[lace-chat] :-) Don't question a drunk
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly". Jeanette Fischer , from South Africa but at present baby-sitting in Dubai, UAE!!! From the sublime to the ridiculous? -- Maxigate business server solutions: http://www.maxisoft.co.za/ To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] :-) Various funnies
I like the second one best! Jeanette Fischer, still sitting in Dubai. A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full- length mink coat. "Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?" Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?" When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mum a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring. Same exchange with Mum...same "Won it at bingo! " Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mum to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up. When Colleen gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mum being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mum! Sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!" "Indade there is, me darlin," replies her Mum. "But we don't want ye getting yer bingo card wet now, do we?" You can never fool Mum! -- Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term " S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term - You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not- see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!" -- Maxigate business server solutions: http://www.maxisoft.co.za/ To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] :-) Look at this clock
Look at this interesting clock http://www.poodwaddle.com/worldclock.swf -- Maxigate business server solutions: http://www.maxisoft.co.za/ To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] ;-) Secret revealed
Least said, soonest mended!!! Throughout the ages, men have been trying to unlock the mystery as to why their wives who accepted them as they were before they got married, subtly and with determination began the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once their vows were exchanged. Finally, the riddle was solved. A social-scientist arrived at a simple and logical conclusion. When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process where the brain absorbs these three stimuli: aisle, altar, hymn, begins. She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions: aisle, altar, hymn. . . aisle, altar, hymn. . . aisle, altar, hymn. . And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is completed. She looks up at him lovingly, smiling sweetly and thinks: 'I'll alter him." Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] :-) Dog on a plane
I think this might also have been around before. Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever between them. The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog. "His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is," he said. "I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work." The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search." Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy." He turned to the other man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police." The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on?" The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!" To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] :-) A woman knows her place
Women can be so clever!! Jeanette Fischer,Western Cape, South Africa *Woman Knows Her Place* Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. W alter's vantage point, despite the over-throw of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines." To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Anti-virus programme
Any advice on which programme is the best? The last time my computer went in for some problem or other, the technician installed AVG free. Now there has been a notice that the free programme will no longer be available later in the year. Which is the most popular programme being used now? Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Anti-virus programme
I did go to that website - they then immediately put the download in the shopping cart at USD 54 !! So it is not free any longer. I do not mind paying for anti-virus - I would just like to know which is the best. Jeanette, Western Cape, South Africa. - Original Message - From: "Jean Nathan" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> To: "lace-chat" Sent: Sunday, May 18, 2008 10:30 AM Subject: Re: [lace-chat] Anti-virus programme Jeanette wrote: went in for some problem or other, the technician installed AVG free. Now there has been a notice that the free programme will no longer be available later in the year.> I think you'll find that a new, but still free, version is being launched. See: http://www.grisoft.com/ww.811.ndi-93836 Jean in Poole, Dorset, UK To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED] -- No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG. Version: 7.5.524 / Virus Database: 269.23.20/1452 - Release Date: 5/17/2008 6:26 PM To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Anti-virus programme
Thank you to everyone who has responded on and off list to my query. There certainly are many helpful people out there!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa where winter suddenly appeared today. To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Re: What are Grits?
Maize meal ( what Americans would call corn) is the staple diet in most of Africa. Some is finely ground and some coarser, some white, some yellow and mostly eaten just plain. It is very popular with a barbecue just cooked in water and salt to what we call a very stiff porridge, and then served with a sauce made from tomatoes, onions, green peppers and whatever. The past few years a dish appeared similar to what Joy Beeson describes as a Tamale pie except that there is no ground beef in but just the savoury filling and then baked in the oven. Africans living abroad really miss the corn meal. My son lives in Dubai and we wanted some corn meal to make to go with a barbecue and then could only find grits in the supermarket but it did the job just fine. We found it amusing that a South African woman visiting Dubai, would buy American grits to make a traditional South African dish! Now there are so many South Africans in Dubai that the real thing is available in the supermarkets! Food, and most other things, are becoming so globalized that it is difficult to find traditional restaurants in any country. Now you can have a pizza everywhere in the world and not just in Italy. Will grits become globalized - probably not!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] :-) The dog
Something to brighten the day - here it is cold and wet! Jeanette Fischer,Western Cape, South Africa. The village idiot goes into a bar to have himself a cold one. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?" The idiot said it was his. "Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said. The idiot replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree." The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred." "No way," said the idiot. "That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'." The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!" The idiot looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog." To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] :-) Tortoise picnic
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away So, it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Roy give me the bottle opener" "I didn't bring it" says Roy "I thought you packed it" Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts, "I KNEW IT'..I'M NOT GOING!" Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
RE: [lace-chat] Messages going to the wrong file
-Original Message- From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] On Behalf Of Elizabeth Ligeti >>>Regards from Liz in Melbourne, Oz , where it is officially the first day of Spring (Sept. 1st) after the coldest winter for 10 years - so they tell us! [EMAIL PROTECTED]>>>> We are also supposed to start spring today but it is the coldest it has been all winter. We live in a winter rainfall area and had very heavy rain over the weekend with snow on the high mountains - a wonderful sight for all of us as we are not used to snow. The snow stays for a week or two while we gawk at the sight. The minimum temperature here has dropped to about 5 degrees Celsius and the daytime temp yesterday was about 12 degrees which to us is just about freezing temp!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 3402 (20080831) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
RE: [lace-chat] pumpkin recipes?
We use left-over cooked pumpkin to make fritters :- 2 cups mashed cooked pumpkin 1 egg 2 teaspoons baking powder Pinch of salt 4 Tablespoons flour or just enough to thicken the mixture Mix the pumpkin and dry ingredients - the mixture must not be too thick Beat the egg and add. Heat a thin layer of oil in a frying pan and drop spoonful of mixture in the oil. Fry on both sides until golden brown. Sprinkle cinnamon and sugar over the fried fritters and serve with lemon wedges. Nice to eat on a cold day!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 3466 (20080923) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] :-) Only an Irishman
Cannot recall seeing this one before! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question..will you go for it?' 'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?' A: Sparrow B: Thrush C: Magpie D: Cuckoo I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin '. Mick called up his mate and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. 'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple..it's a cuckoo.' Are you sure?' 'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.' 'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris 'That it is, Sir.' There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!' The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. 'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest? 'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!' To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
RE: [lace-chat] microwave popcorn
Popcorn is very well known in South Africa. As a child we grew our own popcorn and my mother tried to teach us some farming principles - gathering the crop, deciding how much we are going to eat and how much to keep for seed for the next year!!! We always popped them in a saucepan on the stove in oil but nowadays we also use the microwave oven but only eat them with sugar. When Bev's request came for pumpkin recipes, the first ones came from the Southern Hemisphere and I was about to ask if pumpkin is only a Southern Hemisphere vegetable but then some appeared from the North as well!! To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
RE: [lace-chat] Re: Is this your bank??
> BBC News has broadcast the following conversation from a banker: > > "So, you want to withdraw the money you deposited with us? Yes, well, > I'm afraid we can't give you back your money because we don't have it. Our news and newspapers have had nothing but the financial crisis in America and I have been wondering how this is affecting ordinary people? I just cannot understand economics. We hear about this crisis but our currency is dropping so rapidly against the dollar that we are beginning to think we are the cause of the problem!! We were all expecting the exchange rate to improve that we can order books and things but the opposite is happening. Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 3491 (20081003) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] :-) How the stock market works
Are you currently shaking your head wondering what is going on in the financial markets? Here is a small story (from Africa) that illustrates it nicely. Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out into the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands of monkeys at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. The man then further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The man increased the price to $25 per monkey, and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go back to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and, when the man returns from the city, you can then sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up all their earnings, dipped into their savings, paid the assistant, and bought all the monkeys at $35 each. They never saw the man, nor his assistant, again . only monkeys everywhere! Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works. Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
RE: [lace-chat] Paper cutting
The paper cutting fascinated me also so I Googled paper cutting hoping to find some instructions but found this site http://www.petercallesen.com/index/A4PAPERCUT_000.htm. Was this done the same way, Avital? One site is on Youtube and I thought that would show how but it was a band called Paper cutting Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 3518 (20081013) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] :-) A biker was riding along....
Are we really this difficult?? Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, " Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind." The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?." __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 3664 (20081204) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] :-)What engineers do with an afternoon off
What engineers do with an afternoon off http://www.chilloutzone.de/files/player.swf?b=10 <http://www.chilloutzone.de/files/player.swf?b=10&l=197&u=ILLUMllSOOAvIF//P_ LxP92A42lCHCeeWCejXnHAS/c> &l=197&u=ILLUMllSOOAvIF//P_LxP92A42lCHCeeWCejXnHAS/c I wonder who shuts off the tap and blows out the candle? Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] :-) Word play
Some of these I have seen before but they are still very clever. I like no 17 best! I have just returned home after being in Dubai for Christmas, so belated good wishes for 2009 to all Arachneans. Jeanette Fischer. Western Cape, South Africa. 1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. 6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.' 14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.' 17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 20. A backward poet writes inverse. 21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 23. Don't join dangerous cults; Practice safe sects! __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 3767 (20090115) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] Stamp raffle.
Nelson Mandela celebrated his 90 th birthday last year. The Post Office issued a miniature sheet for foreign postage to commemorate the occasion. I have three miniature sheets to raffle should anybody be interested. I will post anywhere in the world. Entries close next week Sunday 25th of Jan and if there are more than three requests, I will have a lucky draw. Jeanette Fischer Western Cape, South Africa. To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] Stamp raffle
I should have said "Contact me off list if you are interested"!!! Jeanette Fischer To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) AAADD
This has been around before but could never have been more appropriate than now. I have been unpacking but as I go to put things away, I get "distracted" by other things lying around. Nothing seem to get done! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. AAADD KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.PLEASE READ! Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!! Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed the bills aren't paid there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter the flowers don't have enough water, there is still on ly 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I've sent it to. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!! __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 3771 (20090116) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] Re: Nelson Mandela Stamp raffle
For those who might have missed my first announcement: Nelson Mandela celebrated his 90 th birthday last year. The Post Office issued a miniature sheet for foreign postage to commemorate the occasion. I have three miniature sheets to raffle should anybody be interested. I will post anywhere in the world. Entries close next week Sunday 25th of Jan and if there are more than three requests, I will have a lucky draw. Jeanette Fischer Western Cape, South Africa To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] Winners Mandela stamp raffle.
The draw happened this afternoon and here are the winners! : Jane Swanson Sue Duckles Susie Johnson. I have Jane Swanson's s-address and will appreciate it if the other two winners could send me their addresses. Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Snowstorm
Fortunately it does not snow in South African to this extent, so it is one problem less for us! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa Subject: Snowstorm One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Colorado were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow and just then the electricity went off. The wife had a worried look on her face when she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?" __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 3803 (20090127) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Valentine
A few days late but here it is!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine? Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow his ass away." To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Vanilla pudding robbery
I think this has been around before but I still enjoyed the joke, Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. The Vanilla pudding Robbery This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2. Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.' The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read: 'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING' __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 3885 (20090224) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) To all great mums.
No comment!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape,South Africa. TO ALL THE GREAT MUMS I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. 'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground and you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs' I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Mummy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.' I was thinking quickly. 'All mums know this stuff. It's on the Mummy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mummy..' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. 'OH I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy.' 'Exactly,' I replied back with a big smile on my face. When you're finished laughing send this to a Mum __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 3922 (20090309) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Life explained
I have seen this before but enjoyed it again. Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years... How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created humans and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 3926 (20090311) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Mom's in therapy
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children . 'You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy. ' He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny . He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol . This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy. ' At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about . Let's go pick up Willy from school and go get dinner. ' Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 3926 (20090311) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-)Vocabulary word for the day
I suppose we all can empathize with this!!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. Vocabulary word for the day LIQUIDITY Liquidity: When you look at your investments and wet your pants. __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 3965 (20090326) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
RE: [lace-chat] :-)) GOTTA LOVE SURVEYS!
I sent this as an experiment but it did not work. The last sentence is supposed to be in Arabic writing but it was not accepted by lace-caht. Apologies. Jeanette Fischer. -Original Message- From: owner-lace-c...@arachne.com [mailto:owner-lace-c...@arachne.com] On Behalf Of jeanette Sent: Thursday, April 02, 2009 8:41 AM To: lace-chat Subject: [lace-chat] :-)) GOTTA LOVE SURVEYS! I thought that this was very clever and not the usual xenophobic joke! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. A recent survey asked Australians if they believed there was too much immigration into the country. 18% said: YES 82% said: cZeO GaCcd GaZGacm HfG! TdX To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com. __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 3982 (20090402) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 3982 (20090402) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) The hypnotist
The language is a bit of colour but I thought the joke was so funny that I will risk it! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. It was entertainment night at the old age home. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat ' I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations '. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch" The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces*. **"SH**!**T"* said the Hypnotist. * **It took three days to clean up the old age home.* __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 3990 (20090406) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) If you haven't seen this, you'll have a laugh
This is really a funny cartoon. Some people are just so clever. The address is just too long and splits into two. Hope you all have more computer savvy than me and get to see it. Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. http://weblogs.newsday.com/news/opinion/walthandelsman/blog/2009/04/ animation_recession_singalong __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4089 (20090519) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) If you haven't seen this, you'll have a laugh
Lets have a try again and I tried the Tiny URL website and here it follows: http://tinyurl.com/c7plnd Thanks for the advice Jean, I will try to remember for next time!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa Original address: . <http://weblogs.newsday.com/news/opinion/walthandelsman/blog/2009/04/animati on_recession_singalong_1.html> http://weblogs.newsday.com/news/opinion/walthandelsman/blog/2009/04/animatio n_recession_singalong_1.html To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Just a Mum
This has been around before but it made me smile again. Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa being a "senior research associate"! JUST A MUM? A woman, renewing her driver's license , was asked by the woman at Registry to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. 'What I mean is, ' explained the woman at Registry, 'do you have a job or are you just a ...?' 'Of course I have a job,' snapped the woman. 'I'm a Mum.' 'We don't list 'Mum' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it,' Said the recorder emphatically.. I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, 'Official Interrogator' or 'City Registrar.' 'What is your occupation?' she probed. What made me say it? I do not know. The words simply popped out. 'I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations.' The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written, in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire. 'Might I ask,' said the clerk with new interest, 'just what you do in your field?' Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, 'I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't) In the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).. But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money.' There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door. As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than 'just another Mum.' Motherhood! What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door. Does this make grandmothers 'Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations' And great grandmothers 'Executive Senior Research Associates?' I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts ' Associate Research Assistants.' __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4222 (20090707) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Scotch and two drops of water
This one has been around before but I still think there is some sort of truth hidden somewhere!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.' __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4260 (20090720) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Your annual Dementia test
Have seen this before and still did not get all the answers right!!! Jeanette Fischer,Western Cape, South Africa Your Annual Dementia Test It's that time of year to take our senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin 1. What do you put in a toaster? Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2. 2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink? Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why the hell are you still reading these??? If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4 4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany , or no man's land'? Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question. 5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 1 1 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on .. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver? Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you re member your own name? It was YOU!! Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you. PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!! __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4263 (20090721) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
RE: [lace-chat] Fw: When Welshmen get bored
That was most entertaining!! Jeanette Fischer in South Africa. Behalf Of Malvary J Cole Sent: Monday, July 20, 2009 11:32 PM To: Chat Subject: [lace-chat] Fw: When Welshmen get bored Not only is this ingeniousb&it is hilarious When Welshmen get bored with their sheep! Your kids, wife, girlfriend, grandmother, grandfather, or whatever can view this p.s. These guys are not retired electricians either! http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpi d1137883380?bctid=17075685001 __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4263 (20090721) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Six Truths of Life
This had me laughing out loud and I hope it amuses someone else as well! Jeanette Fischer,Western Cape, South Africa. Six Truths of Life 1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue. 2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it. 3. And discover that the first truth is a lie and feel superior because they can do it. 4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot. 5. You soon will forward this to another idiot. 6. There's still a stupid smile on your face. I apologize about this. I'm an idiot and I needed company ... __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4289 (20090729) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) PADDY'S FINGERS
He does have a point doesn't he?? Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. A WEE IRISH SMILE. Paddy's fingers Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital. The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' DA fingers and I'll see what OI can do'. Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got DA fingers.' 'Whadda ya mean you haven't got DA fingers? Good Heavens, it's 2007! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring DA fingers?!?' And Paddy said, ' How DA *...@# was I 'spose to pick them up Checkpoint 313 George Street Aberdeen AB25 1EP Scotland Tel: 01224 640682 Fax: 01224 643592 Visit our website: http://www.checkpoint-aberdeen.co.uk Beyond Hotmail - see what else you can do with Windows Live. Find out more. -- Alan -- T & D. -- T & D. Windows Live Messenger: Celebrate 10 amazing years with free winks and emoticons. Get Them Now With Windows Live, you can organise, edit, and share your photos. __ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4265 (20090721) __ The message was checked by ESET Smart Security. http://www.eset.com I am using the Free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 7047 of my spam emails to date. The Professional version does not have this message. -- With love, Lyn 01672 511205 __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4292 (20090730) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4292 (20090730) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Fortune teller
How true, how true! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa Fortune teller : "You will be poor and work hard until you are fifty." And then? Fortune teller: "You will get used to it!" To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) WOMAN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
The war of the sexes continues!! Jeanette Fischer,Western Cape, South Afica. Subject: Fwd: WOMAN'S ASS SIZE STUDY WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses; the results were pretty interesting: 30% of women think their ass is too fat 10% of women think their ass is too skinny.. The remaining 60% say they dont care, they love him, hes a good man, and they wouldnt trade him for the world __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4306 (20090804) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) The Sunday Paper
I suppose anything is possible!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa Subject: The Sunday Paper This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are! "WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was. "Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY". There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, so that's why no one was at church today.." __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4317 (20090808) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Another blonde joke
For once the blonde wins! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape,South Africa. A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?" "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon." "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?" I LOVE THIS ONE She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!" FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN! __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4326 (20090811) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Fairy Tale
This is vaguely familiar but still amusing. Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. A Fairy Tale Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first ... The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answeredis to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the dayor night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? What would YOU do? What Lancelot chose is below. BUTmake YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY? Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Nowwhat is the moral to this story? Scroll down The moral is. If you don't let a woman have her own way Things are going to get ugly __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4348 (20090819) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Computer Grandma
I wish I could say that I was so clever to have made this poem but I am just passing on some fun! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA The computer swallowed grandma. Yes, honestly its true! She pressed 'control' and 'enter' And disappeared from view. It devoured her completely, The thought just makes me squirm. She must have caught a virus Or been eaten by a worm. I've searched through the recycle bin And files of every kind; I've even used the Internet, But nothing did I find. In desperation, I asked Google My searches to refine. The reply from him was negative, Not a thing was found 'online.' So, if inside your 'Inbox,' My Grandma you should see, Please 'Copy,''Scan' and 'Paste' her And send her back to me. This is a tribute to all the Grandmas who have been fearless and learned to use the Computer They are the greatest!!! We do not stop playing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop playing. NEVER Be The First To Get Old! No virus found in this incoming message Checked by PC Tools AntiVirus (6.0.0.19 - 10.004.074). http://www.pctools.com/free-antivirus/ __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4384 (20090831) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4384 (20090831) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Weight loss program for men
It seems as if men will fall for any yougn thing. Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine." He lost 33 kilos that week. __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4394 (20090904) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] Music video
For lovers of music. This man is wonderful. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9LCwI5iErE Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Good chuckle
I have heard the "she should have ironed it first" variation before but not this one. Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!' 'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 note. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd. 'What happened?' asked her waiting friend. 'I won $1000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement!!!' __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4461 (20090927) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Dry but you can read it.
The title says it all! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. It's Dry, but you can read it... 1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive... 3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here." 5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 8. A man complains, "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' "That's the Tom Jones Syndrome," explains the doc. "Is it common?" asks the man. "It's not unusual," says the doc. 9. Two cows are standing in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy. 10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at, either. 11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do?" "Let's have a look at him." says the vet. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "Just because he's cross-eyed?" asks the man. "No, because he's really heavy," says the vet. 13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 14. I went to the butcher's and wanted to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high " 15. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel. 16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too 17. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 18. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, DAM!" 19. A man was killed last week while eating a bowl of muesli, he was pulled in by a strong current 20. Two buckets of sick walk down the road, the one bucket starts crying. The other asks what's wrong. The first one look over to the side and says, I was brought-up in that alley __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4473 (20091001) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Strange Conversion Units
The last conversion is probably the closest to the truth! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. Strange Conversion Units For all who have difficulty converting units: Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake 1 million- microphones = 1 megaphone 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles 365.25 days = 1 unicycle 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds 52 cards = 1 decacards 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin 10 rations = 1 decoration 100 rations = 1 C-ration 2 monograms = 1 diagram 4 nickels = 2 paradigms 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League AND...100 Senators = Not 1 decision __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4529 (20091021) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Helpful Hints From Scotland
Sounds like potty training to me!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. Helpful Hints From Scotland Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland, UK 1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART. 2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP. 3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! 4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING. 5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER. 6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE. 7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU. 8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS. 9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING. 10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES. WELL DONE... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS AND GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF. __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4557 (20091030) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG - www.avg.com Version: 8.5.409 / Virus Database: 270.14.3/2414 - Release Date: 10/04/09 18:42:00 To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] We're all getting there...:-)
Hope it does not get quite this bad!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. Garage Door The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.. An elderly gentleman Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!' Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants." An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure..' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?' A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!
[lace-chat] :-) That's how the fight started
They say marriages are made in heaven, but so is thunder and lightning!! Jeanette Fischer,Western Cape, South Africa. One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started. I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?' And that's when the fight started My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.' And that's when the fight started I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started.. I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's when the fight started. __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4608 (20091114) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] Recipe
Does anyone have a favourite recipe for Pecan nut pie? Please share with us. I have a glut of pecans and have never tried making a pie. I have made wonderful things from recipes shared on this list before - David's Thai curry and some yummy chocolate pudding suddenly comes to mind! Thanks, Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Swearing
I wonder who the children were trying to imitate!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started Swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, sh *t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f**king Coco Pops" __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4634 (20091124) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) One for the ladies
This lady surely knows what she wants and I can identify with her!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. There are female jokes and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would). Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...on one condition..." Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said ... "Clean my house." __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4637 (20091125) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) The perfect man and woman!
Something to contemplate! Jeanette Fischer,Western Cape, South Africa The perfect man and woman <http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf> CLICK HERE To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Chinese Food Song
Seeing cats are under discussion on lace, I thought I would forward this but I think cat lovers should rather not listen!!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa FOR THOSE WHO LIKE CHINESE FOOD... TURN ON THE SPEAKERS... THEN CLICK BELOW ... SOUND ON <http://jflores.com/jokes/chowmein.htm> Chinese Food Song To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) The Pharmacist's Monday
All of us would have identified with this pharmacist some time or other!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. The Pharmacist's Monday Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone." Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke." "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her." __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4684 (20091213) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] FW: The Value of a Drink !! !
Best wishes for the New Year to everybody. The following will help you to justify your alcohol consumption over the festive days! I love the last one on the list - the one from Cheers. Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. The value of a drink! "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams ... If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. ~~ "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. ~~ "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. ~~ "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. ~~ "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. ~~ "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. ~~ "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. ~~ To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~ Dave Howell WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. ~~ And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not Have a merry and smashing day!! __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4744 (20100105) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
RE: [lace-chat] Historical Wedding gown
What a wonderful story!! Reads like a script for a movie! Very touching and inspiring. Jeanette Fischer, South Africa. -Original Message- From: owner-lace-c...@arachne.com [mailto:owner-lace-c...@arachne.com] On Behalf Of David C COLLYER Sent: Tuesday, January 05, 2010 2:02 PM To: lace-c...@dont.panix.com Subject: [lace-chat] Historical Wedding gown >>>Lilly Friedman doesn't remember the last name of the woman who designed and sewed the wedding gown she wore when she walked down the aisle over 60 years ago. But the grandmother of seven does recall that when she first told her fiancé Ludwig that she had always dreamed of being married in a white gown he realized he had his work cut out for him.>>> __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4744 (20100105) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
FW: [lace-chat] Hot... what?
Hot flushes in South Africa. Only learnt about flashes from a Canadian lady! Jeanette Fischer, South Africa. -Original Message- From: owner-lace-c...@arachne.com [mailto:owner-lace-c...@arachne.com] On Behalf Of Tamara P Duvall Sent: Saturday, January 09, 2010 5:15 AM To: Chat Arachne Subject: [lace-chat] Hot... what? Live and learn :) I just learnt that what we, in the US of A, call "hot flashes", > in Australia, NZ and the UK it has always been Hot Flushes. Not sure > about Sth Africa So... Paging Jeanette Fischer (for South Africa). And Malvary Cole (for Canada). Do you girls flash, or flush? -- Tamara P Duvallhttp://t-n-lace.net/ Lexington, Virginia, USA (Formerly of Warsaw, Poland) __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4755 (20100108) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
RE: [lace-chat] Hot... what?
>>Maybe we ought to call it global warming, Sue T>> power surges??? Jeanette Fischer, South Africa. __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4755 (20100108) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Weddings
Funny how this does happen at weddings. I must pass the tip on to the younger members of the family!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'.. They stopped that s**t after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4765 (20100112) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG - www.avg.com Version: 8.5.432 / Virus Database: 270.14.126/2601 - Release Date: 01/05/10 07:35:00 To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) DOCTOR'S ADVICE
Use the same advice when you have been to Bart Francis' sale of silk threads!!! What you do not admit to cannot harm you!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . . Doctor: "What happened?" Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp" Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle". 2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again. Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me. Doctor:" you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!" __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4772 (20100114) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] Spam
Suddenly I have been receiving a lot of spam/ phising / scam e-mails where I have won a lot of money in the British lottery, the Yahoo lottery and a Windows lottery - without ever buying a ticket or entering any lottery. The Yahoo lottery asks for proof of "valuable identity"!!! Winning all that money would certainly make me valuable. Maybe I should reply and tell them they will sound more authentic if they check the words they use!! It gave me a good laugh tough. Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] Amazing prizes
Suddenly I am being inundated with e-mails informing that I have won millions in lotteries I never even heard of - Windows lottery, Yahoo lottery, the National lottery, the Canadian lottery and some more. All the senders have g-mail addresses and one asked for "valuable proof" of identity!!! I would surely be valuable if I had realy won all that money! If the set-up looked more professional, somebody might take them serious. Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4786 (20100119) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE
Some of these are really clever! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done. __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4846 (20100208) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Skipping church
What a punishment!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. SKIPPING CHURCH Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?" To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Irish password
Thinking out passwords and remembering them is very difficult for some!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape,South Africa. Irish Password Protection During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland , it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password, he replied: ''Bejazus! Are yez freakin' stupid? Shore, Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital'' Don't ever think you can outwit the Irish! __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 4943 (20100314) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Final Exam
I am glad I never had to face a problem like this at University! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa At Michigan State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Michigan State until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy Then they turned the page On the second page was written...For 95 points: Which tire? __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 5030 (20100415) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Inner Peace
It sure is a dog's life!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. Inner Peace: This is so true If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, ...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog! And you thought I was going to get all spiritual. __ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 5125 (20100518) __ The message was checked by ESET Smart Security. http://www.eset.com __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 5142 (20100524) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 5142 (20100524) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] Mesmeric art in motion.
Watching this video on youtube is really fascinating. Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. This video shows the winner of "Ukraines Got Talent", Kseniya Simonova (24) drawing a series of pictures on an illuminated sand table showing how ordinary people were affected by the German invasion during World War II. The images, projected onto a large screen, moved many in the audience to tears and she won the top prize of about £75,000. She begins by creating a scene showing a couple sitting holding hands on a bench under a starry sky, but then warplanes appear and the happy scene is obliterated. It is replaced by a womans face crying, but then a baby arrives and the woman smiles again. Once again war returns and Miss Simonova throws the sand into chaos from which a young womans face appears. She quickly becomes an old widow, her face wrinkled and sad, before the image turns into a monument to an Unknown Soldier. This outdoor scene becomes framed by a window as if the viewer is looking out on the monument from within a house. In the final scene, a mother and child appear inside and a man standing outside, with his hands pressed against the glass, saying goodbye. Click on the link below be patient this is extraordinary! http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=vOhf3OvRXKg __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 5155 (20100530) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
RE: [lace-chat] any football fans out there?
>>>Subject: [lace-chat] any football fans out there? WHO SAID FOOTBALLERS AREN'T INTELLIGENT?>>>> I enjoyed this very much seeing South Africa is hosting the World Cup and soccer has taken over our lives! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 5205 (20100617) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
RE: [lace-chat] any football fans out there?
>> to vuvuzelas , they are banned from rugby fields in South Africa : rugby has a predominantly white audience . Soccer is the favorite sport among black people who couldn' t do without their vuvuzelas. I guess blowing a 130 decibel producing contraption makes your ears less susceptible to the general atmosphere . ;-)>> Make no mistake, the vuvuzelas were out in full force for the Super 14 rugby finals. All the spectators irrespective of colour were blowing vuvuzelas and they are not banned from rugby matches - unfortunately. I almost get the impression that the foreign visitors get greater pleasure from blowing the vuvuzela than South Africans. It boggles the mind that such a noisy, cheap contraption can be the centre of attention. Almost like the hoola-hoop but at least that was noiseless!! In this morning's paper there is an article about a company in Germany who now has the exclusive rights to import the vuvuzela to the EU!! South Africa's contribution to the evil of noise pollution? I live in a small village about 100 Km from Cape Town but close to us is a luxury hotel and golf course aimed at overseas visitors. In the jewelry shop in the hotel the guests are buying vuvuzelas decorated with beads. The African women and particularly the Zulu women do the most incredible bead work. Here is a link to some Zulu beadwork and even a vuvuzela if you scroll down. I hope the link works, it is the first time I have tried the tiny URL! http://tinyurl.com/37pxl9j Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
RE: [lace-chat] my favorite comic strips ... and vuvuzelas
Oh, I really loved the cartoon. There was a programme on TV about the vuvuzela and the vuvuzela was invented in China in 2002 already and the factory is making millions of vuvuzelas to sell for the Olympic Games in England in 2012!! They did not say if the name Vuvuzela is also from China!! And here we were all thinking it was from Africa!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 5223 (20100623) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Sleeping arrangements
This might have just been true! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 a.m. the man leaned over and gently woke the woman, saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold' 'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's just pretend that we're married.' 'Wow, that's a great idea!', he exclaimed. 'Good,' she replied...'Get your own f*cking blanket.' After a stunned moment of silence, he f**ted! To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-)World's Easiest Quiz
Hardly knew any answers! I wonder if the answers are really correct - surely the Canary Islands are in the Atlantic ocean? I did know about the 100 year war, King George's name and the black box! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ! (Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!) 1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Remember, you need only 3 correct answers to pass. Check your answers below. ANSWERS 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years 2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs 7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert 8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course!) What do you mean, you failed?!! Me, too...!!! (And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie! ) Pass this on to some "brilliant" friends, so that they may feel useless too! __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 5293 (20100719) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 5293 (20100719) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
[lace-chat] :-)The best Duck joke ever?
How many opportunities do we miss in life by not looking at our talents? This has been around before but it made me smile. Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working too," Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a paper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck."Where is it?" "At the circus," Says the barman. "The circus?" Repeats the duck. "That's right," Replies the barman. "The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?"says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . . > . > . > . > . "What the f would they want with a plasterer??!" __ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 5399 (20100826) __ The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus. http://www.eset.com To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
RE: [lace-chat] Cactus recipes
It is news to me that one can eat cactus leaves!! The cactus is indigenous to Northern America so it is no wonder that somebody tried eating them sometime or other. We have cacti here that have been classified as a weed and the cochineal insect was imported to destroy the cacti. The fruit of this cactus is particularly tasty and is known locally as the prickly pear because of the fine thorns on the fruit. Picking them is quite an art as well as cleaning them. So people who like the fruit fight the cochineal and farmers who do not like the cacti fight the plants!!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachne.modera...@gmail.com.
RE: [lace-chat] Norwegian Royal Guard
Magnificent!! Most enjoyable video. Thanks for the link. Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachne.modera...@gmail.com.
[lace-chat] A little weirdness.
This year we will experience 4 unusual dates ... 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 . Now go figure this out -- take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be this year and it will equal 111 Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachne.modera...@gmail.com.
[lace-chat] Very smart CSI question ..
It seems to be the season for silly e-mails. Fortunately I got the question wrong!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has been right. A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister. Question: What is her motive for killing her sister? [Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below] Answer: She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you. If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my email list. To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachne.modera...@gmail.com.
[lace-chat] :-) Apple Season
http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g2/applegame.htm Practice your eye-hand co-ordination when you have nothing else to do!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachne.modera...@gmail.com. Photo site: http://community.webshots.com/user/arachne2003
RE: [lace-chat] :-) Apple Season
>>I think I might have got more if I didn't move the basket. :-) My mouse kept moving off the page. Janice >> I should have said that the pickings are better if you concentrate on the basket and not the apples!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachne.modera...@gmail.com. Photo site: http://community.webshots.com/user/arachne2003
[lace-chat] RE: [lace] snuggling on the beach
I also enjoyed the video but wondered about the weight of the seal crawling over her!! Jeanette Fiscer, Western Cape, South Africa. To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachne.modera...@gmail.com. Photo site: http://community.webshots.com/user/arachne2003
[lace-chat] Boogie Woogie
For the young at heart and good long memories, go and watch this boobie Woogie. Thanks to Clay we have a tiny URL http://tinyurl.com/2ahy96h Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachne.modera...@gmail.com. Photo site: http://community.webshots.com/user/arachne2003
[lace-chat] :-) Seniors texting code
I sometimes have great difficulty reading text message on the mobile not to even mention accronyms!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. . SENIORS TEXTING CODE . ATD..At The Doctors. . BFF..Best Friend Fell. . BTW..Bring the Wheelchair. . BYOT..Bring Your Own Teeth. . FWIW..Forgot Where I Was. . GGPBL..Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low. . GHA..Got Heartburn Again. IMHO..Is My Hearing-Aid On. . LMDO..Laughing My Dentures Out. . OMMR..On My Massage Recliner. . OMSG ..Oh My! Sorry, Gas. . ROFLACGURolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up. . TTYL..Talk To You Louder To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachne.modera...@gmail.com. Photo site: http://community.webshots.com/user/arachne2003
[lace-chat] Special poem for older folks.
This has also been a concern of mine!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa SPECIAL POEM FOR OLDER FOLKS A row of bottles on my shelf Caused me to analyze myself. One yellow pill I have to pop Goes to my heart so it won't stop. A little white one that I take Goes to my hands so they won't shake. The blue ones that I use a lot Tell me I'm happy when I'm not. The purple pill goes to my brain And tells me that I have no pain. The capsules tell me not to wheeze Or cough or choke or even sneeze.. The red ones, smallest of them all Go to my blood so I won't fall. The orange ones, very big and bright Prevent my leg cramps in the night. Such an array of brilliant pills Helping to cure all kinds of ills. But what I'd really like to know Is what tells each one where to go! To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachne.modera...@gmail.com. Photo site: http://community.webshots.com/user/arachne2003
[lace-chat] :-) HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES
The sentiments expressed here are probably universal?? Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES 1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room. 2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door. 3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours. 4. Then analyze the situation: a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounting b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing. c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering. d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning. e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations. f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security. g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology. h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources. i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales. j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing. k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government. To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachne.modera...@gmail.com. Photo site: http://community.webshots.com/user/arachne2003
[lace-chat] :-) Colonoscopy Journal (Long)
For those who have been unfortunate enough to have had a colonoscopy. This is sure to put a smile on your face. ABOUT THE WRITER Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. Colonoscopy Journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house. When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said.. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Que
[lace-chat] Flash mob South African style
This is a video from the Nelson Mandela Metropolitan University. It is lovely to see the shoppers enjoying the music and dancing. Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. view the NMMU flash mob <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5iIFqHMOE1gv> video To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachne.modera...@gmail.com. Photo site: http://community.webshots.com/user/arachne2003
[lace-chat] Time waster
Here is a game to test your alertness?? I must say my score was not very good!! I just wish the numbers would keep still then my score will be so much better!! Move your cursor numerically over the numbers starting with 1, then 2, etc. And see how fast you can get through 33. You don't need to click -- Just touch the number with the cursor. This a good one for keeping your brain sharp. http://www.chezmaya.com/jeux/game33.htm Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachne.modera...@gmail.com. Photo site: http://community.webshots.com/user/arachne2003
[lace-chat] Spelling checker
This has been around before but I still think it is very clever. Eye have a spelling chequer, It came with my Pea Sea. It plane lee marks four my revue Miss Steaks I can knot sea. Eye strike the quays and type a whirred And weight four it two say Weather eye am write oar wrong It tells me straight a weigh. Eye ran this poem threw it, Your shore real glad two no. Its vary polished in its weigh. My chequer tolled me sew. Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachne.modera...@gmail.com. Photo site: http://community.webshots.com/user/arachne2003
RE: [lace-chat] Golf Dutch style
At least they all seem to be having fun!! Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa. >>>This is my crazy sister ( the other three are quite normal), her son, daughter and their partners playing golf Dutch style: played in a farm field with a stick which at the bottom has a small wooden clog. I am sure the cows and goats are not family members! http://gallery.me.com/rj.kuppeveld#100097 Agnes Boddington - Elloughton UK >>> To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachne.modera...@gmail.com. Photo site: http://community.webshots.com/user/arachne2003
