Dear Robin, thank you for the beautiful response. I have no words to express how touched I am and your words make their way through my self-flagellation reminding me that it's time to stop with all that nonsense. It's nice to know that you are one of those people out there who will throw one a life-preserver. Sincerely, Emily
________________________________ From: Robin Carlsen <maskedze...@yahoo.com> To: FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com Sent: Monday, July 30, 2012 1:47 PM Subject: [FairfieldLife] Re: Ramblings around Leiden --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, Emily Reyn <emilymae.reyn@...> wrote: Dearest Robin, RC, RC(C) (subscript or superscript - let us say that the "C" stands for "compassionate" shall we? Just add that to your many personas) Emily1: You acknowledge me where I am, as I am, and you give me that gift. Yes, I took on life, but in a rebellious way and now I am forced to take a more gentle approach and I am pretty P.O'd when I'm not visiting the victim 'hood. Robin2: I simply sought in my letter to you, Emily, to find you in my experience, never knowing you in person. You engendered a certain feeling in me, and I thought I owed it to that feeling, therefore to you, to follow that feeling out to its natural and logical expression: which was of course to express my affection for you, and my desire to have the grace of life somehow heal you. Heal you, that is, to the extent that you can feel your present circumstances are becoming manageable. Again, in trying to address you here I am doing the same thing. Reality will have to do the rest. In a sense the very reality which first dealt you such a blow. I don't know objectively where words spoken to you from here in Toronto, Canada, can actually be carried somehow to you and make themselves felt in some way which creates even imperceptibly a difference—I doubt that. But I must do what I feel I cannot not do. And that is just to follow my moral intuition here. Essentially, then, I will be repeating the same act. But with no less inspiration and intention. Emily1: The inner drive, the energy that sustained me, my ability to write and think for a living, my physical stamina - I depended on these things - they defined me (took them for granted in hindsight.) These things have faded in the last 1.5 years - my emotions took over, demanded attention, overwhelmed me. Ahhh, WTF? Is it the hormones, is it the family of origin issues, is it my karma, is it the collapsed adrenal system, is it unprocessed grief, is it negative entities taking over, is it the diet, is it lack of spiritual discipline, is it that I am inherently flawed? Self-forgiveness is the hardest thing I do, or don't do as the case may be. In my elementary understanding and reading of well-known verse..."Jesus said, Father forgive them for they know not what they do." This helps me forgive others, but I give myself no such out. Robin2: This seems an inexplicable and almost entirely gratuitous blow of fate, Emily. I cannot discern how providence (the plan that God has for you—if we can just relate to that metaphorically: which amounts to saying that "everything happens for a reason"—a saying I recoil at, because it is so often uttered at a level of experience that doesn't bite into reality at all) can justify having deprived you of so much of what was strong and creative and masterful in your life. This utterly confounds me, Emily. But I am not so naive as to pretend I could possibly understand the causality of this—You have offered various explanatory candidates for your present suffering and the enervation of will. I suppose, I am just discovering this, I can only pray for you (In my own way, which for me is just realizing that I care for you and want you and your life to be different; that is, indeed, how I shall pray for you). I don't of course have any personal responsibility in all this, but the fairness, the sincerity, the intelligence, and the common sense in you seems quite remarkable to me. I have to respond to you, Emily. You have said things in your posts, offered perspectives, tracked your own sense of truth in ways which compel me enough to write to you personally. And so I have, and so I am.). Emily1: My new philosophy is "pay attention to the next indicated step." It's all I can do..show up for drill...try to stay present. My memory fails me....what is happening "now"? Oh yeah, I have a dog and the kids are still here. Alright then, off to a walk in the park and a visit to the counselor. Our new thing. (I'm a hard ass if you didn't know...my kids will tell you I lack compassion.) I said: "Either you agree to family counseling or you move out. Period. Oh, you are only 15 (to the youngest)? I don't care." They believe me. I'm firm, not always fair, and not always consistent, but they believe me. It's my latest attempt to salvage the family and after today's session, my oldest thinks there may be a glimmer of hope. Small steps. Robin2: What I get from this, Emily, is conviction, courage, and the determination to respond to the painful and disquieting—and even debilitating—challenge that is coming at you frontally in your life these last eighteen months. And I sense that whatever is the specific efficacy of this counselling, the very act of going through this process is itself an honest and appropriate response to your predicament. I give you all my support, and I am sure, whatever is the response of your children, they respect your seriousness here, and your willingness to stand by your decisions—not just for you, but for them too. I again send my prayers out to you, Emily. And to your children. Emily1: You have been mentioning my name of late...every time, I say "What?" "Do you mean me?" "Seriously?" "Where are my poetry books?" The last philosophy I really remember reading was while on long passages on a sailboat back in my 20's - Nietzsche, Kierkegaard and then the novels , Siddhartha and Madame Bovary, as I recall. Where was Jung? I should read Jung perhaps. I have so many books. Robin2: *You* are a book to read, Emily. There is a lot inside of you, and I, not with some sense of disconnected-from-life optimism, feel you must eventually rise again to what for you will be an acceptable level of strength and competence and ease in your life. It ain't easy being inside this cosmos. And if it seems that way [to others], the anaesthetic probably hasn't worn off. For you you are up against something very real and hurtful. But, no matter what are the circumstances you find yourself in—this diminution of your own personal sense of control over your life, your pecuniary status, your performance professionally—there is someone with a will to struggle, fight, prevail—It is there, and I feel this. So I cannot believe the trend is negative, Emily. And there are persons on this forum whom I know feel the same way I do. The thoughts we have about you, they have to make *some* difference. Because none of us think you pathetic or weak or disgraced in any way. Emily1: Now Robin, baby, I want to tell you that your posts always surprise me. All of them. I look forward to reading them. I am so happy you are here for now. How funny the Iranitea exchange was. How fabulous is Share to chat unconditionally with you. Unlike Marek, I don't see FFL as a violent place - all that makes me laugh. Not unlike today's Prairie Home Companion. They did the skit on conflict avoidance that was so funny. Share, are you reading this? This is for you. You have to imagine the voices of Garrison Keillor and the typical radio female of that show. http://prairiehome.publicradio.org/programs/2011/10/08/scripts/sailboat.shtml Robin2: "Sailboat" with GK—this is a kind of remedy in itself, Emily! So good. Loved it. Glad this came your way. More exercise for SL's philosophy! Thank you for your comments about my posts. I am not really sure about the reasons why I post at FFL. But I suppose it has everything (at least this is what I *think* it does) to do with finding myself and testing out the existential philosophy that is post-TM, post-enlightenment, and of course post-TM. There are some very good posters here—I mean quality human beings—so I feel grateful to Rick for inviting me to post. I have learned a lot; it has made me stronger—and, I think, wiser. Besides, I have the opportunity given to me right here to give myself to someone through my intense desire to alleviate some of your suffering and despair. We love you, Emily! Emily2: On FFL, the currently departed Mr. Price helped me claim and own pieces of my past and places I had been that I had hidden far away from others for many long years. He gave me the gift of forgiveness and I love him for that. You give it to me as well. I allow it in when outside, in the trees, at the beach. The ocean is so extraordinary - subtly and vastly different at every beach - it cares not about our little concerns - it is relentless in it's beauty. It washes over me again and again and I cry in gratitude. Robin2: Yes, that BP guy, he was very very good. You should contemplate doing TM so as to draw his wife back onto FFL to encourage you to take up the practice—that way we might draw him back into our world. But I doubt it. Just playing there, Emily—and I know you knew this; but that was a very impressive letter "Mrs Price" wrote to you about TM and edifying I believe for all FFL readers. I don't get to see the ocean much these days, but I spent two-thirds of my life on the west coast, and the ocean meant everything to me. Alone walking along St Augustine Beach, or the beach of St Simon's Island, or even South Beach, Siesta Key in Sarasota, and of course my favourite beach, Naples: these have all been more than a substitute for once living on or very near the ocean for most of my life. The ocean has that kind of "murderous innocence"—it reminds me of just what you say: its "relentless beauty". And while it is true it looks upon us indifferently, I conceive of why there is even an ocean, and then I think there was a maker of the ocean. And for me, Emily, that means there—somewhere—is the maker of Emily—the maker of your children, and the maker of this moment when my heart tries to understand your own heart. Robin > ________________________________ > From: Robin Carlsen <maskedzebra@...> > To: FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com > Sent: Sunday, July 29, 2012 7:34 AM > Subject: [FairfieldLife] Re: Ramblings around Leiden > > >  > Dear Emily, > > I can't help but feel the struggle and trauma of what you have been passing > through for some time now: "I have fallen from the top of my game to not > being in the game at all in a pretty short timeframe, with no end in sight, > and a lot of responsibilities remaining". I wish I could offer up a remedy; > and obviously you have read too much on this forum not to have anything more > than an ambivalent attitude towards Transcendental Meditation. > Neverthelessâ€"and in a way which I suppose is quite different from the Share > Long approachâ€"I would reach out to you with my caring for you, even as I > don't know you at all. But anyone who has followed your posts at FFL must > know the willingness of yourself to take on lifeâ€"and what it seems to be > dishing out to youâ€"and to not be conquered by your misfortune. For myself, > regardless of what you write on FFL, I sense someone who deserves the good > will and the love of those who would wish someone who has suffered as you > have sufferedâ€"and who is the appealing human being that you areâ€"to > receive the grace to be healed, and for your life to not be as hard as it has > been. > > So, Emily, I can do nothing by way of recommending gurus or spiritual > practices; but I can extend my heart to you with real feeling and honesty of > intention, and at least know that you will believe me when I say I care about > youâ€"and your children. So, all this amounts to is a kind of personal prayer > that life in its terrible complexity and hiddenness (in terms of the meaning > it has in mind in making you descend from such a height as you haveâ€"from > professional success and mastery to a sense of being defeated and held down) > will somehow turn around for you, and we can all rejoice in learning that > somehow you are being given some greater support and strength. To know, then, > that you will make it and you will not be thrown down into any kind of final > helplessness and futility. I think I will just say it, Emily: I feel a real > affection for you and this post is just to make that known to you. > > Sincerely. > > Robin > > Awww, so nice. I don't require acknowledgment and I'm practicing listening, > which my kids say I don't do enough of. I am a chirper in my current state > and am not in the least offended; in fact FFL seldom offends me > personally...and when it does, not for long. Mostly I laugh, which is a good > thing. > > I'm not as nimble as most of ya'll, either in verse or intellectual musings > or spiritual discourse or witticisms (is that a word?). I enjoy reading and > trying to assimilate what crosses here. My brain still doesn't work the way > it used to and I am beginning to seriously worry as I have fallen from the > top of my game to not being in the game at all in a pretty short timeframe, > with no end in sight, and a lot of responsibilities remaining. I have been > hiding and in denial about many things. But, I'm coming out of my denial and > as I have yet to be diagnosed with a terminal illness, it looks like I'm > going to *really* have to reinvent my life before all the money runs out. > There is no going back. > > From: Robin Carlsen <maskedzebra@> > To: FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com > Sent: Friday, July 27, 2012 12:12 PM > Subject: [FairfieldLife] Re: Ramblings around Leiden > > Dear Bhairitu, > > Very good point, Bhairitu. I wanted to insult Emily, but thought no one would > notice. You caught my real intention hereâ€"and I am found out. > > Is there any way I can expiate for my derogatory remark? > > Your objection (which nailed me good) reminds me of the idea of poetry: > "imaginary gardens with real toads in them". > > But I, for one, am glad that the Pudget Sound lady graces us once in awhile > by rubbing her wings together to create a distinct chirp,â€"which, you > will observe, silences. > > Robin > > --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, Bhairitu <noozguru@> wrote: > > > > So now you're calling Emily a cricket? You're pretty amazing, Robin. :-D > > > > On 07/27/2012 09:56 AM, Robin Carlsen wrote: > > > There is a cricket named Emily who just chirped. Did any of you guys hear > > > her? Her chirp seems to be one sound that is not to be heard. One person > > > heard the chirp and pulled out his noise-maker. And then the other > > > noise-makers all came out. I guess I was just hearing things. Pretty soon > > > it will be as if the cricket named Emily never did chirp. > > > > > > --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, Bhairitu <noozguru@> wrote: > > >> On 07/27/2012 01:44 AM, turquoiseb wrote: > > >>> --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, nablusoss1008 <no_reply@> wrote: > > >>>> --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, Bhairitu <noozguru@> wrote: > > >>>>>> Nothing in Holland is far from Vlodrop, including Leiden :-) > > >>>>> Ever been to the states, Nabby? Some of our states are bigger > > >>>>> than some of the European countries (including the larger ones). > > >>>> I know, I've driven through endless cornfields probably bigger > > >>>> than the entire Holland :-) My point was that perhaps the > > >>>> Turq-fellow finally was picking up some silence from Vlodrop. > > >>> Nabby's point was self importance, and trying to suggest > > >>> that Maharishi and the TMO could "take credit" for the > > >>> silence I feel around Leiden. > > >> Do you have crickets chirping in the evening as I have around here? I > > >> even have a freeway about a block away but out here it is "country > > >> quiet" with all the amenities of an suburban city. Such are the > > >> benefits of living in what was once John Muir's orchard. ;-) > > >> > > > > > --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, Emily Reyn <emilymae.reyn@> wrote: > > > > Awww, so nice.  I don't require acknowledgment and I'm practicing > > listening, which my kids say I don't do enough of.  I am a chirper in my > > current state and am not in the least offended; in fact FFL seldom offends > > me personally...and when it does, not for long.  Mostly I laugh, which > > is a good thing.  > > > > I'm not as nimble as most of ya'll, either in verse or intellectual musings > > or spiritual discourse or witticisms (is that a word?).  I enjoy reading > > and trying to assimilate what crosses here.  My brain still doesn't work > > the way it used to and I am beginning to seriously worry as I have fallen > > from the top of my game to not being in the game at all in a pretty short > > timeframe, with no end in sight, and a lot of responsibilities remaining. > >  I have been hiding and in denial about many things.  But, I'm coming > > out of my denial and as I have yet to be diagnosed with a terminal illness, > > it looks like I'm going to *really* have to reinvent my life before all the > > money runs out.  There is no going back.  > > > > > > > > > > ________________________________ > > From: Robin Carlsen <maskedzebra@> > > To: FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com > > Sent: Friday, July 27, 2012 12:12 PM > > Subject: [FairfieldLife] Re: Ramblings around Leiden > > > > > >  > > Dear Bhairitu, > > > > Very good point, Bhairitu. I wanted to insult Emily, but thought no one > > would notice. You caught my real intention hereâ€"and I am found out. > > > > Is there any way I can expiate for my derogatory remark? > > > > Your objection (which nailed me good) reminds me of the idea of poetry: > > "imaginary gardens with real toads in them". > > > > But I, for one, am glad that the Pudget Sound lady graces us once in awhile > > by rubbing her wings together to create a distinct chirp,â€"which, you > > will observe, silences. > > > > Robin > > > > --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, Bhairitu <noozguru@> wrote: > > > > > > So now you're calling Emily a cricket? You're pretty amazing, Robin. :-D > > > > > > On 07/27/2012 09:56 AM, Robin Carlsen wrote: > > > > There is a cricket named Emily who just chirped. Did any of you guys > > > > hear her? Her chirp seems to be one sound that is not to be heard. One > > > > person heard the chirp and pulled out his noise-maker. And then the > > > > other noise-makers all came out. I guess I was just hearing things. > > > > Pretty soon it will be as if the cricket named Emily never did chirp. > > > > > > > > --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, Bhairitu <noozguru@> wrote: > > > >> On 07/27/2012 01:44 AM, turquoiseb wrote: > > > >>> --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, nablusoss1008 <no_reply@> wrote: > > > >>>> --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, Bhairitu <noozguru@> wrote: > > > >>>>>> Nothing in Holland is far from Vlodrop, including Leiden :-) > > > >>>>> Ever been to the states, Nabby? Some of our states are bigger > > > >>>>> than some of the European countries (including the larger ones). > > > >>>> I know, I've driven through endless cornfields probably bigger > > > >>>> than the entire Holland :-) My point was that perhaps the > > > >>>> Turq-fellow finally was picking up some silence from Vlodrop. > > > >>> Nabby's point was self importance, and trying to suggest > > > >>> that Maharishi and the TMO could "take credit" for the > > > >>> silence I feel around Leiden. > > > >> Do you have crickets chirping in the evening as I have around here? I > > > >> even have a freeway about a block away but out here it is "country > > > >> quiet" with all the amenities of an suburban city. Such are the > > > >> benefits of living in what was once John Muir's orchard. ;-) > > > >> > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
