Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had
Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the
pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe Bill had a cold or some such But after Bill hadn't shown up for a
week or so, Sam got
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman
wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't
place where he knows her from. So he says, Do you Know me? To
which she replies, I think your the father of
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they
stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that
said, This bull mated 50 times last year.
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, He
mated 50 times
The husband leans over and asks his wife, Do you remember the first time we
had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern
where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to
you.
Yes, she says, I remember it well.
Okay, he says, How about taking a
No sex tonight? I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and
women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and
Mars thing.I have never figured out why men think with their head and
women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were
Subject: Duh!!
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing, and
concludes by saying:
Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident
Oh No, the President exclaims. That's terrible.
His staff sit there, stunned at this display of emotion, nervously
watching as the
I think we might have seen these before - but it laughter is good for the
soul.
Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals,
kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several residents were unappreciative of her activities... but feared her
enough to
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed
he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar
that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, I am a Father.
The little boy replied, My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.
The priest looked up
Teacher: Good morning children, today is Thursday,so we're going to have a
general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday
and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.
Wee Jocky thinks, Yadancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general
knowledge stuff.
Subject: These are quite funny
Subject: Top Ten He Said She Said
10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing
to put in it. She said...You wear pants, don't you?
9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
8)
Dear Friends,
I'm biting the bullet here - don't mean to offend anyone, but it did make
me laugh
David in Ballarat
The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed,
middle-aged, French woman's poodle
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for
him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of
coffee in
front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the
wall. She watches as
A college class was told to write a short story in as few words as
possible. The instructions were that the story must contain the following
three areas:
(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery.
There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.
Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it.
David
Subject: Fw: Pasta diet and carbs
ITALIAN PASTA DIET
IT REALLY WORKS !!
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da ice cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
Also
CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with Guess on it. So I said,
Implants? She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. At my age I get the same effect
Subject: [Bulk] Truly...one of the funniest emails I've ever received
Ok...this one is a keeper. Enjoy your day!
deb
Subject: Re: Science and Logic at its best
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one
Little Grace was not the best student in parochial school. Usually
she slept through her classes. One day the Nun called on her while
she was napping and said, Tell me,Grace; who created the universe?
When Grace didn't stir, little Johnny, seated in the chair behind
her,took a pencil
and
Get back time !! :)
David in Ballarat
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly
her husband burst into the kitchen. Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some
more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn
them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their
wedding night, she told her new husband, Please be gentle, I'm still a
virgin. What? said the puzzled groom. How can that be if you've been
married ten times?
Well, Husband #1 was a sales
If you're under 50, this may be amusing. If you're over 50, this is
probably reality. :)
I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape so I asked my
doctor's permission if I could go to a fitness club to start exercising.
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her
tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a
gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red
tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, What do you do to get your tomatoes
red?
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the
passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, exits, etc. Finally,
she said, Now sit back and enjoy your trip while Captain Judith Campbell
and crew take you safely to your destination.
Joe sitting in the eighth
Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...
If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the
restaurant!
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your
family blames the tobacco company!
If your neighbour crashes into a tree while
Ever stop to think about UP?
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other
two-letter word, and that is UP.
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the
list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a
At 07:06 AM 6/21/2004, you wrote:
When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile,
things dry UP.
I learned When it rains, it wets DOWN the earth. Maybe the rain goes
the other way on the other side of the world. G
Alice in Oregon -- where I'm ready to go to an
Let the story begin
I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so
much. And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never
figured out why men think with their head and women think with
their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire
David, that is wonderful I intend sending it to my brother, who has
step-children living interstate...you might just've saved him a lot of
money!
Ruth Budge (Sydney, Australia)
--- David Collyer [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote: An elderly man in Adelaide
calls his son in Sydney and says, I
In a message dated 14/04/2004 16:23:48 GMT Daylight Time, [EMAIL PROTECTED]
writes:
David! I am that wife. At a talk yesterday a lady looked at a picture of
Iain
and I, in a wedding frame lace edging, when we married 38 years ago. She
said
dear didn't you used to be pretty. I'm
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front
of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. You know, dear,
she says, I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all
wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a
David! I am that wife. At a talk yesterday a lady looked at a picture of Iain
and I, in a wedding frame lace edging, when we married 38 years ago. She said
dear didn't you used to be pretty. I'm gutted!!!
KEEP LACING, VIVIENNE, BIGGINS
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Wow! Some jokes (maybe real stories??) that I don't remember seeing on
chat already !
Sue Babbs
[EMAIL PROTECTED]
A man comes into the ER and yells, My wife's going
to have her baby in the cab! I grabbed my stuff,
rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and
began to take off
I lookd at the monologue site, and the words of Gerard Hoffnung's The
Bricklayer's Story, which was mentioned a few weeks ago, are there in full:
http://www.monologues.co.uk/Bricklayers_Story.htm
Jean in Poole
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unsubscribe
While looking for the full text of Is He An Aussie, I found the
following site:
http://www.monologues.co.uk
Which has the words of almost every (English) monologue on it!
And a few ring-ins besides, like Bob Newhart's Introduction of
Tobacco to Civilisation
Noelene in Cooma
[EMAIL PROTECTED]
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. You
know
what?, says the 7 year old, I think it's about time we started
swearing.
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
When we go
downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you swear after me, OK?
The 4 year old
The Eulogy
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married
again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried
and
this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The
Lord
for this very
--Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by
the telephone.
Hillen, its the hilth munister here. Sorry to bother you et thus hour
but there es un emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex
fectory
en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet
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