Jude, I wasn't sure if you were directing your questions to Natalie or me, but I can add my two cents. The "finger thing" that you speak of is the digital stimulation. It is done by inserting one or two fingers in the rectum, to stimulate the anus which causes the bowels to move. As I said before, this was something that my husband had to do for me in the early stages of TM. To assume, that I feel worse than you, because I am a quad is very a sumptuous on your part. Apparently that isn't true, because I don't feel like ending it all. To be fair to you, I understand that feeling, because I've been through the 'why me" and" what did I do to deserve this" and "this is the end of life as I know it". Well, that was the end of life as I knew it. Now I have a brand-new life, in which I have to do things differently than the last life. While I was struggling to live in the early days of TM, I ask the good Lord to spare my life, to let me live it to see one more day. He saw fit to answer my prayers. When I was conscious enough to realize that I could move nothing but my head, I felt like I would have been better off not seeing another day. I was deeply depressed. My family was very supportive. My husband was by my side, day and night for two straight months. My daughter and son was begging me to hang on. My mother was there for me to cry on her shoulder. I felt if I gave up on life, I would have let all their prayers and care be in vain. That would be so selfish of me. I worked very hard to put the life that the Lord granted me, to good use. I worked hard in rehabilitation to gain some strength and movement. Just the tiniest of task completed was cause for celebration. Besides, I had my 49th birthday party in the hospital. In attendance were a host of friends, family, nurses, doctors, therapists and other patients who I had met along the way. I was only 48 years old! I still have a life to live. I still have something to give back to this world. I thank the Lord for sparing me my mind. I can still think on my own! I could still talk (once my throat healed from the ventilator). Oh yes! I was still alive and have something to offer. I think now about how much I would have missed if I had not lived. My daughter, Danielle and her husband Damon, has a two-year-old, Kayla, who light up the room as soon as she hit the door. She likes playing choo-choo train, while standing on my foot rest of my wheelchair, and us riding around the island in the kitchen. She loves playing elevator, while standing on my foot rest while I tilt the cheer up and down. She loves playing in my hospital bed and pushing the buttons to make it go up and down. She thinks coming to Mam Ma's house is like being in an amusement park. I think about how my daughter would have felt when she found out last week she was expecting again, and not be able to share that with me. My son, Dante, has a six year old son, who used to be my running buddy. We used to hit the science centers, children's museums, video game stores, McDonald's and anyplace else, we thought would be interesting. He is old enough to remember me when I wasn't confined to a wheelchair so it took him a little while to adjust to me being different than before. He is so smart and mature for his age. I think about how I would have missed him losing his first teeth. We took pictures of him without his front teeth. Jude, just think about those who you would leave behind that love you so much and would never recover from their loss. Yes, your life may be a little different now, but you are still you! Having Transverse Myelitis, changes all of our lives in different ways. Through all the bowel programs, self cathing, neuropathy, blurred vision, bladder problems, paralysis and all other things that come with TM, never lose sight that each day is a gift from God. I wake up every day, and thank the Lord that he let me see one more day. I can spend the day with my husband, children, grandchildren or friends. It's up to me to decide what I want to do with it. I spend a lot of my time on the computer. This is no big different from what I used to do before I had TM. I love the computer! I use Dragon NaturallySpeaking, voice recognition program to type what I say. The computer is my connection to the outside world. I do some online work for my nephew, who runs his own business. Natalie, there are people on this message board who you can always communicate with when you're feeling down and consider us family members and we are always concerned about your health and welfare. You can e-mail me directly at [EMAIL PROTECTED] _ (mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ) Ask your primary care physician to refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrist, and you may also want to check out some antidepressants. Do what ever it takes to get you to where you need to be mentally. Naomi C-4 quad since July 2, 2005
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