Oh, Gracie, don't be embarrassed. We can talk about anything on here and get very up close and personal and no one should be offended because we are all part of one and that is TM. If you need to ask questions, ask. If you have a worry, share it with us. If you want to cry, we'll cry with you. If you want to talk about sex, hey, we'll be right there to talk about it with you! Just remember that we are a family of friends. Jeanne
-------Original Message------- From: Grace M. Date: 6/24/2009 5:47:49 AM To: tmic-list@eskimo.com Subject: [TMIC] Re: (TMIC) Sex. I can't believe that I am going to reply to this, as it's an issue that I just try hard to avoid, but..... okay, so here goes. During my first NMO hit, I lost all feeling *there*. At first I was hopeful that it would slowly come back, but my second bad hit sealed the deal. I can remember lying in my hospital bed trying to get up the nerve to speak with my doc about it. Finally one day I mentioned it in passing, but didn't really press the matter---I was too embarrassed. Later that night, one of my neuro nurses came in to sit and talk with me about the disease, as I was her first NMO patient. We talked a lot about nerves and nerve damage, and as I was very savvy re: the implications of having relapsing NMO, we spoke freely. (She's amazing, and I've since had her as my nurse in the neuro ward, many times.) Finally, I just took a big swallow and blurted it out. She told me the truth, that in my case it was unlikely that feeling would return, but that one should still keep hoping that one day there would be some increase in sensation. She was correct---I have been numb from my sensory level downwards since 2005. Most of my body still feels as if it has been shot up with Novocaine. Anyways, I was shell shocked and actually mourned the loss. To lose something that is so integral to one's life, is a violation of sorts. It was bad enough that I had no control over my other bodily functions, but the loss of physical sexuality was adding insult to injury. I felt as if I had lost my *person-hood*, and had suddenly become androgynous. I still fight those feelings, and yes, sometimes I still cry about it. Sexual contact offers an intimacy like no other. Some of us are more sexual than others, and the loss can often be the cruelest cut of all. These days I try hard not to ever even think about it. Whenever I do, I become extremely angry at what I perceive to be the unfairness of it all, and I lose sight of what I do still have. I should be very grateful for every day that I draw a breath---unfortunately, sometimes the negative feelings get the better of me. For me, it's been a tough loss to deal with. Okay, signing off before I totally embarrass myself. Grace
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