Big Hairy News <http://www.bighairynews.com/> ------------------------------
Harry Reid Out Of A Job <http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/typepad/uIXt/~3/j8OiMXWo03E/harry-reid-out-of-a-job.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email> Posted: 05 Nov 2014 09:14 AM PST WASHINGTON (WNB) - After six years marked by often-incoherent rhetoric, hubris, and embarrassing gaffes, Harry Reid (RTRD-NV) is losing his position as Senate Majority Leader. Incoming replacement, Mitch McConnell, congratulated Reid for his 'substantial part' in motivating voters to not vote for Democrats. "Every time my esteemed colleague opened his mouth, the Republican Party probably gained a hundred votes. Only the President, Rep. Pelosi, and Atty. General Holder did more for our party's victory," said McConnell. "I wish Harry well, and look forward to buying a Big Mac from him soon." [image: Harry Reid - do you want fries with that] <http://peacemoonbeam.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83451af9f69e201bb07a64067970d-popup> Election Day! <http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/typepad/uIXt/~3/GyS9Pcx8VH4/election-day.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email> Posted: 05 Nov 2014 09:12 AM PST WORLD NEWS BUREAU ELECTION SPECIAL - by Scooter Van Neuter *Watch for updates here throughout the day* *California Senate race - Ben Allen vs. Sandra Fluke -* Infamous mattress queen Fluke has reportedly been working overtime servicing every voter in her district over the age 18. Sources say the bold tactic may backfire, as many prospective voters claim the experience was 'not pleasant,' while others declined altogether citing the near-certainty of catching an infectious STD. "It ain't worth it," said one independent voter. It seems the more people Fluke connects with, the more Allen's catchphrase *"I won't f*ck you"* appears to resonate with prospective voters. *Eric Holder Sends Poll Watchers To Monitor Voting - *Atty. General Eric Holder has dispatched poll monitors to 18 states. Sources at the locations report the monitors are 'skeevy, skinny black dudes wielding batons and wearing cheap sunglasses and pretend-military outfits. "They're walking mugshots - white turnout is down sharply," said one onlooker. *Texas Governor's Race - Wendy Davis vs. Greg Abbott* - Sources say the desperate Davis is resorting to pro-abortion theatrics in a last second attempt to reignite support. Reports of Davis personally ripping fetuses from minority low-information voters at a clandestine abortion mill doesn't appear to be producing the same excitement as her earlier stunts. *Louisiana Senate Race - Bill Cassidy vs. Mary Landrieu* - Reports of Landrieu 'twerking' and smoking crack in several black neighborhoods appears to be working - sort of. While Landrieu's attempt to bond with black voters is reportedly generating a lot media interest, resident feedback has been unimpressive. "I don't care what she do, she still jus' a flabby rich, bitch-ass cracker," said one black voter. *Harry Reid On Suicide Watch* - Sources say Sen. Harry Reid Harry Reid is being closely monitored after reports the Senate Majority Leader has been suffering from a worsening bout of depression. Rumors that Reid received a gift of a loaded pistol Tuesday morning from Mitch McConnell have not been verified, but if true could bolster concern for the historically unstable politician's well-being. *Voting Machines Malfunctioning *- There continues to be reports across the country of voting machines, primarily in Democratic districts, either registering Republican votes for Democrats, not listing Republican candidates at all, or physically preventing voters from voting for Republican candidates. "Every time I attempted to check the box for Abbott, a little boxing glove came out of the machine and punched me in the nuts," said Houston voter Harvey Farris. The fact there have been zero reports of machines malfunctioning in favor of any Democrat is 'merely a coincidence' according to administration Election Commission officials. *Police Unconcerned As Thousands Of People Reported Missing* - Authorities in predominately-Democratic areas are again receiving thousands of missing person reports - an election day occurrence that started exactly six years ago. Cleveland Police Chief Darryl Brown blamed the dissappearences on 'certain' individuals either getting getting 'too drunk or high to get home,' or simply 'not being good with directions.' [image: Harry Reid TILT] <http://peacemoonbeam.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83451af9f69e201bb07a5a6ae970d-popup> You are subscribed to email updates from Big Hairy News <http://www.bighairynews.com/> To stop receiving these emails, you may unsubscribe now <https://feedburner.google.com/fb/a/mailunsubscribe?k=ViXCl-gDjgRlV4COOli3f0zx_cw> . 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