Be A Lake
The old Master instructed the unhappy young man to put a handful of salt in a
glass of water and then to drink it. How does it taste? the Master asked.
Awful, spat the apprentice.
The Master chuckled and then asked the young man to take another handful of
salt and put it in the
Diane buys a hundred goldfish. There are so many of them that she decides to
keep them in her bathtub. One day she invites her friend over to see all her
beautiful goldfish.
Lauren is impressed, and remarks, They surely are
beautiful, but what do you do when you want to take a bath?
Diane
This guy goes to a grocery store and asks the clerk behind the counter for two cans of dog food.
Do you have a dog? asked the clerk.
Yes I do! replied the puzzled customer.
I'm sorry sir said the clerk but you're going to have prove to me that you have a dog before I can sell you dog food.
An elderly retired couple was driving down the East Coast, when they stopped in Georgia for a fuel stop. The elderly woman was very hard of hearing, and usually asked her husband to repeat everything.
An elderly station attendant came to the car and started filling the fuel tank. Making idle
Abraham is an old Jewish guy who is a yarn merchant. He lives next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town.
One day the anti-Semite calls up Abraham and says, Hey Jew!!!... I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent two women in front of them often hold them up moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops
in
Mumbai to meet you in Bangalore. Even at this age I am very busy.
Best wishes,
Asfan.
On Mon, 16 May 2005 [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote :
In a message dated 5/15/2005 12:37:59 PM Mountain Standard Time, [EMAIL
PROTECTED] writes:
Yes, but couldn't it be done in the classified sections
Yes, but couldn't it be done in the classified sections?
AND, they do take up space in the inbox.
Pl do consider. Especially as there is a new Classified Section (see under).
thanx,
Asfan.
Yahoo! Groups Sponsor ~--
In low income neighborhoods
A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand.
The driver holds up two hands. Next, the woman points up, the driver points down.
Then, the woman grabs her breast, the driver grabs his crotch. Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.
A curious
Before Gods footstool to confess
A poor soul knelt and bowed his head;
I failed, he cried. The Master said,
Thou didst thy best that is success!
There were two British blondes that were coming over the ocean to America by boat. They had both heard of the all-American food called a hotdog. They decided as soon as they reached the shore that they would run to the first hotdog stand they could find and order themselves one. As soon as
Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odour.
Do you wash? the doctor asked the smelly young girl.
Oh, yes, Mary answered. Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and I wash up as far as possible.
Well, the doctor concluded, Go home
A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, Doc, I'm constipated.
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, Lean over the table.
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the bathroom.
A modest man was in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last tests has left his gastrointestinal system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. But he completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrassed beyond
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, Your mom's the best lay in town!
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes
John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they never had sex.
We'll have to wait until we are married, she told him.
So he waits.
They are engaged three years, and finally the big day rolls around. On their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom, and says I have some bad
Wife comes home early from her high position office work one day, and finds her husband, in bed with a woman. The wife yells, That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back again.
Husband pleads, Please, don't you at least want to hear my side of the story?
Wife shrugs and says, Fine, let's
Mothers
TO ALL THOSE WHO MISS THEIR MOTHERS SO DEARLY
The young mother set her foot on the path of life.
Is this the long way? she asked. And the guide said:
Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before
you reach the end of it. But the end will be better
than the beginning.But
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, 'Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?' She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, 'NO, I WON'T
NEW VIRUSES:
Lewinsky Virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, and then e-mails
everyone about what it did.
Kenneth Starr Virus: Completely examines every aspect of your computer, and
then compiles a complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer.
Ronald Reagan Virus:
There once was a little pink lady. She had a little pink house and a little pink dress and a little pink dog. This lady sold Avon.
One day the lady was walking down a street selling her Avon when she came across a little red house. She pressed the doorbell. In this little red house lived a
WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night. 5% said it was to get a glass of water, 12% said it was to go to the toilet, and 83% said it was to go home.
THE PERFECT BREAKFAST (as a man sees it)
You're sitting at the
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, I have a headache.
Perfect her husband said. I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository,... it's up to you!
The Blondes at the
An angry word is like a boomerang;
Its force returns upon the one who sent it.
And yet unlike it, for it has a fang
Whose poison doubles after one has spent it.
On the evening of the Royal wedding, Camilla was becoming
somewhat uncomfortable in her regal attire. Unfortunately, the shoes she had worn that day were a bit too small and, by the time the festivities were over, her feet were in agony.
When Camilla and Charles withdrew to their bridal
A New Day
This is the beginning of a new day.
I have been given this day to use as I will.
I can waste it, or use it.
I can make it a day long to be remembered for its joy, its beauty and its
achievements, or it can be filled with pettiness.
What I do today is
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven? The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street. Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after
A bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods when they come across a frog trapped under a fallen branch. I am a wishing frog it croaked. Release me and I will grant each of you 3 wishes. The bear removed the branch and shouted Me first! I wish all the bears in the forest, except me, were
A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: How many people here believe in ghosts? About 90 students raise their hands.
Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line,
at which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. This, he said, is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question
FOR THE OLDIES:
A little more tired at close of day;
A little less anxious to have our way;
A little less ready to scold and blame;
A little more care of a brothers name
And so we are nearing the journeys end,
Where time and eternity meet and blend.
And so we are faring adown the way
That
Doc, says Arthur, I want to be castrated.
What on earth for? asks the doctor in amazement.
It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it
done, replies Arthur.
But have you thought it through properly? asks the doctor.
It's a very serious operation and once it's
A man and his wife were driving to an important convention where the man was scheduled to give the opening remarks. They were passing through a part of Oklahoma when the woman tells her husband that she must stop at the next restroom because she felt her stomach rolling over pretty hard.
MARRIAGE:
Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and
the woman gets her master's status.
Then there was a man who said, I never knew what real happiness was until
I got married, and then it was too late.
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow.
A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. Do all the waiters carry spoons in their
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde:We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on!
You've probably heard of deja vu, the illusion of having
previously experienced a situation that is happening now.
Here are some related expressions.
Feel like I've...
...milked this cow before: deja moo
...seen this strange animal before: deja gnu
...smelled this bad odor before:
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike
Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
It's terrible, she said, I haven't moved my bowels in a week.
I see. Have you done anything about it? asked the doctor.
Naturally, she replied, I sit in the bathroom for a half- hour in the morning and
How often, for some trivial wrong,
In anger, we retaliate.
We learn, although it takes us long
That life is far too brief for hate.
MARGARET E. BRUNER
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, Where did
you get such a great bike? The second engineer replied, Well, I was walking
along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this
bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her
How do you propose to solve sexual diseases???
Asfan.
Yahoo! Groups Sponsor ~--
DonorsChoose. A simple way to provide underprivileged children resources
often lacking in public schools. Fund a student project in NYC/NC today!
http
Elizabeth,
I am afraid you've got me wrong. I am interested in how an unqualified person
tackles heath problems like sexual diseases.
It would be different if he stuck to beauty aids only.
Best wishes,
Asfan.
On Sat, 26 Mar 2005 [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote :
Jimmy -
Asfan is only interested
Two girls from a convent school walk into a liquor store and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had.The clerk replied, "Heck no girls, you're students and aren't supposed to drink that stuff!"The girls said, "Well it is not for us you see, it is for Mother Augusta".
How are u qualified to solve problems like weight loses, pimple, sexual disease, falling hair? R u a qualified doctor?
Do let us know.
Asfan.
On Fri, 25 Mar 2005 jimmy khan wrote :
Hi guys .let me introduce my self first, I am jimmy .I m here to solve all of you guys problems about health
Two gay men friends are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.
This fascinates the gay men. One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him,
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, Do you know what I'm doing?
Yes,
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment
for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.
The woman replied, You must understand,
Thanx Geoff,
Glad that you like reading the postings. Plenty more in the offing.
Asfan.
On Mon, 21 Mar 2005 Geoffrey Heaviside wrote :
And Asfan let me also say thanks for the past year of humour that always
comes at the right time for me.
Geoffrey
Group Site:
http
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,
Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?
Mabel answered, I have a suppository in my ear? She pulled it out and stared
at it. Then she
wishes for a very happy and prosperous New Year.
Asfan.
A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a baseball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as herself, and are really impressed.
After the game they ask her, How is it that you know so much about baseball?
She says, Well, I used to be a
If you have a friend worth loving,
Love him. Yes and let him know
That you love him, ere lifes evening
Tinge his brow with sunset glow.
Why should good words neer be said
Of a friend till he is dead?
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A boy jumped into a mud puddle.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
He took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Bubbles is the girl next door.
A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane. The plane was
A man decides to take the opportunity, while his wife is away, to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat and they
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
My god! What happened to you? the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
I got in a tiff with Riley.
Riley? He's just a wee fellow, the barkeep said, surprised. He must have had something in his hand.
Aye,.. That he did, Kelly said. A shovel it was.
Dear
A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him.
His mom is taken by
The madam of the house calls all the girls together in the parlour and says to
them, I have something very important I must tell you all. For the first
time in our history, we have a case of gonorrhoea here in the
house.
Thank God! said the blonde at the back of the hall. I'm so tired of
THE JOKE THAT SPARES NOBODY:
You don't know Jack
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, You don't know
Jack .Now, you can handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep
Loneliness
Loneliness is about talking to the winds and walls
Calling out to the deaf
Watching the wraiths and the unapparent
Accompanying solitude
Sensing the tumult of intellect
Sharing grief with sorrow
Observing joy from afar
Listening to the silence
Spending tears as flowing
A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favourite subject: the evils of marijuana.
Off he went one day into his inventory of horror. Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!
Now wait a
An 80-year-old-couple are having problems remembering things, so they decide to see their doctor to find out if anything is wrong with them. They see the doctor and tell him about the memory problems they've been having. After a check-up, the doctor tells them that they are physically fine
I found the task that I had dreaded so
Was not so difficult when once begun;
It was the dread itself that was the foe,
And dread once conquered means a victory won.
MARGARET E. BRUNER
The World is populated by idiots
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle
February 22, 2005
New Course by Royal Navy: A Campaign to Recruit Gays
By SARAH LYALL
LONDON, Feb. 21 - Five years after Britain lifted its ban on gays in the
military, the Royal Navy has begun actively encouraging them to enlist and
has pledged to make life easier when they do.
The navy
A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from travelling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.
Nonsense, says the wife. Our bed is plenty
*During a heated spat over finances the husband said, Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid.
The wife, fuming, shot back, Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener
*An orgasm is a
A rooster is walking along one day when he comes to a riverbank with a big bag of cat food beside it. Uninterested in the bag, he looks over to the other side and sees a huge bag of chicken feed, which instantly makes his mouth water. Beside the bag of feed is a small cat that is hungrily
For the oldies amongst us (yours truly included):
I have hoped, I have planned, I have striven,
To the will I have added the deed;
The best that was in me Ive given,
I have prayed, but the gods would not heed.
I have dared and reached only disaster,
I have battled and
One morning, this gay man woke up from a wonderful dream, only to hear his
partner in the bathroom making grunting and moaning sounds. The gay man got out
of bed, walked down the hall and opened the bathroom door. The gay man looked
at his partner, masturbating with a condom on.
What the
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle lying in
the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Russian is stunned
and the Genie says, Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you
want.
The Russian begins thinking; Well I really like
from: the nytimes:
H.I.V. Strain Adds Urgency to Changes in City AIDS Program
By MARC SANTORA and LAWRENCE K. ALTMAN
Published: February 16, 2005
Acting with added urgency after a rare and possibly virulent strain of H.I.V.
was detected last week in New York, the city's health department
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a
large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and
some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided
From: the New york Times
February 15, 2005
Gays Debate Radical Steps to Curb Unsafe Sex
By ANDREW JACOBS
After all the thousands of AIDS deaths and all the years of Safe Sex Is Hot Sex prevention messages, it has come down to this: many gay men who know the rules of engagement in the
Everyone in the hotel was talking about the wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was only 23. The groom looked pretty feeble, and some of the guests thought that the wedding night could kill the old man, because his bride was a healthy and vivacious young woman.
But the
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.
You don't have to let your wife bully you, he said. Go home and show her you're the boss.
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled,
The Rewards of a Good Deed
One stormy night many years ago, an elderly man and his wife entered the lobby of a small hotel in Philadelphia. Trying to get out of the rain, the couple approached the front desk hoping to get some shelter for the night.
Could you possibly give us a room here?
ERASERS
Erasers are the nicest things!
Of that there is no doubt..
We write wrong words. A few quick swipes
And big mistakes fade out.
And you will find erasers,
Of a very different kind,
Extremely helpful, if you will try
To bear these facts in mind:
When you bump
A young girl asks her mother, Mommy, why is my name Petal?
Her mother smiles and replies, Darling, when you were born, a petal fell on
your head.
Oh, she replies.
One of her sons then asks her, Mom, why am I called Leaf?
She answers, Honey, when you were born, a little leaf fell on your head.
The Rewards of a Good Deed
One stormy night many years ago, an elderly man and his wife entered the
lobby of a small hotel in Philadelphia. Trying to get out of the rain, the
couple approached the front desk hoping to get some shelter for the night.
Could you possibly give us a room
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
H, he wonders, How am I gonna get more dough? Then he gets an idea.
He calls his father.
Dad, he says, you won't believe the wonders that modern
dear Moderator(s),
I checked the position in yahoo groups and against
[EMAIL PROTECTED] it stated, no emails to be delivered.
Perhaps, this explains why I have not been recieving postings of late.
Could this please be rectified? I would be most grateful.
Thanking you and with best wishes,
Asfan
Hung like a HorseOnce a farmer has a horse, who has a very depressing face, so the farmer puts up an ad in local newspaper. "Anybody who makes my horse laugh, gets $10,000". The next day a man comes up to the farm and says" I can do it, just let me be alone with the horse for 5 minutes". The
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section.
You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made byQ-tip. Be very sure that you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed
Test your powers of concentration
This is really stupid! Who thinks we can't concentrate?
Make sure there is no noIse so that you can really pay attention to details. Very critical !
I almost blew it on my first try, but I got better the more I tried it.
Good luck!
Click
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer, who said his dog could do math with calculations. His dog was named T-Square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said
I wonder if any of us got a similar hate mail:
Asfan.
Note: Forwarded message attached
-- Orignal Message --
From: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
To: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Subject: (no subject)
Dear so and so,
I hate you. I hate you all. U send me crap letters all the time, and it is very very
A king travels through the desert, when he suddenly discovers a man captured under a big rock, he throws a rope around the rock and ties it to his horse and pulls the rock off the man. The man, grateful as he is, tells the king that he's really a great sorcerer, and gives the king three
The woman arrived
At an airport one night
With several long hours
Before her flight.
She hunted for a book
In the airport shop,
Bought a bag of cookies
And found a place to drop.
She was engrossed in her book
But happened to see,
That the man sitting beside her,
As bold as could be,
Grabbed a
One day three guys were driving to Pune and their car
broke down. They started to walk to the nearest gas
station when they saw a farmer. They asked if they
could stay in his house just for the night. The farmer
said, go get a fruit from my garden and come back.
When the first man returned with
The Most Beautiful Heart
One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that
he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley.
A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect.
There was not a mark or a flaw in
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
What are you doing? she asked.
I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work, the daughter-in-law
Blonde jokes:
The preacher rose with a red face. Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Klu Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one, which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did
Doc, said the young man lying down on the couch, You've got to help me! Every
night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden
five drop dead gorgeous women rush in and start tearing off my clothes.
The psychiatrist nodded, And what do you do?
I push them away!
I
Had your fill of spermicons?
Well, how about some assicons?
Here goes:
(_!_) A regular ass
(__!__) A fat ass
(__)(__) A wide load ass( a top's delight, I suppose-Asfan)
(!) A tight ass
(_*_) A sore ass
{_!_} A swishy ass
(_o_) An ass that's been around
(_x_) Kiss my ass
(_X_) Leave my
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