Dearest Robin, I'm going to let you get away with this one.
________________________________ From: Robin Carlsen <maskedze...@yahoo.com> To: FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com Sent: Saturday, August 18, 2012 3:20 PM Subject: [FairfieldLife] Re: Ramblings around Leiden --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, Emily Reyn <emilymae.reyn@...> wrote: > > Dearest Robin, RC, RC(C) (subscript or superscript - let us say that the "C" > stands for "compassionate" shall we?  Just add that to your many personas)  > > You acknowledge me where I am, as I am, and you give me that gift.  Yes, I > took on life, but in a rebellious way and now I am forced to take a more > gentle approach and I am pretty P.O'd when I'm not visiting the victim 'hood. >  > > The inner drive, the energy that sustained me, my ability to write and think > for a living, my physical stamina - I depended on these things - they defined > me (took them for granted in hindsight.) These things have faded in the last > 1.5 years - my emotions took over, demanded attention, overwhelmed me. >  Ahhh, WTF?  Is it the hormones, is it the family of origin issues, is it > my karma, is it the collapsed adrenal system, is it unprocessed grief, is it > negative entities taking over, is it the diet, is it lack of spiritual > discipline, is it that I am inherently flawed?  Self-forgiveness is the > hardest thing I do, or don't do as the case may be.  In my elementary > understanding and reading of well-known verse..."Jesus said, Father forgive > them for they know not what they do."  This helps me forgive others, but I > give myself no such out.  > > My new philosophy is "pay attention to the next indicated step."  It's all I > can do..show up for drill...try to stay present.  My memory fails me....what > is happening "now"?  Oh yeah, I have a dog and the kids are still here. >  Alright then, off to a walk in the park and a visit to the counselor.  Our > new thing. (I'm a hard ass if you didn't know...my kids will tell you I lack > compassion.)  I said: "Either you agree to family counseling or you move > out.  Period. Oh, you are only 15 (to the youngest)?  I don't care."  They > believe me.  I'm firm, not always fair, and not always consistent, but they > believe me. It's my latest attempt to salvage the family and after today's > session, my oldest thinks there may be a glimmer of hope.  Small steps.  > > You have been mentioning my name of late...every time, I say "What?"  "Do > you mean me?"  "Seriously?"  "Where are my poetry books?" The last > philosophy I really remember reading was while on long passages on a sailboat > back in my 20's - Nietzsche, Kierkegaard and then the novels , Siddhartha > and Madame Bovary, as I recall.  Where was Jung? I should read Jung > perhaps.  I have so many books. > > Now Robin, baby, I want to tell you that your posts always surprise me.  All > of them.  I look forward to reading them.  I am so happy you are here for > now.  How funny the Iranitea exchange was.  How fabulous is Share to chat > unconditionally with you.  Unlike Marek, I don't see FFL as a violent place > - all that makes me laugh.  Not unlike today's Prairie Home Companion. >  They did the skit on conflict avoidance that was so funny.  Share, are you > reading this?  This is for you.  You have to imagine the voices of Garrison > Keillor and the typical radio female of that show. > > http://prairiehome.publicradio.org/programs/2011/10/08/scripts/sailboat.shtml > > > On FFL, the currently departed Mr. Price helped me claim and own pieces of my > past and places I had been that I had hidden far away from others for many > long years.  He gave me the gift of forgiveness and I love him for that. >  You give it to me as well.  I allow it in when outside, in the trees, at > the beach.  The ocean is so extraordinary - subtly and vastly different at > every beach - it cares not about our little concerns - it is relentless in > it's beauty. It washes over me again and again and I cry in gratitude.  http://tinyurl.com/6esha4 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4nUFxsZqpA ________________________________ > From: Robin Carlsen <maskedzebra@...> > To: FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com > Sent: Sunday, July 29, 2012 7:34 AM > Subject: [FairfieldLife] Re: Ramblings around Leiden > > >  > Dear Emily, > > I can't help but feel the struggle and trauma of what you have been passing > through for some time now: "I have fallen from the top of my game to not > being in the game at all in a pretty short timeframe, with no end in sight, > and a lot of responsibilities remaining". I wish I could offer up a remedy; > and obviously you have read too much on this forum not to have anything more > than an ambivalent attitude towards Transcendental Meditation. > Neverthelessâ€"and in a way which I suppose is quite different from the Share > Long approachâ€"I would reach out to you with my caring for you, even as I > don't know you at all. But anyone who has followed your posts at FFL must > know the willingness of yourself to take on lifeâ€"and what it seems to be > dishing out to youâ€"and to not be conquered by your misfortune. For myself, > regardless of what you write on FFL, I sense someone who deserves the good > will and the love of those who would wish someone who has suffered as you > have sufferedâ€"and who is the appealing human being that you areâ€"to > receive the grace to be healed, and for your life to not be as hard as it has > been. > > So, Emily, I can do nothing by way of recommending gurus or spiritual > practices; but I can extend my heart to you with real feeling and honesty of > intention, and at least know that you will believe me when I say I care about > youâ€"and your children. So, all this amounts to is a kind of personal prayer > that life in its terrible complexity and hiddenness (in terms of the meaning > it has in mind in making you descend from such a height as you haveâ€"from > professional success and mastery to a sense of being defeated and held down) > will somehow turn around for you, and we can all rejoice in learning that > somehow you are being given some greater support and strength. To know, then, > that you will make it and you will not be thrown down into any kind of final > helplessness and futility. I think I will just say it, Emily: I feel a real > affection for you and this post is just to make that known to you. > > Sincerely. > > Robin > > Awww, so nice. I don't require acknowledgment and I'm practicing listening, > which my kids say I don't do enough of. I am a chirper in my current state > and am not in the least offended; in fact FFL seldom offends me > personally...and when it does, not for long. Mostly I laugh, which is a good > thing. > > I'm not as nimble as most of ya'll, either in verse or intellectual musings > or spiritual discourse or witticisms (is that a word?). I enjoy reading and > trying to assimilate what crosses here. My brain still doesn't work the way > it used to and I am beginning to seriously worry as I have fallen from the > top of my game to not being in the game at all in a pretty short timeframe, > with no end in sight, and a lot of responsibilities remaining. I have been > hiding and in denial about many things. But, I'm coming out of my denial and > as I have yet to be diagnosed with a terminal illness, it looks like I'm > going to *really* have to reinvent my life before all the money runs out. > There is no going back. > > From: Robin Carlsen <maskedzebra@> > To: FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com > Sent: Friday, July 27, 2012 12:12 PM > Subject: [FairfieldLife] Re: Ramblings around Leiden > > Dear Bhairitu, > > Very good point, Bhairitu. I wanted to insult Emily, but thought no one would > notice. You caught my real intention hereâ€"and I am found out. > > Is there any way I can expiate for my derogatory remark? > > Your objection (which nailed me good) reminds me of the idea of poetry: > "imaginary gardens with real toads in them". > > But I, for one, am glad that the Pudget Sound lady graces us once in awhile > by rubbing her wings together to create a distinct chirp,â€"which, you > will observe, silences. > > Robin > > --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, Bhairitu <noozguru@> wrote: > > > > So now you're calling Emily a cricket? You're pretty amazing, Robin. :-D > > > > On 07/27/2012 09:56 AM, Robin Carlsen wrote: > > > There is a cricket named Emily who just chirped. Did any of you guys hear > > > her? Her chirp seems to be one sound that is not to be heard. One person > > > heard the chirp and pulled out his noise-maker. And then the other > > > noise-makers all came out. I guess I was just hearing things. Pretty soon > > > it will be as if the cricket named Emily never did chirp. > > > > > > --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, Bhairitu <noozguru@> wrote: > > >> On 07/27/2012 01:44 AM, turquoiseb wrote: > > >>> --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, nablusoss1008 <no_reply@> wrote: > > >>>> --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, Bhairitu <noozguru@> wrote: > > >>>>>> Nothing in Holland is far from Vlodrop, including Leiden :-) > > >>>>> Ever been to the states, Nabby? Some of our states are bigger > > >>>>> than some of the European countries (including the larger ones). > > >>>> I know, I've driven through endless cornfields probably bigger > > >>>> than the entire Holland :-) My point was that perhaps the > > >>>> Turq-fellow finally was picking up some silence from Vlodrop. > > >>> Nabby's point was self importance, and trying to suggest > > >>> that Maharishi and the TMO could "take credit" for the > > >>> silence I feel around Leiden. > > >> Do you have crickets chirping in the evening as I have around here? I > > >> even have a freeway about a block away but out here it is "country > > >> quiet" with all the amenities of an suburban city. Such are the > > >> benefits of living in what was once John Muir's orchard. ;-) > > >> > > > > > --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, Emily Reyn <emilymae.reyn@> wrote: > > > > Awww, so nice.  I don't require acknowledgment and I'm practicing > > listening, which my kids say I don't do enough of.  I am a chirper in my > > current state and am not in the least offended; in fact FFL seldom offends > > me personally...and when it does, not for long.  Mostly I laugh, which > > is a good thing.  > > > > I'm not as nimble as most of ya'll, either in verse or intellectual musings > > or spiritual discourse or witticisms (is that a word?).  I enjoy reading > > and trying to assimilate what crosses here.  My brain still doesn't work > > the way it used to and I am beginning to seriously worry as I have fallen > > from the top of my game to not being in the game at all in a pretty short > > timeframe, with no end in sight, and a lot of responsibilities remaining. > >  I have been hiding and in denial about many things.  But, I'm coming > > out of my denial and as I have yet to be diagnosed with a terminal illness, > > it looks like I'm going to *really* have to reinvent my life before all the > > money runs out.  There is no going back.  > > > > > > > > > > ________________________________ > > From: Robin Carlsen <maskedzebra@> > > To: FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com > > Sent: Friday, July 27, 2012 12:12 PM > > Subject: [FairfieldLife] Re: Ramblings around Leiden > > > > > >  > > Dear Bhairitu, > > > > Very good point, Bhairitu. I wanted to insult Emily, but thought no one > > would notice. You caught my real intention hereâ€"and I am found out. > > > > Is there any way I can expiate for my derogatory remark? > > > > Your objection (which nailed me good) reminds me of the idea of poetry: > > "imaginary gardens with real toads in them". > > > > But I, for one, am glad that the Pudget Sound lady graces us once in awhile > > by rubbing her wings together to create a distinct chirp,â€"which, you > > will observe, silences. > > > > Robin > > > > --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, Bhairitu <noozguru@> wrote: > > > > > > So now you're calling Emily a cricket? You're pretty amazing, Robin. :-D > > > > > > On 07/27/2012 09:56 AM, Robin Carlsen wrote: > > > > There is a cricket named Emily who just chirped. Did any of you guys > > > > hear her? Her chirp seems to be one sound that is not to be heard. One > > > > person heard the chirp and pulled out his noise-maker. And then the > > > > other noise-makers all came out. I guess I was just hearing things. > > > > Pretty soon it will be as if the cricket named Emily never did chirp. > > > > > > > > --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, Bhairitu <noozguru@> wrote: > > > >> On 07/27/2012 01:44 AM, turquoiseb wrote: > > > >>> --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, nablusoss1008 <no_reply@> wrote: > > > >>>> --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, Bhairitu <noozguru@> wrote: > > > >>>>>> Nothing in Holland is far from Vlodrop, including Leiden :-) > > > >>>>> Ever been to the states, Nabby? Some of our states are bigger > > > >>>>> than some of the European countries (including the larger ones). > > > >>>> I know, I've driven through endless cornfields probably bigger > > > >>>> than the entire Holland :-) My point was that perhaps the > > > >>>> Turq-fellow finally was picking up some silence from Vlodrop. > > > >>> Nabby's point was self importance, and trying to suggest > > > >>> that Maharishi and the TMO could "take credit" for the > > > >>> silence I feel around Leiden. > > > >> Do you have crickets chirping in the evening as I have around here? I > > > >> even have a freeway about a block away but out here it is "country > > > >> quiet" with all the amenities of an suburban city. Such are the > > > >> benefits of living in what was once John Muir's orchard. ;-) > > > >> > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
