On 1/21/2013 9:05 AM, Maia McCormick wrote:
An especially frustrating manifestation of booking ahead, in my mind, is
the mid-dance book-ahead with someone you're not already sure is interested
in dancing with you. I feel like it deserves a special mention just because
I personally find it very difficult and flustering to have to decline
someone or formulate any coherent response in the middle of a swing, say,
and so I usually just agree, and sometimes end up dancing with people that
I would rather not be dancing with.
The practice of booking the next dance while dancing the current one
bothers me, because it tends to lock out the people who are sitting out
this dance. (That seems like an extreme case, but I once sat out the
entire 3:00 - 4:00 am hour at a Dawn Dance because I took one dance off,
and for the subsequent four dances could not, from the sidelines, get a
partner - everybody I asked, for that whole time, had already booked. I
think the practice is rampant, but not universal, in the fireplace line
at the Scout House these days too, unless those dancers are saying "I
already have a partner" when they just mean "No, thank you.")
My suggestion to you personally, Maia, is that, knowing that you find
it flustering to deal with in the moment, you decide on a response for
the general case beforehand and mentally rehearse it. "No, thank you."
"I don't book in line." "Ask me later." "Can't hear you". "Already
booked". Whatever you want to say to people you don't want to dance
with who ask in line - don't lie or give false hope, or you'll just have
to give the same people the same response over and over - decide in
advance, practice/visualize saying it, and you'll have the response
ready when the situation comes up.
Which brings me to another point I've been wondering about: exactly how
much freedom does a dancer have to decline dance offers (assuming
non-booking-ahead)? Part of me feels that a pillar of contra is the
knowledge that you don't get turned down, and that anyone can dance with
anyone. But I feel very strongly that no one should have to dance with
someone who makes them uncomfortable. However, there's some sort of
confusing grey area in between. There are people I'd rather not dance with
because they make me acutely uncomfortable... and there are those that make
me slightly uncomfortable... there are those I find flashy and annoying, or
those whose swinging styles really don't fit with mine... You get the idea.
Not to seem like I don't want to dance with anyone but my friends--this
isn't the case--but I've always wondered just how much license the dancer
gets to choose their own partners, rather than accepting the first offer
that comes up. What are people's thoughts?
Even if you did only want to dance with your friends, that is your
perfect right. You have complete freedom to decline any offer you don't
want to accept for whatever reason and then accept an offer you do want
to accept. You are not required to offer an explanation.
(If you say no to Joe and then yes to Jerry and Joe's paying attention,
he'll get the message that you didn't want to dance with him and his
feelings may be hurt, but that's actually his business, not yours. It
would possibly be a kindness to Joe and to the community to tell Joe
"you twirl me too much" or "I don't like to do dips" if there's some
simple way he could alter his behavior that would let you enjoy dancing
with him, but it's not required, and just saying "No, thank you" means
you don't have to have a conversation and can each try to find other
partners.
If you only ever dance with a small subset of the people in the hall,
other people will eventually notice and have opinions - and that's still
their business, not yours.)
-- Alan
