"Typical" males - obsessed with their own organs, the functionality and size of these organs, whether women are faking it or not, and how they can get a virgin. Wait, am I reading too little into this?
________________________________ From: turquoiseb <no_re...@yahoogroups.com> To: FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com Sent: Wednesday, December 12, 2012 8:09 AM Subject: [FairfieldLife] More Christmas Stories --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, "curtisdeltablues" <curtisdeltablues@...> wrote: > > Wow that poster in NYC proved it really IS the Age of > Enlightenment. Thanks for posting that. Thought you'd like it. :-) <snippus interruptus, cutting to the...uh...climax) > Speaking of that [the mythology of Christmas] I was > considering how consensual the whole Holy Ghost hook-up > was back in the day...I mean if a boss comes on to an > employee we cry foul and bust him for coercion. I think > the whole Mary story is ripe for a feminist retelling > as a tragedy. What choice did she really have when the > creepy uncle of the Triune God made a play for her? Did > he during what must have been a fairly clumsy seduction > remind her of what he did to the dinosaurs, or was it > like the greatest Justin Bieber concert display but in > the end he takes her back to the dressing room? Did he > at least let her finish or was it just a typical wham > bam thank you mam? Did she feel obliged to fake it to > sooth his monstrous ego. "Oh baby, that was divine!" > > These are the questions that swirl around my head as I > gaze on my nativity. Did Mary know what he son was > headed for when she signed up her uterus for this > project, or was it presented like a Hollywood script > with a lot of pages at the end with TBD at the top? Did > her youth and inexperience, her cultural deference to men > limit her ability to ask how it all ends before she signed > on? What if she had told him she had a headache that night, > would he have been a gentleman? > > And having been around a few babies in my time, when Mary > changed his diaper did even the Oxen rear up their heads > and lumber out of the manger grunting "damn that holy > guacamole is nasty!" While your version of the Christmas Story is far more entertaining than most, I have to log in as saying that it still sets off my inner Occam's Razor Detector a tad too much. The reason is that it riffs off of, but still relies on, Mary's version of the Immaculate Conception. That is, that there actually *was* a human-ghost get-it-on. While there may be some anecdotal evidence of women who said that they were raped by non-physical beings, there is not a lot of evidence of anyone getting knocked up as the result of such an astral assignation. So Occam's Razor tells me that there must be a simpler -- and thus more likely -- explanation for her pregnancy. My theory revolves around the somewhat curious fact that Mary is continually referred to as a virgin. This despite the fact that she's married to this older guy, Joseph. What's up with that? Are we to assume that Joseph didn't diddle Mary because he was psychically seeing Jesus coming and didn't want to mess with a good myth? Or is it more likely that Joseph, as nice a guy as he may have been, was a little weak in the willy. A bit of erectile dysfunction, if you get what I mean. Voila. The problem of Mary's lingering virginity is solved -- Joe just couldn't get it up. So what's a young married babe (and you've seen the paint- ings of Mary...she *was* a babe) to do? She's stuck in what was probably an arranged marriage with this old fuck, and because he can't get it up she's deprived of even the sensual benefits of marriage. At this point Lem, the dim-witted but handsome and hunky stableboy next door starts looking better and better. So one day, while carpenter Joseph is off cutting wood instead of springing it, Mary sneaks next door and gets it on with Lem. You may assume that this indiscretion repeated itself or that it was a one-afternoon stand, depending on how religious you are, but eventually it resulted in Mary getting good and knocked up. So she's gotta tell Joe. What to do, what to do? Should Mary tell him the truth, and make him feel even shittier about his wilted willy than he already does? So she thinks, "Maybe I'll spare him all that pain and just make up some outlandish story about getting knocked up by God." Voila, Mary's version of the Immaculate Conception. I like this theory because it kinda leaves Joseph a nice, if cuckolded, guy and Mary is easy to develop compassion for because she was trying to spare his feelings. Plus, it suits the Occam's Razor "the simplest explanation is the most likely explanation" criterion. The only problem with this theory is that now we've got to develop a whole mythology around Lem. It was *his* genes that went on to become Jesus and change the world, after all. Isn't it time Lem had his own church?
