've got multiple wives, they don't even
have time to be on-line. Jeeze, they're practically Amish.
TZ: No they're not, they're totally different. The Mormons
believe….
JB/BC in unison: Oh, shut up!
BC: What about the one with Pat Robertson, Jimmy Swaggart
and Hitler sweating it out on Judgment Day?
JB: Yeah, maybe we can run that one.
TZ: You may want to reconsider because the 'Jesus with
holes in his feet' joke got some pretty bad feedback….
JB/BC in unison: Oh, shut the hell up!
JB: Well, let's use the one about the retarded guy, the
blind guy and the chicken.
BC: OK.
TZ: I don't want to sign my name below that one. I felt so
sorry for the chicken that I cried when I read it….
JB/BC: Shut up! Just run what we tell you to, damn it!
So now you know how we pick the jokes and who's responsible
for the offensive material. It's those bastards JB and BC.
Segue into a plug. Our sponsor today is Catalog City and
I would really appreciate your visiting them. You can find
practically anything in the world via their website, so let
them help you with your Christmas shopping. And, yes, you
can get your purchases delivered before Christmas.
Appreciatively,
TZ
Oh, yeah, only 20 days until we're McBeal-less.
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An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto
accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma
for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she
panics and asks about her baby.
Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then
he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see
you recovering", he says.
The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my
baby? Is everything all right?"
He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to
perform a fairly normal delivery procedure. In fact," he
goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl."
The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new
babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already
sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and
tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your
brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the
babies names."
At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is
an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?"
The doctor answered, "Her name is Denise."
"Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my
boy?"
The doctor answered, "Denephew".
Thanks to our good friend Beverly Chang
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Young man: "I want to marry your daughter Betty, sir."
Father: "Have you seen my wife yet?"
Young man: "Yes, but I don't think Betty will be like her."
Thanks Sei Kien
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A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus
Christ. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother.
She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His
father is also busy so he asks his brother. His brother
kicks him out of the room because he doesn't have time to
answer his stupid questions, so he goes downtown and sees
a bum in an alley.
He asks the bum, "Who's Jesus Christ?"
The bum replies, "Well, I am."
The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum
takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him
inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims,
"Jesus Christ, are you in here again?"
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Researchers say they've discovered a tree extract that
could help to prevent herpes...
.. Must be a rubber tree...
Thanks to Rodney at comedyontap.com
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TOP FIVE REASONS ALLY MCBEAL DOESN'T PIRATE SOFTWARE
1. Software Piracy gives Ally even more angst.
2. She's wishy, she's washy, she's flirty, she's scrawny,
but she's no software pirate.
3. Software Piracy is what got Courtney Thorne Smith thrown
off of Melrose Place.
4. Duh, they're lawyers.
5. Elaine would turn her in at http://www.nopiracy.com
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