In a message dated 3/14/1999 11:24:41 AM Eastern Standard Time,
[EMAIL PROTECTED] writes:
<< I am trying to change, so any suggestions will help. >>
It may not be that you are not loving and accepting of all women, but instead
your feelings seem to be focused on what you see as "possession" of a woman by
a man as symbolized by the ring. You dislike the idea that these women, you
feel, are allowing themselves to be possessed. (Branded as belonging to a
certain ranch?)
If the ring is the symbol, is it that you see the marriage as the possession?
You may not see all aspects of marriage as possession, but that ring
symbolizes some aspect of a marriage, some sense of possession you are intent
upon avoiding - and when you see a ring on other women, perhaps it makes you
think of/feel that anger about possession and instead you target it on the
idea that these women are submissive in a way you despise. As you said,
bothers you about yourself.
Visualizing the ring as having a different meaning for those women, than it
does for you, may help you react to them differently.
If the ring is to symbolize a chosen committment, out of love, by these women
then that is not really negative. Certainly, it is problematic if only the
woman wears a wedding ring - but why wouldn't a man wear a wedding ring also -
representing a mutual committment, not ownership of property.
In many cultures, both married females and males have an "elevated" status
over those unmarried because of the continuation and contribution they
represent to the community. You know, kind of like "pillars of the community".
These cultures have a wide variety of ways to represent that change in status.
Attending a friend's wedding in Japan last October, I learned about the
difference between short sleeved kimonos and long sleeved commons - at least I
think I have it clear, I believe that married women wear short sleeved kimonos
and non married women wear longer sleeve kimonos. I followed the women around,
so I don't know what the particular change of symbol is for the men.
The western ceremony has its own symbolism, but many people don't consider
them as they engage in the ceremony. The father walking the daughter down the
aisle handing her to the husband to be. The veil, symbolizing that when she
pulls it up to face the attendees, she is a different woman than she was when
she placed it over her face.
I believe that marriage is not just the union of two people, but also of
families, communities and that it does represent a very important cultural,
community continuation. Nothing about marriage is inherently oppressive to me
(for me) - the oppression is only in the type of person you chose to marry and
their behavior towards you. If you do not chose an oppressive mate then there
is no oppression.
All of the women in my family are surely their own individuals in marriage,
there was never any question of that fact - and never any toleration of
anything less for themselves or others in the family. At the same your
responsibility to your family, your community was stressed - just as it was
for the men. As a result, I had no sense that marriage in any way symbolized
oppression inherently - therefore neither did any of the symbols of marriage.
So nan, what gave you the sense of oppression as inherent in any marriage
symbols? What was it that you saw in other marriages that shaped your view for
what you wanted to resist in your own marriage? To dislike when you see it as
an adult?
If you don't wear a ring, and your husband is fine with that - why would
others wearing a ring - potentially by choice - why would that make you feel
as you do? If you are not directly oppressed in your marriage, then may it be
it is a fear of potential oppression and a fear that you will not somehow slip
into it so easily that you must avoid anything that even the symbol no matter
how small (ring) of that oppression - stamping out any manifestation before it
grows, like fungus.
You said that you believe that a man's possession of a woman is an element in
rings. I don't even have a negative reaction to the idea of being possessed -
because it will always be something I choose, and if I choose to end it, then
I can - just as he can. It would have no affect on my sense of individualism.
I was raised to be highly communal, any not to sense any threat to my
individualism by also being communal - interlinked. That "one for all and all
for one" is a highly preeminent belief for me.
I can be possessed by my husband, just as I possess him and we both can be
individuals. Our unity, when we are positive individuals, makes us
collectively stronger, not one weaker or under the other's control. You marry
someone with whom you are compatible, especially on the issues where you are
the most "set", so this lessens a severe and resistant power struggle and the
issue of one dominating the other. Also both must feel that domination is not
the goal nor is to be dominated their role.
What would make the ring represent negative possession to me, is if my husband
was a negatively possessive man towards me in our marriage. Then anything that
symbolized, represented our marriage would give me that same feelings - from
the bed we slept in, to our wedding pictures, to everything article of
clothing and other things of his - especially if they were on top of something
of mine, in my way. I would find symbolism of his negative possession of me
whenever he referred to him and I as "we".
Perhaps with your feelings towards wedding rings on a woman, you are
underestimating your own personal strength to not be oppressed, certainly not
by a small symbol? Underestimating your ability to make that symbol represent
your non-possession - your choice - and the terms of your own marriage.
Perhaps for you a wedding ring symbolizes all the positives - not the
negatives?
Nicole
