What I've learned so far in my 40's: 1. This too shall pass.
2. Underneath our egos, fashion, persona, achievements, ideas and goals we are all wet, naked, shivering, starving babies wanting to be hugged. 3. Don't believe every thought you have. 4. When seen from the frame of reference of the heat death of the universe, almost everything is less serious than your mind makes it out to be. 5. It is almost universally better to have a nice walk than to argue with somebody who disagrees with you on the internet. 6. The past is over. The future has not arrived yet. All you have is this. very. moment. Try and live in it as much as you can. Thaths On Wed May 21 2014 at 3:00:46 PM, Danese Cooper <dan...@gmail.com> wrote: > Okay...here's my wisdom (at the age of 55). Re-reading before I hit send, > I realize some of this sounds relentlessly cheerful or optimistic and I > want to preface by saying I have also suffered setbacks in my life that > might have left me embittered (but wiser), but for whatever reason I am > wired to minimize the troughs and revel in the peaks of life. I really do > believe that the journey is the reward and that I profit more from taking a > long view than chafing at short-term issues. Its all illusion anyway, > invented to instruct my soul. If you got past this (and I'm sure there are > some on this list who are already rolling their eyes) then read ahead... > > 1. Its been said before, but "Don't sweat the small stuff" and "It's nearly > all small stuff" saved me from despair more than once along the road. Well > I remember the day (at Sun Microsystems) when in a heated debate it > suddenly came to me that we were arguing with a passion we could better put > to use solving REAL problems. Since then my work motto has been "It's only > software". Likewise in my family life I try not to get too emotionally > triggered when loved ones push my buttons. I can only control myself after > all, and for myself I choose to be happy. > > 2. "Use what you've been given". In the Game of Life, I believe there is > no shame in exploiting your own talents to the best possible effect (within > your own moral framework, of course). So I am untroubled as a feminist by > the fact that my first three "real" jobs were absolutely given to me > because the hiring manager fancied me ... I didn't feel I "owed" them any > special attention as a result and was clear about that. I know this point > will upset some of my friends. I was also graced with the ability to learn > many things very quickly. I am therefore untroubled in accepting work > where I don't "know" 100% of the skills required. This nuance may be lost > on male readers (we are told most men will apply for a job if they have 60% > of the skills described listed as "required" in a job posting, but most > women will only apply if they have 100% of those skills ... I fall in the > "male" camp here). > > 3. "Never Stop Learning". To the previous point ... the goal isn't to > become accomplished enough to gain some level of mastery and then coast > until you die. The goal is to stay open, flexible and learn all you can. > To this end, take risks and challenge yourself to keep learning. "Use It > or Lose It" isn't just about your body, it also applies to cognition, > capacity for joy, empathy, compassion and a host of other elements of being > an embodied soul. > > 4. Take a "How Hard Can It Be?" approach to everything. Often you can get > further than you even dreamed if you forge ahead despite predictions that > you will fail ... and often the goal you were shooting for turns out to be > incidental to the experience you gain. A companion to this advice is "It's > always better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission". The roll-up to > both of these guidelines is that risk-takers may lose a given skirmish, but > at least they do so from an active self. > > 5. "Sleep Is NOT For Sissies". Your body will carry you further if you > moderate all things (food, exercise, recreation and sleep). Your adrenals > will crash if you burn the candle at both ends for too long, and it can be > a long road back to functional health if that happens. Take care of your > body. Its the only one you'll be given this time around. > > > On Sun, May 18, 2014 at 8:07 PM, Udhay Shankar N <ud...@pobox.com> wrote: > > > This is a fun list. Please add your own discoveries here. > > > > Udhay > > > > > > http://mobile.nytimes.com/2014/03/01/opinion/sunday/ > what-you-learn-in-your-40s.html > > > > • Eight hours of continuous, unmedicated sleep is one of life’s great > > pleasures. Actually, scratch “unmedicated.” > > > > • There are no grown-ups. We suspect this when we are younger, but can > > confirm it only once we are the ones writing books and attending > > parent-teacher conferences. Everyone is winging it, some just do it > > more confidently. > > > > • There are no soul mates. Not in the traditional sense, at least. In > > my 20s someone told me that each person has not one but 30 soul mates > > walking the earth. (“Yes,” said a colleague, when I informed him of > > this, “and I’m trying to sleep with all of them.”) In fact, “soul > > mate” isn’t a pre-existing condition. It’s an earned title. They’re > > made over time. > > > > • You will miss out on some near soul mates. This goes for > > friendships, too. There will be unforgettable people with whom you > > have shared an excellent evening or a few days. Now they live in Hong > > Kong, and you will never see them again. That’s just how life is. > > > > • Emotional scenes are tiring and pointless. At a wedding many years > > ago, an older British gentleman who found me sulking in a corner > > helpfully explained that I was having a G.E.S. — a Ghastly Emotional > > Scene. In your 40s, these no longer seem necessary. For starters, > > you’re not invited to weddings anymore. And you and your partner know > > your ritual arguments so well, you can have them in a tenth of the > > time. > > > > • Forgive your exes, even the awful ones. They were just winging it, too. > > > > • When you meet someone extremely charming, be cautious instead of > > dazzled. By your 40s, you’ve gotten better at spotting narcissists > > before they ruin your life. You know that “nice” isn’t a sufficient > > quality for friendship, but it’s a necessary one. > > > > • People’s youthful quirks can harden into adult pathologies. What’s > > adorable at 20 can be worrisome at 30 and dangerous at 40. Also, at > > 40, you see the outlines of what your peers will look like when > > they’re 70. > > > > • More about you is universal than not universal. My unscientific > > assessment is that we are 95 percent cohort, 5 percent unique. Knowing > > this is a bit of a disappointment, and a bit of a relief. > > > > • But you find your tribe. Jerry Seinfeld said in an interview last > > year that his favorite part of the Emmy Awards was when the comedy > > writers went onstage to collect their prize. “You see these gnome-like > > cretins, just kind of all misshapen. And I go, ‘This is me. This is > > who I am. That’s my group.’ ” By your 40s, you don’t want to be with > > the cool people; you want to be with your people. > > > > • Just say “no.” Never suggest lunch with people you don’t want to > > have lunch with. They will be much less disappointed than you think. > > > > • You don’t have to decide whether God exists. Maybe he does and maybe > > he doesn’t. But when you’re already worrying that the National > > Security Agency is reading your emails (and as a foreigner in France, > > that you’re constantly breaking unspoken cultural rules), it’s better > > not to know whether yet another entity is watching you. > > > > Finally, a few more tips gleaned from four decades of experience: > > > > • Do not buy those too-small jeans, on the expectation that you will > > soon lose weight. > > > > • If you are invited to lunch with someone who works in the fashion > > industry, do not wear your most “fashionable” outfit. Wear black. > > > > • If you like the outfit on the mannequin, buy exactly what’s on the > > mannequin. Do not try to recreate the same look by yourself. > > > > • It’s O.K. if you don’t like jazz. > > > > • When you’re wondering whether she’s his daughter or his girlfriend, > > she’s his girlfriend. > > > > • When you’re unsure if it’s a woman or a man, it’s a woman. > > > > Pamela Druckerman is the author of “Bringing Up Bébé: One American > > Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting,” and a contributing > > opinion writer. > > > > > > -- > > > > ((Udhay Shankar N)) ((udhay @ pobox.com)) ((www.digeratus.com)) > > > > >
