Re: wow, I'm more fucked than I thought
Pretty fucked up shit, I have to say, but I mean, almost all of us have entertained sudden, powerful thoughts about commiting violent sexual acts on those who spurn us, having physical control over another who we dislike, brutally killing someone in a way that we've recently heard about happening to someone else, but they almost always pass very quickly and leave us feeling guilty, confused, and vaguely sickened afterwards.
Those are the undeniable, primal urges that, no matter how hard we tried as a species, could not simply be swept under the rug with the progression of social structure, because we are still animals, who's emotions, thoughts, and actions can still be influenced by a sudden influx of the chemicals that are produced by our own bodies.
However if they don't pass, if they persist over a significant length of time and incessantly hound you, it's time to talk to someone, period, before you do something that could ruin, or end, your life.<
br />The fact that you instinctually understand that this is wrong however, actively seeking assistance to stop these feelings from overtaking you, means that you are clearly not a true sociopath or psychopath.
Which I believe means that your true feelings about things, your core ethical structure and moral compass, the things that make you Human are still in tact inside, but are masked by an underlying mental illness or a significant chemical imbalance that has built up over time, possibly both, which is allot less uncommon than you may think
Personally, I don't think talking will help you, at least not right away, and I would instead focus on getting something to help balance those chemicals out, a controlled prescription, one given to you by a medical professional, and not a self medication like pot or boos, since they tend to only treat the symptoms and not the problem.
You probably won't have to take it for the rest of your life either, it's
generally 2 to 4 years unless it's something really serious, and almost certainly no more than once a day, as well, so there is no good excuse not to.
It's vital that you do something about this though, and keep with it for as long as is needed, if not for you than for others, because if you are truly driven to do these things, then you will find a way, blind or not.
Becoming what you fear most isn't worth the luxury of sitting on your ass wasting away, is what I'm trying to say, because that would probably be worse than just killing your self, or at least that's how I would see it if i was in your place, but you could probably prevent both of those things from happening if you made the effort.
Saving your self is most certainly worth it, since you have no idea what you might become some day, weather it's a simple thing, like being a good neighbor and friend, someone that helps strangers out when they are in need without expecting anythi
ng in return, even just being good at your job; or if you'll end up being the next big inventor of something that helps people somehow, the leader of an important organization or movement, hell you may even win the lottery and donate most of your winnings to charity.
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