Re: MI Friday humor - Success
The title to this should be "The Ladder of Success." It reminds me of that old nostrum "Be kind to the people you meet on the way up. You'll see them again on the way down." Tim Rood >From: "Field, Stephen M. (FIQ) " <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> >To: "'[EMAIL PROTECTED]'" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> >Subject: MI Friday humor - Success >Date: Fri, 11 Aug 2000 14:41:25 -0400 > >Success is. > >At age 4 . . . success is . . . not peeing in your pants. > >At age 12 . . . success is . . . having friends. > >At age 16 . . . success is . . . having a drivers license. > >At age 20 . . . success is . . . having sex. > >At age 35 . . . success is . . . having money. > >At age 50 . . . success is . . . having money. > >At age 60 . . . success is . . . having sex. > >At age 70 . . . success is . . . having a drivers license. > >At age 75 . . . success is . . . having friends. > >At age 80 . . . success is . . . not peeing in your pants. >-- >To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put >"unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED] > Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at http://www.hotmail.com -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: MI Friday humor - Success
The title to this could be "The Ladder of Success." It reminds me of that old nostrum "Be kind to the people you meet on the way up. You'll see them again on the way down." Tim Rood >From: "Field, Stephen M. (FIQ) " <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> >To: "'[EMAIL PROTECTED]'" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> >Subject: MI Friday humor - Success >Date: Fri, 11 Aug 2000 14:41:25 -0400 > >Success is. > >At age 4 . . . success is . . . not peeing in your pants. > >At age 12 . . . success is . . . having friends. > >At age 16 . . . success is . . . having a drivers license. > >At age 20 . . . success is . . . having sex. > >At age 35 . . . success is . . . having money. > >At age 50 . . . success is . . . having money. > >At age 60 . . . success is . . . having sex. > >At age 70 . . . success is . . . having a drivers license. > >At age 75 . . . success is . . . having friends. > >At age 80 . . . success is . . . not peeing in your pants. >-- >To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put >"unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED] > Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at http://www.hotmail.com -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday humor - Success
Success is. At age 4 . . . success is . . . not peeing in your pants. At age 12 . . . success is . . . having friends. At age 16 . . . success is . . . having a drivers license. At age 20 . . . success is . . . having sex. At age 35 . . . success is . . . having money. At age 50 . . . success is . . . having money. At age 60 . . . success is . . . having sex. At age 70 . . . success is . . . having a drivers license. At age 75 . . . success is . . . having friends. At age 80 . . . success is . . . not peeing in your pants. -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday humor
Lawyer: So, Mr. Slocum, about your fraud charges Selling elixir of immortality, I understand... Have you any convictions for similar offences in the past? Client: Well yes... in 1650, 1731, 1812 and 1924. -- Sonya Nikolsky Production Manager JCH GeoInfo 3600 University Dr Durham NC 27707 (919)493-9339 Phone -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday humor: honor system virus (fwd)
New Computer Virus "Honor System" - This virus works on the honor system: Please delete a bunch of your files at random, then forward this message to everyone you know. Thank you for your cooperation. -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor: Married Go Round?
Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's wrong?" The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and every one of my husbands has passed away." The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?" The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician." And the other said, "Oh, I see, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go... May 12th in History . . . * 1777 - 1st ice cream advertisement (Philip Lenzi-NY Gazette) * 1951 - 1st H Bomb test, on Enewetak Atoll -- John H. Hoffmann Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] "A coupla months in the laboratory can save a coupla hours in the library." - Westheimer's Discovery -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor: Your Boss and You . . .
Differences Between You and Your Boss . . . When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough. When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative. When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original. When you please your boss, you're apple polishing. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business. When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked April 28th in History . . . * 1789 - Fletcher Christian leads Mutiny on HMS Bounty & Capt William Bligh * 1914 - W H Carrier patents air conditioner -- John H. Hoffmann Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] "In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." -- Theodore Roosevelt -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor: Two-Fer-One . . .
How Important Though Art . . . Mr. Allen, the high-powered executive trying to impress a client in his office, flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his assistant, "Miss Hunter, get my broker!" The client was impressed until he heard the secretary's clear voice saying, "Yes, sir, stock or pawn!" -- SLACKERS RULES or Maybe 'Monday's Rules' . . . I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable, regardless of the amount of time given. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized. April 14th in History . . . * 1614 - Pocahontas, daughter of chief Powhatan, marries planter John Rolfe * 1828 - 1st edition of Noah Webster's dictionary published * 1859 - Charles Dickens' "A Tale Of Two Cities" published * 1865 - Pres Abraham Lincoln shot in Ford's Theater by John Wilkes Booth * 1894 - 1st public showing of Edison's kinetoscope (moving pictures) * 1939 - John Steinbeck novel "The Grapes of Wrath" published -- John H. Hoffmann Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] "Taxation WITH representation ain't so hot either." -- Gerald Barzan -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor Census
This appeared on another mapping list. Really, no need to send in those forms. http://www.theonion.com/onion3612/us_population.html John HaynesDirectorGeodata Consultants, Inc.1-800-838-6661www.geodataconsult.com
MI Friday Humor: Two-Fer-One . . .
Grandma's Here . . . The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked. The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again." Getting the flu . . . A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude, because it taught him how much his wife loved him. She was so thrilled to have him around, that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!" April 7 in History . . . * 1888 - Start of Sherlock Holmes adventure "Yellow Face" * 1891 - Nebraska introduces 8 hour work day * 1966 - US recovers lost H-bomb from Mediterranean floor (whoops!) -- John H. Hoffmann Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] "True leadership is the art of changing a group from what it is to what it ought to be." -- Virginia Allan -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor: Driving Along and Latest Darwin's . . .
Driving Along = A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?" "Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family." Darwin Award Candidates === "The stupidity of the human race never fails to surprise me." --Charles Darwin (22 February 2000, New York) A man clearing timber from his lot in Chestnuthill Township failed to notice that the tree he was working on had others leaning against it. When the weight of its neighbors pushed the tree over in the expected direction, the erstwhile lumberjack ran for his life, but slipped in the icy snow and fell directly in the path of the looming trunk, which landed on him with the expected result. (1 January 2000, Nevada) 26-year-old Tod made a place for himself in history by being the first person to die celebrating the millennium. Minutes before midnight, the Stanford graduate climbed to the top of a street light in front of the Paris Las Vegas Hotel and waved to the enthusiastic revelers below. At midnight he slipped and, in an effort to break his fall, grabbed the wires that were supplying the electricity to the street light. Suddenly he was conducting more than a cheering crowd. A camera caught his foolhardy climb and subsequent headfirst plunge to the concrete below. It has not yet been determined whether he died from electrocution or from the 30-foot fall, but either way, he deserves the first Darwin Award of the new millennium! Footnote: Tod was a Stanford graduate working at a Silicon Valley startup scheduled to go public in the summer. He stood to make a substantial profit with his options, until they were voided by his untimely death. Clearly, a sterling academic pedigree is no indication of common sense. Before leaving to Vegas, one friend said, "People are going to be doing crazy things. Be careful." Tod replied, "You know I won't." Friends pondering his death said, "He thought he was invincible." "He used to climb the Golden Gate Bridge." "He would never do something stupid." (11 March 2000, Perth, Australia) It just stands to reason, one should follow safe practices while filming a safety video. But Peter, the 52-year-old owner of a machinery and equipment training school, violated that rule of common sense while filming a forklift safety demonstration. With the cameras rolling, he was thrown from the cabin of his forklift and crushed. Subsequent investigation revealed the culprits responsible for the fatality: driver error and high speed over varied terrain, coupled with an unused seat belt. His final safety demonstration was the most convincing of his career. March 24 in History . . . * 1898 - 1st automobile sold * 1958 - Elvis Presley joins the army (serial number 53310761) -- John H. Hoffmann Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] "Be careful what you pretend to be, because in the end, you are what you pretend to be." -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor: Irish Toasts . . .
Some Irish Toasts . . . "Here's that we may always have a clean shirt a clean conscience and a guinea in our pocket." - Irish Toast "May you be poor in misfortune, Rich in blessings, Slow to make enemies, Quick to make friends, But rich or poor, quick or slow, may you know nothing but happiness from this day forward." - Irish Toast "May you be dead a half hour before the devil knows you are dead." - Irish Toast "Here's a health to your enemies enemies." - Irish Toast "May the road rise to meet you may the wind be always at your back the sun shine warm upon your face the rain fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again may God hold you in the hollow of his hand." - Irish Toast "St. Patrick was a gentleman who through strategy and stealth drove all the snakes from Ireland here's a toasting to his health. But not too many toastings lest you loose yourself and then forget the good St. Patrick and see all those snakes again." - Irish Toast (found on the internet) March 17 in History . . . * 0432 - St Patrick, a bishop, is carried off to Ireland as a slave * 1753 - 1st official St. Patrick's Day * 1845 - Rubber band patented by Stephen Perry of London -- John H. Hoffmann Home#: 847-998-0164 Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] AOL IM: Anyhoff Work: 847-998-6198 FAX: 847-998-6390 Pager: 888-494-0029 Cell: 847-710-3044 220 Parkview Rd Glenview, IL 60025-4934 "A burden which is done well becomes light." -- Ovid (P. Ovidius Naso) -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor: Are You A Professional?
Are you smart enough to be a professional? The following 4 question quiz will tell if you are qualified to be a professional. According to statistics of Andersen Worldwide, about 90% of the professionals who take this exam have failed. Read the question, give your answer, and then scroll down for the answer to that question. The questions are not that difficult. No cheating please! Okay ... Question #1 How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? Answer to 1 Open the refrigerator door, put in the giraffe and close the door. Simple enough? This question tests whether you are doing simple tasks in a complicated way. Question 2 How do you put an elephant into the refrigerator? Answer to 2 If you said: Open the refrigerator door, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator door... YOU ARE WRONG! The correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator door. This question tests your prudence. Question 3 The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend? Answer to 3 The correct answer: The Elephant. Why? The Elephant is in the refrigerator. The question tests whether you have comprehensive thinking. Okay. If you did not answer correctly the last 3 questions, this one may be your last chance to prove your qualifications to be a professional. Question 4 There is a river, which is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage to cross the river? Think... Think. THINK! Answer to 4 Simply swim through it to the other side. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting! On March 10 in History . . . * 1791 - John Stone, Concord, Mass, patents a pile driver * 1896 - After Bob Fitzsimmons KOs much larger Jim Corbett to win world Heavy Weight championship he says, "The bigger they are, the harder they fall" -- John H. Hoffmann Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] "There is one thing stronger than all the armies in the world: and that is an idea whose time has come." -- Victor Hugo -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor/Why Engineers Don't Write Cookbooks
Why Engineers Don't Write Cookbooks --- Chocolate Chip Cookies 1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten 2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3 3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite 4.) 236 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride 5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11 6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11 7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde 8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein ovoids 9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao 10.) 236 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10) To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank &Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat- transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium. Submitted by: Ritholtz @ aol.com -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor: From The Women . . .
The Note Pad With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies. I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator. As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN." When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message: "MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT OUT OF IT." SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS ~~~ 1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious. 2. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap. 3. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 4. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 5. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 6. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. 7. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out. 8. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. 9. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines. This date in History . . . 1913 - The sixteenth amendment to the U.S. constitution was ratified, providing for an income tax 1964 - Cassius Clay (Muhammad Ali) became world heavyweight boxing champion for the first time after he knocked out Sonny Liston in Miami -- John H. Hoffmann Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] "Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties." -- Unknown -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday humor: physics
Sir Ernest Rutherford, President of the Royal Academy, and recipient of the Nobel Prize in Physics, related the following story: Some time ago I received a call from a colleague. He was about to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question, while the student claimed a perfect score. The instructor and the student agreed to an impartial arbiter, and I was selected. I read the examination question: "Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer." The student had answered: "Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to the street, and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope is the height of the building." The student really had a strong case for full credit since he had really answered the question completely and correctly! On the other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a high grade in his physics course and to certify competence in physics, but the answer did not confirm this. I suggested that the student have another try. I gave the student six minutes to answer the question with the warning that the answer should show some knowledge of physics. At the end of five minutes, he hadn't written anything. I asked if he wished to give up, but he said he had many answers to this problem; he was just thinking of the best one. I excused myself for interrupting him and asked him to please go on. In the next minute, he dashed off his answer which read: "Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch. Then, using the formula x=0.5*a*t^2, calculate the height of the building." At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He conceded, and gave the student almost full credit. While leaving my colleague's office, I recalled that the student had said that he had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were. "Well," said the student, "there are many ways of getting the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer. For example, you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of simple proportion, determine the height of the building." "Fine," I said, "and others?" "Yes," said the student, "there is a very basic measurement method you will like. In this method, you take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks, and this will give you The height of the building in barometer units." "A very direct method." "Of course. If you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine the value of g [gravity] at the street level and at the top of the building. From the difference between the two values of g, the height of the building, in principle, can be> calculated." "On this same tact, you could take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to just above the street, and then swing it as a pendulum. You could then calculate the height of the building by the period of the precession". "Finally," he concluded, "there are many other ways of solving the problem." "Probably the best," he said, "is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent's door. When the superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: 'Mr. Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of the building, I will give you this barometer." At this point, I asked the student if he really did not know the conventional answer to this question. He admitted that he did, but said that he was fed up with high school and college instructors trying to teach him how to think. The student was Neils Bohr. http://www-groups.dcs.st-and.ac.uk/~history/Mathematicians/Bohr_Niels.html -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor: The Garden and Top Ten . . .
The Garden . . . Two ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up some carrots for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead." TOP TEN THINGS THAT MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. -- John H. Hoffmann Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] "It takes a lot of things to prove you are smart, but usually only one thing to prove you are ignorant to the other person." -- Don Herald -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor: Look At Me . . .
Look at Me . . . "Look at ME!!" boasted the fit old man, pounding a very flat and firm stomach, having just finished 100 sit-ups before a group of young people. "Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why?? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after loose women!!" He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes aglitter, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!!!" "Oh, really?" drawled one of the younger onlookers, "How?" On February 4th in History . . . * 1789 - 1st electoral college chooses Washington & Adams as Pres & VP * 1998 - Bill Gates gets a pie in his face in Brussels Belgium -- John H. Hoffmann Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] "When the mouse laughs at the cat, there is a hole nearby." -- Nigerian Proverb -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI: Friday humor: Sometimes the truth is more amusing than fiction . . .
> Sometimes the truth is more amusing than fiction . . . > > >A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have >her baby in the cab!" The ER physician grabs his stuff, >rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and begins to >take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are >several cabs, and he's in the wrong one. >* > >A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope >on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior >chest wall. "Big breaths," instructed the nurse. "Yes, they >used to be," remorsed the patient. >* > >One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife >that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not >more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the >rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." >* > >I was performing a complete physical, including the visual >acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart >and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the >20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. >"Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even >read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that >he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there >with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish >the exam. >* > >A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when >the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. >This is only a one-seater!" >* > >During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his >cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having >trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the >doctor. > >"The patch". The nurse told me to put on a new one every six >hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor >had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he >wouldn't see...Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his >body! > >Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before >applying a new one >* > >While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, >"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete >confusion she answered, "Why not for about twenty years-when >my husband was alive." >* > >And of course, the best is saved for last . . . > >* > >A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's >your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the >Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the >patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the >woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." > -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor: Tragedy in the Cornbelt . .
Tragedy in the Cornbelt . . . Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America, the Cornbelt. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force where the catastrophe had occurred. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor. "Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly. "Do you realize that is the President of the United States' airplane?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped. "Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning, too." "The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief. "Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what liars them politicians are. Today in history, January 21 . . . 1793, during the French Revolution, King Louis XVI was sent to the guillotine for treason. 976, the supersonic Concorde jet was put into service by Britain and France. -- John H. Hoffmann Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] "Success is peace of mind which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you did your best to become the best you are capable of becoming." -- John R. Wooden -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor: Coping With Job Stress . . .
Coping With Job Stress . . . Last week I went to a seminar called Stress and Disease by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology. He gave an example of a coping skill for job stress which I would like to share with you. When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this. On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested. Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company." Today in History, January 14 . . . * 1783 - U.S. Revolutionary War ends; Congress ratifies Treaty of Paris * 1981 - FCC frees stations to air as many commercials an hour as they wish -- John H. Hoffmann Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] "A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her." -- David Brinkley -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor: Taking a Ride . . .
Dead Horse Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following: 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Say things like, "This is the way we have always ridden this horse." 4. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. 6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses. (ISO 9000?) 7. Appointing a "Tiger Team" to revive the dead horse. 8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability. 9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment. 10.Hire Consultants to do a study which recommends changing the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead." 11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse. 12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed. 13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat." 14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance. 15. Do a Cost Analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper. 16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster. 17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead. 18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses. 19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses. 20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable. 21. Put the horse on a Performance Improvement Program 22. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position. On January 7 in history . . . * 1584 - Last day of the Julian calendar in Bohemia & Holy Roman empire * 1608 - Fire destroys Jamestown, Virginia -- John H. Hoffmann Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] "Good resolutions are like babies crying in church. They should be carried out immediately." -- Charles M. Sheldon -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor
Subject: The Pillsbury Doughboy-dead at 71 Date: Wed, 15 Dec 1999 16:41:16 EST Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Cap'n Crunch and many others. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as aman who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. Some say he loafed too much. Others said he had a rye sense of humor that went against the grain. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. In most situations, he would always rise to the occassion. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
MI Friday Humor: Getting Gifts for . . .
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women.
Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he
already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to
complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills.
No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word
ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words "Hey George,
can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with
my 3/8 inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent
ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear
view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4:
Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to
wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn
out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big screen TV with
the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips,
and flips, and flips.
Rule #6:
Do not buy any man industrial sized canisters of after shave or
deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #7:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a
couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks.
Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea.
No one knows why. (ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!)
Rule #8:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box.
It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
No one knows why.
Rule #9:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber,
Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire.
(NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's
stores.) It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is.
("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this
a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.")
Rule #10:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue.
(No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100 pound propane
tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge!
Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #11:
Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not
appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts."
Everyone knows why.
Rule #12:
Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If
you don't know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he
gets a label maker.
Rule #13:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension
ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension
ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #14:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at
least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8"
manila rope. No one knows why.
On December 17 in history ..
* 1790 - Aztec calendar stone discovered in Mexico City
* 1903 - At 10:35 AM, 1st sustained motorized aircraft flight (Orville
Wright)
--
John H. Hoffmann
Personal
E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
"My interest is in the future because I am
going to spend the rest of my life there."
-- C.F. Kettering
--
To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put
"unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor: Things Not To Say . . .
Things Not To Say When Pulled Over By The Police 12. When the officer says "Gee son... your eyes look red, been drinking?" you probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?" 11. "I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are." 10. "Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does." 9 "Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!" 8. "I pay your salary!" 7. "You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?" 6. "I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer." 5. "Are you Andy or Barney?" 4. "Hey, you must've been doin' about 90 mph to keep up with me. Good job!" 3. "Aren't you the guy from the village people?" 2. "Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in." and the number one thing not to say to a cop is- 1. "I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer." December 10 in history ... SPECIAL NOTICE: On December 10, 1896 Alfred Nobel (inventor of dynamite) died at the age of 63. The Nobel Peace Prize is therefore awarded on December 10. * 1799 - Metric system established in France -- John H. Hoffmann Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] "We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction." --General Douglas MacArthur -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor: Darwin Awards, Part III . . .
Part III: 1999 Darwin Awards DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP: #1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital. #2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired. #3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk." #4 - MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.) #5 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia. #6 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below: 1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms...a gun shop. 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places. 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door. 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt. AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS. THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning, 1998, by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded. December 3 in history .. * 1621 - Galileo invents telescope -- John H. Hoffmann Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] "The only place where success comes
Re: MI Friday Humor Jocks vs Nerds
And then there's the "nerd" Bill Gates... > John Haynes wrote: > > Putting the World in Perspective > > Finally...the answer to the eternal question "Is it better to > be a jock or a nerd?": > > Michael Jordan makes over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 ... -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor Jocks vs Nerds
Putting the World in PerspectiveFinally...the answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jockor a nerd?":Michael Jordan makes over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 aminute, atan average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements,he makes $178,100 a day, working or not.If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visionsof sugarplums dance in his head.If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550while he's there.If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take hima whole 12 hours.If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they wouldhave to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will bereimbursed $33,390 for that round.Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into atax-deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at8:30 a.m. on January 1st.If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be livingcomfortably at $65,000 a year. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in theOlympics. He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in histrendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. pastpresidents for all of their terms combined.Amazing isn't it?However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years,he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.Game over. Nerd wins ___ That's why I'm happily nerding away on this Friday after Glutday. John D. HaynesGeodata Consultants1-800-838-6661www.geodataconsult.com
MI Friday Humor...Cats
The reason, while I enjoy cats, we remain dog people. Subject: How to give a cat a pillHow to give a cat a pill:1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as ifholding a baby.Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouthand gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rearpaws tightly with left hand.Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger.Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.Call spouse from garden.6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat.Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden rulerinto mouth.Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to oneside for gluing later.8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head justvisible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans,drink glass of water to take taste away.Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and removeblood from carpet with cold water and soap.10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat incupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.Force mouth open with dessert spoon.Flick pill down throat with elastic band.11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab.Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologizeto neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.Take last pill from foil-wrap.13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bindtightly to leg of dining table,find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.Hold Head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly whiledoctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from righteye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see ifthey have any hamsters.How to give a dog a pill:1) Wrap it in bacon.___ John D. HaynesGeodata Consultants1-800-838-6661www.geodataconsult.com
MI Friday Humor: Darwin Awards, Part II . . .
Part II: 1999 Darwin awards . . . GRAVITY KILLS... A 22-year-old Reston, VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County (Virginia) police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY... Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming forth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several-hundred-thousand-gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles and miles. They were launched, no doubt, countless thousands of feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats. DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT... A lawyer and two of his buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas. A lightning storm hit the lake and most of the fisherman immediately headed for the shore. But not our friend the lawyer. He was alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat and his buddies were in the front. This gentleman stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted, "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered [well, wouldn't you?]. The other two passengers on the boat survived. CATCH!... A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal, you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a Darwin Award candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing "catch" with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Award candidate) was hospitalized. THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU... Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone, more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time. GIMME A LIGHT!... Several years ago, in a west Texas town, employees in a medium sized warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition - lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers. -- John H. Hoffmann Personal "If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise." -- Robert Fritz -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor: Corporate Buzzwords for Year 2000 . . .
Corporate Buzzwords for 2000 . . . Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively. Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, deposits dollops of excrement over everything and then leaves. Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands. Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles. Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running. Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite. Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets. Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists." Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages. Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here. A**mosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa." Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon. GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again. Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment. Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key. On October 22 in history . . . * 1897 - World's 1st car dealer opens in London * 1928 - Pres Hoover speaks of "American system of rugged individualism" -- John H. Hoffmann Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] "Timing has a lot to do with the success of a Rainmaker." -- Anonymous -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor
Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports: * His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. * I would not breed from this officer. * He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. * He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. * This young lady has delusions of competency. * This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port,and my officers to carry him from bar to bar. * Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig. * She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. * He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age. * Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. * This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. -- Sonya Nikolsky Production Manager JCH GeoInfo 3600 University Dr Durham NC 27707 (919)493-9339 Phone -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor
Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports: * His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. * I would not breed from this officer. * He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. * He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. * This young lady has delusions of competency. * This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port,and my officers to carry him from bar to bar. * Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig. * She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. * He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age. * Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. * This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor
A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar ina small town. He's going through his usual run of dumb-blonde jokes,when a big blonde woman, in the fourth row, stands on her chair andsays, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating 'blonde jokes',smartass. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as ahuman being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from beingrespected at work and in my community and from reaching my fullpotential as a person -- because you and your kind continue toperpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women at large-- and all in the name of humor." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde cuts himoff, "You stay out of this, Mister. I'm talking to that littlesonofabitch on your knee!" I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come closest to utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. John D. HaynesGeodata Consultants1-800-838-6661www.geodataconsult.com
MI Friday Humor: Observing and First Day of School . . .
The Observation . . . An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven." --- First Day of School . . . On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?" --- On October 15 in history . . . * 1520 - King Henry VIII of England orders bowling lanes at Whitehall * 1860 - 11-year-old Grace Bedell writes to Lincoln, tells him to grow a beard -- John H. Hoffmann Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] "Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place!" -- Unknown -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: MI: Friday humor (Ups and Downs)
> "a list of all managing directors, broken down by sex." > (Presently broken down by a cold) Ups, Downs, Ons, Outs, and Ins. I wonder how many break _downs_ are preceded by break _ups_. (Or by someone putting the brakes _on_ a relationship.) But then others may break _out_ the champaign. In my case, I once had a break-up, and a break-in the same week. Well, I did need a break, just now. Thanks for the joke. _ Marjorie Roswell, Spatial Analyst UMBC Center for Health Program Development and Management 1000 Hilltop Circle Fx: (410)455-6850 Baltimore, MD 21250 E: [EMAIL PROTECTED] Ph: (410)455-6802http://umbc.edu/~roswell/mipage.html _ -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI: Friday humor
Hi All! OK, I know but this story made my day yesterday, I need to share it: (it is probably true) A well-known Swedish industrialist wanted to find out about the equality between the sexes within the corporation. This is a global company, so a request went out to managers all around the world. The recipients were asked to provide: "a list of all managing directors, broken down by sex." The Finnish office promptly replied: "We have no managers broken down by sex. We do however have one alcoholic." Regards, Mats.E (Presently broken down by a cold) -- === Mats Elfstrom, GIS-engineer[EMAIL PROTECTED] SYCON Energikonsult AB ICQ# 9517386 205 09 MALMO tel +46 (0)40 256016 cell +46 (0)70 5953935 === -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor: Famous Last Words . . .
Famous Last Words . . . Don't turn it on yet, it's not quite ready. Quick, they'll never find us if we hide here. Don't worry, it's not used any more. The next time you ask when we're going to arrive, i'm going to turn round and give you such a belt! Step back a bit, I can't get you in the picture. So they finally fixed this elevator yesterday? Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry, I know what i'm doing. Yes of course the elastic is strong enough. It's ok so long as you stay down-wind. Nah, that fuel gauge often gets stuck on empty. Hey, don't worry, it isn't loaded. I thought it tasted rather strange. Please fasten your seat belts, we're about to enter some turbu... Darling, did you remember to turn off the gas? Gee, what a cute little dog. You have driven this before, haven't you? And that one over there, the red flashing one, what does that mean? Well I think you should tell him just how you feel. I've never had one of these fail to open before. Look how was I supposed to know it was upside down? Are you sure they don't mind you taking their honey? Say, what's that faint ticking noise? It's ok, I saw them do it on TV. Ha! They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist... Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- -- On October 8 in history ... * 1492 - Columbus' fleet about 400 sea miles from Puerto Rico * 1871 - Great Fire kills 200, destroys over 4 miles of Chicago buildings, and original Emancipation Proclamation * 1956 - Don Larsen, NY, pitches only perfect World Series game, vs Brooklyn -- John H. Hoffmann Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] "Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing." --Abraham Lincoln -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor (really!)
Sorry Guys, I was exchanging Friday Humor with Steve and forgot to push the right button. Subject: Darwin Awards? 1 LOS ANGELES, CA, USA: Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees nest from ashed on their property with the aid of a "pineapple." A pineapple is anillegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one halfstick of dynamite.They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home,behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussionfrom the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking toward their car, Ani was stung threetimes by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergicto bee venom, and he died of suffocation enroute to the hospital. 2 MINNEAPOLIS, MN, USA: Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in with third degreemurder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According topolice, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol(instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired. 3 PHILLIPSBURG, NJ, USA: An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastiehe had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "Ididn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger"said, adding, "He was really drunk." 4 WINDSOR, ONTARIO, CANADA: In February, according to police, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor,33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chickenthey were playing with their snowmobiles. 5 MOSCOW, RUSSIA: A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they wereguarding to stab hisbulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knifeattack. It didn't, and the 25year old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russiansgetting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.) 6 In FRANCE: Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commitsuicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose aroundhis neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself atthe last moment.He jumped and fired the pistol.The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plungedinto the sea.The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison.He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to ahospital, where he died of hypothermia. 7 RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA: A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probablyhis first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous recordof violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed: 1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantialportion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places.3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked police patrol carparked at the front door.4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, havingcoffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would be robber announced a holdup andfired afew wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire,removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt. AND THE 1998 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS. 8 THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA: Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killedearly Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed horn.Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year,according toNorthern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shutoff switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front ofthe microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he couldstay warm during his twelve hour shift at the station, where winter temperaturesoften dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same waythat they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Bakerreportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, whichhe positioneddirectly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not beentold about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipatedincrease in holiday long distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, whowas greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he tho
MI Friday Humor
John D. HaynesGeodata Consultants1-800-838-6661www.geodataconsult.com
MI Friday Humor: Great Truths . . .
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED . . . 1. Raising teenagers is like nailing JELL-O to a tree. 2. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. 3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. 4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires. 5. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due. 6. Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts. 7. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside. 8. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. 9. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts. 10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there. On October 1 in history . . . * 1908 - Henry Ford introduces Model T car (costs $825) * 1968 - "Night of the Living Dead" premieres in Pittsburgh -- John H. Hoffmann Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] "Diamonds are nothing more than chunks of coal that stuck to their jobs." -- Malcolm Forbes -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor
Another Oldie, but goodie: Taken from real resumes and cover letters and printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine 1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. 2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms. 3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. 4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave. 5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. 6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. 7. Its best for employers that I not work with people. 8. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience. 9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time. 10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details. 11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move. 12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments. 13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. 14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail. 15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. 16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I posses no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. 17. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments. 18. Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far. 19. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwestern chain store. 20. Note: Please dont miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job. 21. Marital status: often. Children: various. 22. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions. 23. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. 24. References: None. Ive left a path of destruction behind me. __ -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor: Three-For-One . . .
September 24 in history: * 1979 - CompuServe began operation as 1st computer information service #1: Kids Will Be Kids . . . A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry," the mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts." A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling and her brother says, "She knows now." #2: The Good Old Days . . . WHEN MY three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied." I remember." #3: Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust . . . Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle. When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend. However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with ashes and broken vase scattering all around. After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.." "It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal-Mart." The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..." "Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy rear end and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!" -- John H. Hoffmann Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] "Take my advice . . . I'm not using it" -- Ed -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor
Some old ones, but some I hadn't seen before Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologicallychallenged, you "ain't seen nuthin'" yet. This is an excerpt from a WallStreet Journal article:1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "PressReturn Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse washard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plasticbag the mouse was packaged in.3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defectivediskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along withphotocopies of the floppies.4. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppyback in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold onand was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room toclose the door to his room.5. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer tofax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the techniciandiscovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it infront of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.6. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard nolonger worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and waterand soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washingthem individually.7. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enragedbecause his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The techexplained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responsesshouldn't be taken personally.8. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. Hetold the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer."The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-butthat his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.9. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get hernew Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in,the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens."The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.10. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-newcomputer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in andsat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked whathappened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"11. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang forsupport. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in thesecond disk, and had some problems with the disk When it said to put in thethird disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that"Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.12. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions forinstalling software. The instructions said to remove the disk from itscover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing ofthe disk and wondered why there were problems.13. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about apromotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because hecouldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the loaddrawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.14. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with herprinter. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The womanresponded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. Theman sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer isworking fine."15. TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keysat the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Nowtype the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'". TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob." CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?" TECH SUPPORT: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!" John D. HaynesGeodata Consultants1-800-838-6661www.geodataconsult.com
MI Friday Humor
Hello everyone. I'm relatively new to the list, so I hope I'm not recycling a joke you've all seen. This one was one of my favorites, purported to be an actual letter from the Smithsonian Institute... but you know how urban legends are... Paleoanthropology Division Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078 Dear Sir: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled 211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull. We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the Malibu Barbie. It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin: 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone. 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately nine cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids. 3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that: (a) The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on, and (b) clams dont have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon datings notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundations Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus Spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didnt really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nations capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expound on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench. Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities Everyone have a good weekend... Jeff James Vice President Sage Software, Inc. 3423 Piedmont Road NE Suite 550 Atlanta, GA 30305 www.sagesoft.com Phone: 404.262.7478 Ext. 12 Fax: 404.832.3366 -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: MI Friday humor
just for the record. http://www.snopes.com/spoons/faxlore/lighthse.htm Andy wrote: > sorry to dissapoint everyone but this is one of #the# top urban myths > and is unfortunately bogus. do a search for urban myths - there a several > good sites out there > the best myth is the continuing story of the pop star with the stomach pump, > and well, i won't go into it but safe to say the > identity of the popstar changes through the years. Use to be Elton John and > then Marc Almond for a long time, but now it is Alainis Morisette. > > Sorry, i know its a posting on Friday humour, I just hope i haven't turned > myself into another Chad Scheidecker. What a great start to the week that > would be. > > - Original Message - > From: <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> > To: <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> > Sent: Friday, September 17, 1999 4:26 PM > Subject: MI Friday humor > > > Got this for a time ago, so if you haven't seen it...well, here it is: > > > > THE WORLD'S MOST POWERFUL NATION > > > > This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval > > ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in > > October 1995. > > > > > > Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid > > a collision. > > > > Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North > > to avoid a collision. > > > > Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees > > to the South to avoid a collision. > > > > Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, > > divert YOUR course. > > > > Canadians: No. I say again, you must divert YOUR course. > > > > Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. > > THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. > > WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS > > AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE > > YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S FIFTEEN > > DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO > > ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. > > > > Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. > > -- > > To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put > > "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED] > > > > > > -- > To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put > "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED] -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: MI Friday humor
sorry to dissapoint everyone but this is one of #the# top urban myths and is unfortunately bogus. do a search for urban myths - there a several good sites out there the best myth is the continuing story of the pop star with the stomach pump, and well, i won't go into it but safe to say the identity of the popstar changes through the years. Use to be Elton John and then Marc Almond for a long time, but now it is Alainis Morisette. Sorry, i know its a posting on Friday humour, I just hope i haven't turned myself into another Chad Scheidecker. What a great start to the week that would be. - Original Message - From: <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> To: <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> Sent: Friday, September 17, 1999 4:26 PM Subject: MI Friday humor > Got this for a time ago, so if you haven't seen it...well, here it is: > > THE WORLD'S MOST POWERFUL NATION > > This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval > ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in > October 1995. > > > Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid > a collision. > > Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North > to avoid a collision. > > Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees > to the South to avoid a collision. > > Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, > divert YOUR course. > > Canadians: No. I say again, you must divert YOUR course. > > Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. > THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. > WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS > AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE > YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S FIFTEEN > DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO > ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. > > Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. > -- > To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put > "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED] > > -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor: A Lesson in Communications Relativity . . .
A Lesson in Communications Relativity . . . Bob had finally made it to the last round of the Regis Philbin's new show, "The Million Dollar Question." The night before the big question, he answered Regis that he desired a question on American History. The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. Regis stepped to his seat. "Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $1,000,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?" Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week. Hadn't even needed help from the audience or his friends. "Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?" Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject but he played it safe. "I'll try the easier part first." Regis nodded approvingly but still needed to ask, "Are you sure?" Bob said "Yes." "That's your final choice, to ask the second part of the question first?" asked Regis. "Yes" answered Bob. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half of the question second." The audience silenced with gross anticipation.. "Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??" This date, September 17, in history .. * 1787 - US constitution adopted by Philadelphia convention * 1796 - Pres George Washington delivers his farewell address * 1835 - Charles Darwin lands on Chatham Galapagos-archipelago * 1859 - Man in SF claims himself Norton I, emperor of America -- John H. Hoffmann Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] "Action and faith enslave thought, both of them in order not to be troubled or inconvenienced by reflection, criticism and doubt." -- Henri Frederic Amiel -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday humor
Got this for a time ago, so if you haven't seen it...well, here it is: THE WORLD'S MOST POWERFUL NATION This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you must divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S FIFTEEN DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor: Putting A Name To It . . .
Corporate Buzzwords for 2000 and Beyond . . . Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively. Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves. Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands. Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles. Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running. Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite. Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets. Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists." Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. Going Postal: Definition already well known. Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here. Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa." Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon. GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again. Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials, Monica-Bill were prime examples. Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment. Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. Today In History: * 1913 - Lincoln Highway opens as 1st paved coast-to-coast highway -- John H. Hoffmann Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] "According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist." -- Ed -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday humor
Little People Church Humor One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." __ A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you... __ Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved. "Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it" _ A four-year-old Catholic boy was playing with a 4-year-old Protestant girl in a plastic wading pool in the back yard. They splashed a lot of water on each other; their clothes were soaking wet, so they decide to take off the wet clothes. The little boy looked at the little girl and said, "Golly, I didn't know there was that much difference between Catholics and Protestants." _ It was that time during the Sunday morning service for "the children's sermon," and all the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes,and my Mom says it's a Bitch to iron." Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned." Thanks, Sarah Myers Preventive Care Operations Blue Cross of California [EMAIL PROTECTED] -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor: Maybe You've Had This Type of Child . . .
Today In History: Sept. 3: 1752 - This day never happened nor next 10 as England adopts Gregorian Calendar. People riot thinking the government stole 11 days of their lives --- Maybe You've Had This Type of Child In Your House . . . A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there." "No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll quiet down when he gets to the poisons." -- John H. Hoffmann Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] "How do I set my laser pointer to stun?" -- Ed -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor: Duck Laws . . .
The Laws of Ducks Duck Law No. 1 If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, looks like a duck and cooks like a duck, it's a duck. Restatement: All things are known by their attributes. Duck Law No. 2 Even under ideal circumstances, no duck, no matter how noble or well intentioned, can be an eagle. Restatement: All things must be what they are. Duck Law No. 3 A duck can pretend to be an eagle except in times of adversity. Restatement: Pretense and adversity are inversely proportional; adversity reveals the true nature of all things. Duck Law No 4 No duck may be an eagle until it abandons its webbed feet and bill for talons and a beak. Restatement: All things remain as they are until the attributes that define them are abandoned. Then, and only then, can they evolve. Duck Law No. 5 Ducks are noble creatures. They shall not be penalized in the eyes of other creatures because they are not eagles. Restatement: All things are honorable if they are what they are honestly, even if they are different from you. Duck Law No. 6 The greatest duck that ever was cannot fly as high as even a modest eagle. Restatement: If one would soar with eagles, do not swim with ducks. Duck Law No. 7 Ducks flock. Eagles fly alone. Ducks and eagles never mingle. Restatement: Choose company wisely. Duck Law No. 8 A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why. Restatement: Sometimes there is no answer. -- John H. Hoffmann Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] "I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you looked at it the right way did not become still more complicated." -- Poul Anderson -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor: Who to Marry?
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? --- "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10 "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? - "Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10 "No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? -- "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, 6 "You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? -- "Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? -- "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8. "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? "I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE? --- "When they're rich." Pam, age 7 "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7 "The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? -- "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, 9 "Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper- changing." Kirsten, age 10 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? -- "There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8 "You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7 HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? --- "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10 -- John H. Hoffmann Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] "The breakfast of champions is not cereal, it's the opposition." -- Nick Seitz -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor: Still Cool?
You know you've lost your status of "Cool" when: - You find yourself listening to talk radio. - You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears. - The pattern on your shorts and couch match. - Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy. - You think "Tragically Hip" is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend. - You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath. - You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining them. - You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day. - When jogging is something you do to your memory. - Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair. - All the cars behind you turn on their headlights. - You remember the Rolling Stones as a rock group, not a corporation. - You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your new big screen TV. - You actually ASK for your father's advice. On November 19 in history ... * 1863 - Lincoln delivers his address in Gettysburg; "Four score & seven years..." * 1896 - Start of Sherlock Holmes "Adventure of Sussex Vampire" -- John H. Hoffmann Home#: 847-998-0164 Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] Work: 847-998-6198 FAX: 847-998-6390 Pager: 888-494-0029 Cell: 847-710-3044 220 Parkview Rd Glenview, IL 60025-4934 "Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare." -- Japanese Proverb -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Humor Two-fer-one: The Escape and The Divorce . . .
THE ESCAPE ARTIST ~ A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten foot fence. Again the kangaroo was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. The fence was then extended to twenty feet high. But the kangaroo was out again the next morning. Frustrated, the the zoo officials built a fence forty feet high. A camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How much higher do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet. Unless somebody locks the gate at night!" The Reason For Divorce --- The other day at work I ran into Bob. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombshell on me. "Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce". I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together" "Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market." "Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." I probed. "Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me." On November 5 in history ... * 1492 - Christopher Columbus learns of maize (corn) from Indians of Cuba * 1781 - John Hanson elected 1st "Pres of US in Congress assembled" -- John H. Hoffmann Personal E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] "Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much." -- G.K. Chesterton -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
