Re: [lace-chat] Re: [lace] Re: Raffle
At 11:57 PM 1/11/2008, Clay Blackwell wrote: Knowing with a fair degree of certainty that I would not be one of the lucky winners, I bought myself my *own* socks this week, when I spotted them on sale, half-price! They're black with silver and purple spiderwebs! The threads for the webs has some metallic stuff in them, and are also "fuzzy", so they're quite outrageous! But they sure were fun to wear, and kept my feet nice and warm too! And here's me busy knitting my own! LOL Will have to design a spider motif - I can feel it in my water. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] pumpkin recipes?
Dear Friends, You could consider Pumpkin Soup. You would have to roast the pumpkin first, then make the soup. Search Pumpkin Soup Recipe to get several versions. I found one but my computer won't let me copy the address and print it in this email. Here is the best Pumpkin Soup recipe sent to us by Julie in 1997:- One of my family's favorite fall dishes is Pumpkin Soup in a Pumpkin. The hard part can be finding appropriate pumpkins after Halloween. Cut a lid from and hollow out a pumpkin (8 to 10 pounds is a good size.) Inside the pumpkin, layer toasted bread (any kind of bread seems to work as long as it's good bread) with grated gruyere or other swiss cheese and sauteed chopped onion. I usually fill the pumpkin about 3/4 full. Sprinkle on a little nutmeg. Pour in scalded milk or cream, or half chicken broth and half milk or cream, to within an inch or so of the lid. Top with a bay leaf, and bake in the oven until the pumpkin is tender. It's safest to put it in a deep pan, just in case it springs a leak. Serve by scooping the pumpkin flesh with the filling and broth. I have also found that the tiny pumpkins often sold as decorations are outstandingly delicious! I steam them, cut lids, scoop out the seeds, and bake them with a ricotta custard or apple/raisin/sausage filling. Their flesh is creamier and more flavorful than pie pumpkin. Love, Julie via David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Pumpkin Scones
Dear Bev and other Friends, I bought a beautiful big pie pumpkin from the market. I'd like to make something besides pumpkin pie, or plain cooked pumpkin (which we like as a veg.) - anyone got a different recipe to share? sweet or savoury ... please send to the chat list ;) Here's my Mum's Pumkin Scones. She was Jean Emily COLLYER (Nee McGARVIE) [1918 - 1993] of Pomborneit, Victoria, Australia Ingredients - 2.5 cups of Self Raising Flour - about 250gm butter or margarine - 1 cup of cooked mashed pumpkin - big pinch of salt - milk to form a dough Method:- - sift flour and salt into bowl (I usually don't bother) - break butter or margarine into teaspoons sized chunks and using your fingers rub it into the flour until all gone. - mix in mashed pumpkin - use milk to make the dough the right consistency for rolling out - don't roll too thin - about half to 3/4 of an inch - I use a small drinking glass dipped in flour to cut out scones. - glaze tops with a finger dipped in milk - bake in a hot oven (around 550F) for about 10 - 12 minutes. Eat hot and buttered - yummooh Variations:- INSTEAD of pumpkin:- - add a cup of grated cheese, then put some more on top. When making cheese scones, I also add a big pinch of cayenne pepper, or ground hot chilli. - OR a cup of chopped dates. If using dates, you might like to add some sugar to the original dough recipe. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Why Me
At 01:53 AM 31/08/2008, [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote: David's message came through with all the other Arachne mail. So, using the 'This is not spam' button would seem to make a permanent change. Great - now I can go to bed and rest easy. Tomorrow is the first day of Spring! THANK GOD. Thanks David - 0220hrs Eastern Standard Time in Australia Patricia in Wales [EMAIL PROTECTED] To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED] No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG - http://www.avg.com Version: 8.0.138 / Virus Database: 270.6.13/1641 - Release Date: 29/08/2008 7:07 AM To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] tapioca pudding and other desserts
Dear Bev, many thanks for those great looking recipes. It was also some time before I knew that the British say 'pudding' for what we call 'dessert' (where we say "what's for dessert...") I think the Brits are the same as us. However, for us a pudding must be hot and baked. We can still say "What's for dessert?" But that could include such gorgeous things as cold Pavolva, or hot or cold lemon meringue pie - anything sweet following the main course. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Help - I'm surrounded by men!!!
Sue & Lorri I can empathise with you I am in the same or similar 'boat'. I also have the addition of my husband's disability which forces more tasks onto me. I am in the opposite camp. Today I was surrounded by women in my role as Musical Director for the show Nunsense. I almost tore out the rest of my hair!!! Once again - thank God for a bit of sanity on Arachne :) David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Re: origin of a word
At 02:21 AM 13/06/2008, Tamara P Duvall wrote: On Jun 12, 2008, at 11:47, David in Ballarat wrote: The "ive" ending is usually reserved for adjectives. Know any other similar examples of nouns? Prerogative. Palliative. Motive. All function as both nouns and adjectives, as does "detective". I think all of them are, probably, of French origin and ended, originally, in -if. One of these days, who knows, we may be having an "aperitive" in the afternoon :) Interesting, and probably correct. However, of the 3 samples you offered, only "motive" operates as a noun in Australian English, the other 2 remain as adjectives - nope - I have heard "prerogative" used as a noun - sorry. But "Palliative" is mostly followed by "Care" - perhaps always so, although I'm always reluctant to use an absolute. :) David in Ballarat -- Tamara P Duvallhttp://t-n-lace.net/ Lexington, Virginia, USA (Formerly of Warsaw, Poland) To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED] No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG. Version: 8.0.100 / Virus Database: 270.3.0/1499 - Release Date: 12/06/2008 7:13 AM To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Vick - no cough
Dear Sue, I think it was David who posted a message about putting Vick on the sole of one's feet at night. I forwarded it to my mother who has had a persistent cough for eight years, next month. The doctors have been unable to stop her cough, and it is assumed that it is in someway related to her asthma inhaler. However after 4 days of using Vick at night she says her coughing is greatly reduced - and she is thrilled. And even happy to wear bedsocks in summer if it stops the coughing (the socks keep the Vick off her sheets) Yes it was me, and I'm thrilled that it's worked for your Mum. I'm just back from an exhaustive week in Wellington, New Zealand. It was awesome. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Anti-virus programme
At 11:54 PM 18/05/2008, jeanette wrote: I did go to that website - they then immediately put the download in the shopping cart at USD 54 !! So it is not free any longer. I do not mind paying for anti-virus - I would just like to know which is the best. Jeanette, the website takes SOME navigating. I did manage to download their new free version only a few days ago. It was version 8.0.100 and frankly is a bit of a pain. It's working just fine but I notice it's really slowed down the starting of some programmes. Keep looking for the little word "free". It's not the one they really want you to see. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] mandoline
Rickie, Does anyone have a mandoline, and know how to use it? I bought a beautiful, nice stainless steel one years ago, in a fit of wanna-be-martha-stewart, but have never gotten the hang of setting it up, putting the blades in, and using it. Does anyone have any tips or suggestions that might help me actually make use of my investment? To me a mandolin is rather like a banjo and certainly does NOT have any blades. So I've no idea what you're talking about :) David in Ballarat All thumbs, suffering from buyer's remorse, To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Re "Buddy" map
Dear Heather, I'm located at N 49° 03.278 W 122° 21.214. I was surprised to see how recent the photo was. I can tell by the vehicles parked around my house that the picture was taken within the last two months! However, at another place that I lived, the picture is at least 2 1/2 years old - and the houses are only blocks from each other. Nice shot. So how far south of you is the USA border. Doesn't look very far. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Re: "Buddy" map
I wonder if that mis-direction is on purpose; something ordered by the Homeland Security... Hmmm - don't know. Here are the co-ordinates for my house if anyone wants to look:- 37°33'20.80"S 143°52'7.55"E David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Re: "Buddy" map
At 03:31 AM 8/10/2007, Avital wrote: LOL! Miriam Gidron says that you can see the roof tiles of her place with Google Earth. You could see the washing on my line if I had one :) David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] MORE Childhood Rhymes & Chants
Joy & Malvary, This is getting really intriguing. For while I have never heard of either of your rhymes, the Australian version is obviously somehow a derivation. Ours went:- Ask your mother for sixpence To see the big giraffe With pimples on his whiskers, And pimples on his sK you mother for sixpence etc. That was the dirtiest joke I knew at Primary School :) - learned a few more later one David in Ballarat Oh, ASK your mother for fifty cents to see the elephant climb the fence the higher he climbs the more you can see of his stonishing powers! To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] MORE Childhood Rhymes & Chants
Heather, No one has mentioned one I remember from my childhood (late 60's). This was a 'clapping' song - two girls faced one another and clapped their hands together, crossing arms etc in a pattern. The verse was: "Miss Mary Mack, Mack Mack, Had silver buttons all down her back, back, back I do recall such games (and their were many) but not that rhyme at all Sorry David To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Re: MORE Childhood Rhymes & Chants
Dear Jane, I wrote a letter to my love And on the way I dropped it Somebody must have picked it up And put it in their pocket Thief, thief, drop it, Thief, thief, drop it... Thanks for that - exactly the same in Australia in the 50s. Anyone remember a skipping rope chant which went:- Andy Pandy sugary candy French almond raisin rock. I can even remember how to do that one Another favourite was:- Wash the dishes, dry the dishes, turn the dishes over - bit like oranges and lemons game David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Re: MORE Childhood Rhymes & Chants
Tamara, Taffy was a welsh man, I took the piece of beef, And threw it at his head. That would most probably be a chant for a ball game I reckon. Why do you reckon so? Mainly because we did have numerous rhymes for ball games where the ball was thrown AT someone on the last word of the ditty. I shall gift the emroidered handkerchief to *you*! It was a "select the next it" game, with everyone standing around in a circle singing the chant, while the thrower walked inside the circle, stopping for the next "it", when the song was over. And then the routine started over again. The trick was to time your walking speed so as to end in front of someone you liked -- and were willing to kiss, after dropping the hankie at his/her feet :) I found this fascinating, for the game you describe is virtually the same as what we knew as "Drop the hanky" and I'm sure we had a chant for that too, but it wasn't yours and I can't for the life of me remember it now. I don't know whether Candida's rhyme was ever supposed to *mean* anything -- most of those things seemed to care mostly about rhyme and rhythm and only superficially about making sense -- but I'd bet it was written by an Englishman, not a Welshman... There's nothing more uplifting than a bit of neighbourly "love" :) I'd say you're pretty spot-on there. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Re: the word "up"
And a button, too, is sewn down, I think. In Australia a button is sewn "on" :) Then there's that confusing little phrase "turn up", which can of course mean: to turn up one's cuffs, or to turn up (arrive) at a turn out (or party). David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] re: the word "up"
I've got another one for you - you cut down a tree in order to cut it up. I ran into some Germans who couldn't get over that phrase. The more one thinks about that fabulous liitle word "up" the more circles one's mind begins to turn. Up can be placed after almost any verb and alter its meaning I reckon. I wonder why it is: - we "sew up" a seam or a tear, and never sew it down :) - we "tie up" our shoe laces and parcels, but there's nothing "up" about that at all - we "scrub up" for surgery (and down and all around the twiddly bits) Just a few David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Fw: Council tax
Council tax re-evaluers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas. We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing. Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet. All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay. Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs. The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control. .. Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle? David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] grammar and spoked Henglish
Dear Thurlow, "Do not speak of that of about which we talk of not speaking about." A fabulous convolution, but what was wrong with: "Do not speak about that of which we are not speaking", or "are not permitted to speak" I suppose it was the fact that this was a spoof and the writers were trying to use as many prepositions as possible. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] English as it is Spoked
Alice, There are a few expressions which have crept into Australian English (goodness knows from where) that really bug the pedants. These include such phrases as: - "growing an economy", where the verb "to grow" seems to have replaced those such as: to develop, improve, increase, enlarge, advance, expand, etc. I've even heard it used with reference to "growing the audience numbers" - "ahead of" has replaced: prior to, before - "in back of" has replaced: after, following, behind. Just thoughts, David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Water Bills,
Dear Friends, The replies re the cost of water are just fascinating - seeing how the rest of the world charges. Keep them coming. Perhaps we could do the same soon with electricity, car registration, gas (for the stove not the car), council rates etc. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Latin translations
Dear Jean, I think you'll find that "towards death" in Latin is "ad mortem" What a difference once little letter can make :) Can't recall what "morem" is though. David in Ballarat Seeing the attempts at translating old Italian from Le Pompe reminded me of the motto for Poole (the town where I live): "Ad morem villae de Poole" Remembering what I could of Latin learn at school, my literal translation was "To death villagers of Poole" rearranged to "Death to the villagers of Poole", which, given what the local council is doing to the town, I think is far more appropriate than the real translation "According to the custom of the town of Poole". Jean in Poole, Dorset, UK To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED] -- No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.446 / Virus Database: 269.0.0/751 - Release Date: 7/04/2007 10:57 PM To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Co-incidence
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For months all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs." "That's great!" says the woman, "How did you manage that?" "I switched cocks," he replied. She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!" David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Murphy's Other Laws
Murphy's Other Laws 1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. 5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them. 10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first. 12. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. 13. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture. 15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. -- Thoughts for the weekend Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over? Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Ponderisms The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Men again
15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MUM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC. 1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. 3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there. 4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. 5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway. 6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it. 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. 12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books. 14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his. 15. Sadly, all men are created equal. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Archaic Saying
Dear Friends, Yesterday I was listening to talk-back callers on the radio remembering Australian sayings which are no longer around. One was a real doozie and I'd love to know whether any of you have heard it before, and if so it's origins. An elderly man told of how his grandfather, a staunch Presbyterian who never swore in his life, had a saying which he used when the occasion demanded. You have to use the appropriate intonation to get the full effect, but he would curse in his loudest voice: " Cheese & rice, a muddy bucket of pitch" David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Lace - Tonder/Bucks
Dear Sue, As a very keen Bucks Point lace maker I was looking at some lace sites to study various types of lace and have been completely perplexed as to the difference between Bucks Point and Tonder, to me they look identical can anyone point me in the right direction as to the differences if any? There are a number of differences technically that I know of, the main one being the large open holes in Toender known as Copenhagen holes. Others include: - Toender is worked clockwise; Bucks anti-clockwise (makes no difference in the end) - Toender filled in areas are usually whole stitch rather than the half stitch favoured by some Bucks and most Chantilly. - In Toender there are NO twists when a pair of bobbins enter a filled in area, thus making the gimp sit hard up against the filled part (love that part) there are no doubt more, but that's just what I've picked up from working both kinds of lace. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Interesting Quiz
This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that its tough. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers. 1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. 2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? 3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? 4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside? 5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? 6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters " dw" and they are all common words. Name two of them. 7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them? 8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh. 9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter "S." Answers To Quiz: 1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends . . Boxing 2. North American landmark constantly moving backward . Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.) 3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons . . Asparagus and rhubarb. 4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside . . Strawberry. 5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.) 6. Three English words beginning with dw . Dwarf, dwell and dwindle. 7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . . Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, bracket s, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses. 8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold ! frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh Lettuce. 9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "s" . Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts. LIFE IS A JOURNEY. ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW AND ENJOY THE BREEZE David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Excellent medical advice
EXCELLENT MEDICAL ADVICE !! Thought you should know this, just in case. American Medical Association researchers have made a Remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better. Just thought you'd like to know? David To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Outback Adventures P.S.
Dear Friends, I forgot to sat that on the night of that flood, Burrell Creek rose some 12 metres (40 feet) as a result of about 30cm (12") of rain. It only took about 24 hours to drop to it's normal West Season level, but by then the damage was done - orchard totally gone, many rare palms flattened, huge water tanks on their sides. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Outback Adventures
Dear Friends, I arrived home yesterday morning after another month in Australia's glorious Outback. Thank goodness it's a very pleasant 25C here in Ballarat today, so I don't have to do too much acclimatizing. A month up north will always yield some exciting adventures and this year was no exception. I suppose the most dramatic occurred on the night of Friday Feb 2nd. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Australia's climatic zones, our Northern Territory is currently in the grip of its Wet season and consequent monsoons. How I love their thunder storms. That night though the heavy rain started about 6:00 p.m. with very little in the way of thunder and lightning - shuts solid walls of water cascading down. It just didn't stop and if anything increased in volume and noise as the night progressed. Some time before Picaninny Dawn I woke and could hear the roar of our little Burrell Creek. Could hardly wait for daylight to see just how much it had risen. Another couple were staying with us and her brother was out here on holiday from Germany. He's a Warrant Officer in the Army and at 44 yrs and 6''6" doesn't speak much English. He was sleeping in what is commonly known as the "Guest House" - a concrete slab with a roof, walls made from shade cloth and a doorway. At 3:00 a.m. he rolled over and thought the roof was leaking. However, when he put his legs over the side of the bed he could feel the strong current of the creek up to his knees. To make matters worse, you have to realize that this was in total darkness (no electricity) and the house would have been crawling with snakes, cane toads and the odd crocodile! Somehow or other he managed to wade to the other donga where his sister was staying and roused her along with her partner. They grabbed torches and got back to his spot where they were just in time to rescue his bag (containing his passport) as it floated out the doorway! The poor bloke was naturally in shock and everything single thing he owned was saturated. He managed to squeeze himself into a pair of my trousers and a T shirt. At least the temperature didn't get below 27C overnight, so coldness was not an issue. I am currently making a Power Point of the flood and its subsequent damage. The invasion of cane toads is now unstoppable, and whereas last year we were catching about 2 or 3 per night, this year it was more like 13 - 20. Viv now has cages to put the night's haul in. Then next morning I had to dong them on the head with a heavy iron mallet. You have to ensure the toad is lying on its back when doing this or otherwise you can easily get squirted in the eyes with their venom. The bodies are then buried. They are hideous revolting poisonous creatures and already many of the native species have disappeared from Viv's block in just 15 months since their arrival. These include Quolls (native cat); goannas, water monitors, freshwater crocodiles; Western Chestnut mice; black footed tree-rats etc. etc. Fortunately (or some might say unfortunately) the pythons seem to be tolerant. You may recall that about 3 years ago I had the honour of entertaining a 12 foot python in my bed one night. Well this year his little grandchild made his appearance - luckily only about 5 feet long. He's a stunner. Of course I managed to obtain the now obligatory nude lace making photos, with nothing untoward visible. So if anyone's interested in seeing them or those of the flood, let me know. The flood ones will be a large Power Point though. Viv also has a new nightly visitor which is a Melomys Burtoni - a little native trimmer about half way between a mouse and a rat in size. It would spend an hour or so in the bottom of the cocky's cage cleaning up the sunflower seeds, and was not the least bit perturbed by a gentle pat or the flash from a camera. It's good to be back, but will take some days to establish my old routines again. First off, I MUST commence practising Vaughan-Williams' "In Windsor Forest" for a concert in July. Bye now Love David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Nothing for a week
Eggs & Bacon A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little upset, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks their pussy cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?" David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Good old days - dunnies
Dear Jean, Vast areas of Australia still had outside dunnies until about 1970. We certainly did in the 50s. The light was a candle and the paper was, as you described, newspaper squares. The walls were covered with wonderful cuttings from the "Women's Weekly" magazine - lots of Charles and Anne as kids etc. I used to have a ball making bonfies with the used matches and once even set the dunny can on fire !!! :) My primary school (7 - 11 years) was next to a paper factory that produced soft toilet rolls. Scot something I think it was. Scot Bonner rings a bell :) David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] good old days
At 08:10 AM 13/02/2007, you wrote: If you want a reminder of 'the good old days', take a look at this old pack of loo paper. http://cgi.ebay.com/1960s-Vintage-Buff-Woolworths-Square-Pack-Toilet-Paper_W0QQitemZ260085535140 I don't remember even seeing any packaged this way in the USA. Alice, that's how a lot of ours comes presented in public loos - white though. David in Ballarat - unsubbing tomorrow Alice in Oregon -- where the sun just peeked out a bit To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED] -- No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.441 / Virus Database: 268.17.37/682 - Release Date: 12/02/2007 1:23 PM To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Irish humour
Where there is hope, there is faith Where there is faith, there is a miracle There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: 1. To be shot 2. To hang 3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death. So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly. Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.) Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with This guy. Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," So the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from His eyes and he doubled over. Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?" The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid.I'm wearing a condom" David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Attitude
Attitude There once was a woman who woke up one morning, Looked in the mirror, And noticed she had only three hairs on her head. Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did And She Had A Wonderful Day. The next day she woke up, Looked in the mirror And saw that she had only two hairs on her head. "H-M-M," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today." So she did And She Had A Grand Day. The next day she woke up, Looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. "Well," she said, "today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did And She Had A Fun, Fun Day. The next day she woke up, Looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head. "YEA!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!" Attitude is everything. Be kinder than necessary, For everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. Live simply, Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly... David To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Seniors Humour
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%. He went back in a month and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" ___ Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim said, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants." ___ A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty" he replied ___ An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"The first man thought and thought and finally said,"What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns.""Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?" ___ Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"Second one says, "No, it's Thursday! "Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer." ___ Maurice, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman in his arm. After another couple of days later, the doctor called Maurice and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Maurice replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'" ___ David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Marriage
Marriage - (Part I) Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .whether you're here or not." (DAMN SHE'S GOOD!) Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last" (HE ASKED FOR IT!) ** Marriage (Part III) Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!" (YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!) ** Marriage (Part IV) A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." (RIGHT ON, LADY!) ** Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am" He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. ** God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] A Difficult Question
Subject: How would you handle this question? A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question: How did I get here? Her mother told her: "God sent you." "Did God send you, too?" asked the child. "Yes, Dear," the mother replied. "What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted. "He sent them also," the mother said. "Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child. "Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently. "So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here." David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Health Tips :)
DON'T KNOW WHAT DOCTOR WROTE THIS, BUT I LIKE HIM! .. HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming : Woo Hoo, what a ride! To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Only in Australia - old repeat
Although Australia Day was on Jan 26th, this oldie is worth repeating for the occasion. David in Ballarat HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. Oh and.. Only in Australia ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the Way To the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy People can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in Australia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, largeFries and a DIET coke. Only in Australia do banks leave both doors open and chain the Pens to the counters Only in Australia do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage. Only in Australia ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and Then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want To talk to in the first place. Only in Australia ... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink. NOT TO MENTION...3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9v battery works On their tongue. 142 Aussies were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts. 58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. 31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while The fairy lights were plugged in. 8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth. A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years After opening bottles of beer with their teeth. And finally In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet However, then still know how to play cricket!!! HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Maths
Maths Little Zachary was doing very bad in maths.His parents had tried everything. Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an "A" in maths. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ?" Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around." David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Doctor's waiting room
Doctor's Receptionist This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room Full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "?Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her Advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??" "I can't piss out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter. Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose! David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Blonde Logic
>BLONDE LOGIC > >Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking... > > >and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther > > >away... Florida or the moon?" > > >The other blonde turns and says "Helloo , can you see Florida >...?" > > > > > >SPEEDING TICKET > > > >A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely > > >if he could see her license. > > >She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. > > >Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me > > >to show it to you!" > > > > > >RIVER WALK > > >There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees > > >another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can > > >I get to the other side?" > > >The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts > > >back, "You ARE on the other side." > > > > > >AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE > > >A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that > > >her body hurt wherever she touched it. > > >"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." > > >The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, > > >then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her > > >knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. > > >Everywhere she touched made her scream. > > >The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? > > >"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." > > >"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken." > > > > > >KNITTING > > >A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. > > >Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind > > >the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his > > >flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, > > >turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" > > >"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" > > > > > >BLONDE ON THE SUN > > >A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The > > >Russian said, "We were the first in space!" > > >The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" > > >The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" > > >The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their > > >heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the >Russian. > > >To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at >night!" > > > > > >IN A VACUUM > > >A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She > > >rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, > > >"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" > > >She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" > > > > >FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! > > >A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, > > >and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying > > >that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. > > >Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" > > >"HELLLOOO..," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] English cricket humour - risque
BILLY'S GAY DANCER DAD Billy was at school this morning in Dorset and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him." The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say." David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Martha versus Muriel
I'm with Muriel *Martha's Way* Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. *Muriel's Way * Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway! Martha To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. Muriel Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix , keep it in the pantry for up to a year. Martha When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. Muriel Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you. Martha If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up." Muriel If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!" Martha Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. Muriel Celery? Never heard of it! Martha Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. Muriel The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't. Martha Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. Muriel Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! Martha If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy. Muriel Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you. Martha Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. Muriel Leftover wine??? HELLO !!! David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Custody Drama
Custody drama Federal Court Ruling from the Melbourne Age, Australia (AP) - A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are "not capable of beating anyone." David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] A Beautiful Christmas Salad
Dear Friends, Yesterday I went to a fabulous 60th birthday party at the Oakdene Winery at Wallington near Geelong and had THE most gorgeous entree which is so easy to make. Of course the serving was way too small, but the one I made at home later certainly wasn't :) For each serving: - Cut up half about 6 small cubes of water melon; and an equal amount of something complementary such as cantelope; peach; paw-paw -cover with about 3 finely chopped mint leaves - top with a few bigger sized cubes of your favourite goat fetta cheese Dressing:- - about a tablespoon of Balsamic vinegar - a small squeeze of lemon - teaspoon of sweet chilli sauce (or sambal oelek if you like a bit of heat) - mix well and pour over salad. - Yummooohhhh David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Duties of Wives
Duties of Wives Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had Given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America , and bragged that he had Told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said That it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean House and the dishes were all washed and put away. Jimmie had married a woman from Canada . He bragged that he had Given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and The cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, But the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, The dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he Told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman. God Bless Australian Women ... David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] How it all began
Subject: A gospel lesson How It All Began In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete (look it up, it means to hide) himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known, he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And that is how it all began. Truly... ! David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Why Men Are Happier
WHY MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be Prime Minister. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier. Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Scorching
Dear Friends, I'm a bit puzzled. Have been listening to all the advice of what to wear when fighting fires etc., and they continually tell us to wear natural fibres, never synthetics which will melt and burn more quickly. Now that's what most people tend to believe. HOWEVER, I distinctly recall that back in the late 70s when I was nursing in the burns unit at Melbourne's Royal Children's Hospital, we were actually shown a demonstration of the way in which common fabrics burn. It was pointed out to us that pure cotton will scorch (turn brown) long before it ignites, and it is while it is scorching that it burns. This was demonstrated to happen at a temperature quite a bit lower than that at which nylon melted. Your comments please. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[no subject]
CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact, "Mary...Mary." "Is that you, Fred?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun,then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again" "Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven." "Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Scotland." David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Getting Even
Subject: GETTING EVEN One December day we found an old straggly cat at our front door. She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty,smelled terrible,skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, so put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat." The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O' and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion. The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The doctors'waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door. Now THAT, my friends, is getting even! David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Florida Burglary
Florida Burglary Just when you think there's no justice...A news article from a Florida Newspaper: "When Nathan Radlich's house was burgled, thieves left his TV, his VCR, and even left his watch. What they did take was a "generic white cardboard box filled with grayish-white powder." (That at least is the way the police described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, "that it looked similar to cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the Big Time." Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars to "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago." The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too: about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. Attached was this note: "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day." David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] 20 things which define Australia
1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm. 2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you. 3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that can't be improved by a sausage sizzle. 4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie, he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie. 5. There is no food that can't be improved by the application of tomato sauce. 6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. 7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate. 8. All our best heroes are losers. 9. The alpha male in any group is the one who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags. 10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold. 11. It's proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard". 12. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing. 13. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool. 14. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much. 15. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. 16. The phrase "a simple picnic" has no meaning. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying. 17. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home. 18. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening, or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for. 19. There comes a time in every Australian's life when they realise that the Aerogard is worse than the mozzies. 20. And, finally, the true test for immigration to Australia. Potential new Aussies must pass the following test Mow a sloping lawn in a pair of thongs while holding a VB and watching the cricket. Easy! To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] A Happy Woman
Subject: FW: a clever woman A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping, totally unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year- old." The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old arse?" "Your name never came up, dear" she replied. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] hot weather
Dear Sylvia, Oh, David, it does sound a bit warm. I did click on the link that you sent and the fire warnings are very grave; not like anything I've ever experiences. In all honesty, how does one really prepare for such devastating fires? There is lots to do. Firstly you must make sure that there are no tress close to your house. Must say I'm guilty of not doing that. Then you have to make sure all your gutterings have been cleaned out - no build up of dead leaves etc. You have to ensure buckets of water on hand for quick dousing of spot fires or embers, and also remember to have water there to actually drink, as the heat can be simply unbelievable. You must wear proper clothes - never the shorts and sandles you might feel like wearing, but long jeans, long sleeved shirts etc. etc. Also, something which many forget, is the fact that these days, all hose fittings are made of plastic and will melt in a fire. So you either need a spare set, or have some older more durable ones on hand. Have your car already packed with all your valuables such as bobbins bobbins and bobbins; antique lace and linens; documents; computer; photos etc. etc. Or at least get these things ready in advance together. Don't forget to cater for your animals as well - whether that means dogs, cats, birds, horses or sheep. Cut fences at the right time It's quite difficult when it comes to trying to write this down. I'm better at answering direct questions, rather than trying to think up answers in advance :) David in Ballarat - hard to believe the temp was only 20C today :) To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Britishism?
Tamara, Um... If you have access to OED on line, I wonder if you could find a *phrase* as easily as a word... I'm looking for the origin of "to get one's goat" (meaning: to annoy). So far, all I've been able to find is American, early 20th c. Yet, I have a feeling that the phrase is older than that and, possibly, of UK origin... That's an interesting one. Here in Australia I've usually heard it said: "to get ON one's goat" However, related to that I'm sure, comes the expression "to get one's nanny up" or "to get on one's nanny". Have never heard mention of the poor old billy goat though. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Victoria is ablaze
Dear Friends, Today is one of the worst imagineable. It's 3:00 p.m. and I'm sitting here only in jocks and just dripping. The temperature on my decking at the back door (in shade) is 43C Our State of Victoria is ablaze and current updates of conditions may be read at:- http://www.cfa.vic.gov.au/incidents/incident_updates.htm David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] In Case of Emergency (ICE)
Subject: Fw: In case of emergency - "ICE" Very Important to Note Isn't it true that we all carry our mobile phones with hundreds of names/numbers stored in its memory but yet nobody, other than ourselves, know which of these numbers belong to our near and dear ones? Let us for a moment create a scenario wherein (God forbid) we are involved in an accident or had a heart attack and the people attending us get hold of our mobile phone but don't know which number to call to inform our family members. Yes, there are hundreds of numbers stored but which one is the contact person in case of an emergency? For this reason, we must have one or more telephone numbers stored under the name ICE (In case of Emergency) in our mobile phones. Read below for more details. . Subject: "ICE" Campaign Recently, the concept of "ICE" is catching up quickly. It is simple, an important method of contact during emergency situations. As cell phones are carried by majority of the population, all you need to do is store the number of a contact person or person who should be contacted at during emergency as "ICE" (meaning In Case of Emergency). The idea was thought up by a paramedic who found that when they went to the scenes of accidents, there were always mobile phones with patients, but they didn't know which number to call. He therefore thought that it would be a good idea if there was a nationally recognized name for this purpose. Following a disaster in London, the East Anglican Ambulance Service has launched a national "In case of Emergency (ICE)" campaign. In an emergency situation, Emergency Service personnel and hospital staff would then be able to quickly contact your next of kin, by simply dialing the number stored as "ICE". Please forward this. It won't take too many "forwards" before every body will know about this. It really could save your life, or put a loved one's mind at rest. For more than one contact name simply enter ICE1, ICE2 and ICE3 etc. A great idea that will make a difference! Let's spread the concept of ICE by storing an ICE number in our mobile phones today! David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] The Marine's Father
The Marine's Father = A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside. "Your son is here," she said to the old man. She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes opened. Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement. The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed. All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength. Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile. He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients. Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night. Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited. Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her. "Who was that man?" he asked. The nurse was startled, "He was your father," she answered. "No, he wasn't," the Marine replied. "I never saw him before in my life." "Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?" "I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just wasn't here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed." The next time someone needs you just be there. Stay. We are not human beings going through a temporary spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings going through a temporary human experience. ~Author Unknown~ David To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Trivia
Some oldies and some newies David Subject: SEC: UNCLASSIFIED:- FW: unclassified: Trivia In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb" --- Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. --- The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. --- Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury. --- Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. --- Coca-Cola was originally green. --- It is impossible to lick your elbow. --- The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska --- The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) --- The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% --- The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 --- The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000 --- Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. --- The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. --- The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. --- Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar --- 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 --- If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. --- Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. --- Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace --- Most boat owners name their boats Obsession --- If you were to spell out numbers you have to go to one thousand to the letter "A". --- Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers were invented by women. --- The only food that doesn't spoil is honey. --- There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year. --- In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase. "goodnight, sleep tight." It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. - In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's" - Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice. - At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! - Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it de
[lace-chat] Mammogram Poem - risque
GO GET YOUR MAMMIES GRAMMED This is hysterical! Make sure you read the whole thing. There is a serious message at the end, but you get to laugh on the way there. For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them. And give them monthly tests. So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And I always wore my bra. After 30 years of astute care, My gyno, Dr Pruitt, Said I should get a Mammogram "OK," I said, "let's do it." "Stand up here real close" she said, (She got my boob in line), "And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah yes! Right there, that's fine." She stepped upon a pedal, I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate came slamming down, My hooters in a vise! My skin was stretched and mangled, From underneath my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish Pancake thin. Excruciating pain I felt, Within it's viselike grip. A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit! "Take a deep breath," she said to me, Who does she think she's kidding?!? My chest is mashed in her machine, And woozy I am getting. "There, that's good," I heard her say, (The room was slowly swaying.) "Now, let's have a go at the other one." Have mercy, I was praying. It squeezed me from both up and down, It squeezed me from both sides. I'll bet SHE'S never had this done, To HER tender little hide. Next time that they make me do this, I will request a blindfold. I have no wish to see again, My knockers getting steam rolled. If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. If there had been a cyst in there, It would have gone "ker-pow!" This machine was created by a man, Of this, I have no doubt. I'd like to stick his balls in there, And, see how THEY come out! David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Amazing French Mime Artist
Dear Friends, If you can download longer videos (8 minutes), this one is a must:- http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xf9oo_jerome-murat I have never seen anything like this bloke and the music is also to die for. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Wrapping presents with a Cat
Wrapping Presents with a Cat 1.. Clear large space on table for wrapping present. 2.. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door. 3.. Open door and remove cat from closet. 4.. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper. 5.. Go back and remove cat from cupboard. 6.. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc. . . 7.. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed. 8.. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string. 9.. Remove present from bag. 10.. Remove cat from bag. 11.. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present. 12.. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size. 13.. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat. 14.. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight. 15.. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper. 16.. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the present came in. 7.. Place present on paper. 18.. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat. 19.. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent sticky tape. 20.. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors. 21.. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible. 22.. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon. 23.. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn. 24.. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase. 25.. Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper. 26.. Decide to skip steps 13-17 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper. 27.. Put present in box, and tie down with string. 28.. Remove string, open box and remove cat. 29.. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked room. 30.. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper and materials. 31.. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and relock. 32.. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cat from outside door) 33.. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best) 34.. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper.Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last year as well. 35.. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable. 36.. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas. 37.. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job. 38.. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat. 39.. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion. 40.. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat. 41.. Go to store and buy a gift bag David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] About Men
FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT!! It's not so complicated! The nice men are ugly. The handsome men are not nice. The handsome and nice men are gay. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money. The handsome men without money are after our money. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are pigs. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank GOD are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE! The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative. NOW, WHO IN THE WORLD UNDERSTANDS MEN? Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with. SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT! (Those would be the married ones.) David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Australian wildflower photos
Dear friends, that same photographer who did the buildings of Ballarat (David MORRISON) has just set up another new website showing his gorgeous photos of Australian wild flowers. http://people.aapt.net.au/~davidmorrison/album2/ Enjoy David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Photos of Ballarat
Dear Friends, If anyone would like to see some stunning photos of Ballarat, go to this newly set up website. http://people.aapt.net.au/~davidmorrison/album/index.html David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Blonde humour
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises. My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, " And where do you think you're going?(You're gonna love this. ) She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!" David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] For Dog Lovers
Tear Jerker Much of the appeal of dog ownership is the loyalty of dogs to their owners. All dog owners recognise joy in their dogâs expression when they return home after a short absence but there are stories where a dogâs devotion to its owner has been remarkable. Perhaps the best known story of canine loyalty is the story of Greyfriars Bobby, a small shaggy terrier owned by a farmer in Scotland. When the farmer died in 1858 Bobby followed the funeral and stood, whining softly, as the coffin was lowered into the grave. As the mourners turned away Bobby did not follow, but lay there with his eyes fixed mournfully on the grave. He remained there all night and the next day was discovered, wet and cold, by the sexton who drove him away. That night, when doing his rounds of the cemetery, he found the little shaggy dog had returned and although soaked to the skin and shivering was huddled against the same grave. The following morning one of the grave diggers recognised the dog as belonging to the farmer who was buried there. The story of the little dog was told in the bar of the local inn and patrons arranged shelter for the dog and provision of table scraps. The story captured the imagination of the public after being written up in an Edinburgh paper and people crowded to the churchyard to see Greyfriars Bobby. Bobby learned to go to the Inn at noon every day to be fed a plate full of table scraps but would return to the churchyard to take up his vigil. Bobby was declared a stray and was about to be impounded when the Innkeeper guaranteed his yearly licence fee and accepted responsibility for the dog. The Mayor of Edinburgh presented Bobby with an ornate collar which had been purchased from money donated by the public and many artists sketched or painted Bobby. On the 14th January 1872, Bobby was found dead in his bed along side his masterâs grave. For nearly fourteen years he had kept his vigil and no-one knew how old he was when the farmer died. Edinburgh mourned Bobby, its greatest tourist attraction, and a memorial was erected in the churchyard in his memory. Author : Petcare Information and Advisory Service Australia David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Christmas Party humour
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 4th November 2006 RE: Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 22nd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party. Merry Christmas to you and your Family. Pauline FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 5th November 2006 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'.. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family, Pauline. FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 6th November 2006 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymoreHow am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Pauline. FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 7th November 2006 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?! Pauline. FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 8 November 2006 RE: The Ruddy Holiday Party. Vegetarian I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die. FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director DATE: 9th November 2006 RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 22nd December off with full pay. To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] A bag of lollies
A 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down. "I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the driver. "No way, get stuffed", replied the boy. "How about a bag of lollies and $10?" asked the driver. "I said no way", replied the irritated youngster "What about a bag of juicy lollies and FIFTY dollars eh?",quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy. "No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy. "Okay, okay, I know what you want. I'll give you $100 and a bag of lollies", the driver offered. "NO!", screamed the boy. "What will it take to get you in the car?" Asked the driver with a long sigh. The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Volvo, you live with it." David To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Elaborate Funeral
Elaborate Funeral Jim had a will that provided $ 30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Mary Ann, turned to her sister, Shelly, and said: "Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased." "I'm sure you're right," replied Shelly, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Mary Ann. "Thirty thousand." "No!" Shelly exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Mary Ann answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone." Shelly computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!" "Two and a half carats." David To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Exercise for seniors
Only passing this onto my senior friends - (don't be offended -old is old) If you don't have a gym membership, try this. I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Choir - Vaughan-Williams
Dear Friends, Has anyone here ever performed Vaughan-Williams' "In Windsor Forest"? I sang in it in 1985 - the year I co-founded the Darwin Chorale. Our choir, here in Ballarat, is performing it around the middle of next year, and this time I am the pianist. I got the music today and had a play through. It's a bit daunting, and I reckon will take all of 6 months to get it up to concert standard. Guess I must thrive on this stress :) In the meantime, I've been going great guns on my Chantilly cloth which I started 3 years ago, and it should be finished in about 4 more days - 2 foot square, 6" edging. Will post some pics when it's done. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] genealogy
At 05:38 AM 2/11/2006, you wrote: I've been researching our family history all year as well..it's been very interesting. I have a subscription to ancestry.com.uk, genesreunited and I often consult familysearch.org. I found familysearch a good starting point. Some of their information is wildly inaccurate but it often tells you who the parents were and some of the children. Ancestry.com has all the census records back to 1841 in the UK. The Americans kept records for longer than that..the lucky dogs :) It's surprising how much information you can get from the census records though. I found that most counties have a genealogy society and that's where I have made some valuable contacts..one fellow even went to the "home" village and took pictures of the village and one of my lost relatives :) With genesreuntied I was most annoyed, you have to pay for everything :( There again you can make some useful contacts, but overall I found that site useless. The freebie sites are limited unless you happen across someone else looking for your family tree. So far I've been able to trace my family tree back to the 1500's all on-line..now I've got to start to pay if I want certificates etc. Sharon, on Vancouver Island To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED] Dear Sharon, In 35 years as a professional genealogical researcher I have paid for very little considering. There is certainly no way I would ever subscribe to Ancestry.com. There are many many helpful sites in the UK. The first thing I always do when confronted with a new forebear is to subscribe to the Mail List for the relevant county/. There are always heaps of wonderful willing people right on the scene who are only too willing to do lookups for you. As for Americans keeping records longer than the Brits, that's a joke. Have you not heard that Parish Registers go back to the time of the dissolution of the monasteries in 1533?? It's simply (or complexly a matter of locating them) One of the best clues I was ever given for research is to actually telephone the LIBRARIAN in a given village. They are so overwhelmed at receiving a phone call from the other side of the world that they will go overboard to hunt out every tid-bit they can for you. They are also NOT professional researchers and are often satisfied with a nominal donation. Once I even sent a packet of Tim Tam biscuits for the morning tea fund of the PRO on the isle of Wight, from whence the COLLYERs hail. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Butter versus Margarine
Dear Friends, I haven't checked the validity of the discussion below - merely forwarding David in Ballarat Subject: Can't believe we eat this stuff! Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back. It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter. How do you like it? They have come out with some clever new flavorings. DO YOU KNOW...the difference between margarine and butter? Read on to the end...gets very interesting! Both have the same amount of calories. Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams. Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study. Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few only because they are added! Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods. Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years. And now, for Margarine.. Very high in trans fatty acids. Triple risk of coronary heart disease. Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol) increases the risk of cancers up to five fold. Lowers quality of breast milk. Decreases immune response. Decreases insulin response. And here's the most disturbing fact HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING! Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC.. This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance). You can try this yourself: Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things: * no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something) * it does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value; nothing will grow on it. Even those teeny weeny micro-organisms will not want it as a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly plastic. Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast? Share This With Your Friends.(If you want to "butter them up") To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Paddy & the Blonde
Two Irish engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, Looking up. A blonde walked by and asks what they are doing. Paddy said: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder" The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She then pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches. She then walked off. Mick said: "Ain't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length" David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] SKYPE Again
Dear Friends, Today I finally managed to get SKYPE working on my new computer. So if any of you have it, let me know privately (or publically if you like) and I can give you a phone call free. I know, I know Tamara - you hate phone calls. Well your birthday must be just about now I reckon :) :) :) Thanks David in Ballarat, Australia To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Just Twenty Dollars
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!" That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Out of the mouths of babes
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) (1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming - Alan, age 10 (2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with - Kristen, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? (1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then - Camille, age 10 (2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age) HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? (1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids - Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? (1) Both don't want any more kids - Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? (1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure) (2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date - Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains) WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? (1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns - Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? (1) When they're rich - Pam, age 7 (I couldn't have said it better myself) (2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that - Curt, age 7 (Good Point) (3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do - Howard, age 7 (Who made the rule) IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? (1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out - Theodore, age 8 (Too much detail for his age) (2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them - Anita, age 9 (bless you child) HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? (1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8 And the #1 Favourite is HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? (1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck - Ricky, age 10 ( The boy already understands) David To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe Bill had a cold or some such But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam got worried. However, Sam had no idea where Bill lived; so, he figured that he had seen the last of Bill. A month had passed when one day Sam approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Bill!! Sam was happy to see him and told him so. Then he asked, "For crying out loud, Bill, what in the world happened to you?" Bill replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail?" cried Sam!! "What in the world did an old codger like yourself do to get in jail?" "Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?" "Yeah," said Sam, his eyes getting wider. "What about her?" "Well, one day she charged me with rape, and I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty. So, the judge gave me 30 days for perjury." David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Ponderisms
Subject: Ponderisms Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? -- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window? David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] A Fine Explanation
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was very upset. You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!" Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!" And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good cleanup I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair just the same... Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?" David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] humour
There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak English, but was a very good worker. After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the 'parts', but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'." Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and indeed, the 'sheep fries' were tasty. The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'. The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was. She said, "You know, it was the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries. Then he screamed and ran like hell." David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] The Sermon
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS." The pastor hollered out "GRACE" The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound." The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD." The Pastor said "SEX." The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything Then all of a sudden, way from in the back ! of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES." Gotta Love Little Old Ladies. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Perks of being over 50
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run--anywhere. 4. People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm. 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge. 12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't get much worse. 15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 19. You can't remember who sent you this list David To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] A Difficult Day update
Dear Friends, Thank you all for your kind words. Today has been very frustrating trying to communicate with the Vet! Have finally determined that Barbara's fractures and dislocations are very complex and even if they tried a reconstruction (at around AUS $2000) it would most probably fail. So later today (Friday here) she is to undergo an above-knee amputation (about AUS $350) and I'll collect her on Saturday morning David To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] The Homeless Woman
The Homeless Woman A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "NoI had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman replied. "Will you use it to go shopping for baubles instead of buying food?" the woman asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive" "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" "Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight. The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine." David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] A Difficult Day
Dear Friends, Today started out bright and breezy as I was expecting 2 friends of 50 years up from Melbourne for the day. However, at about midday, just prior to their arrival my tobacco man accidently ran over my dear cat Barbara Doll. At least he stopped and came back in to tell me. She had shot off under the house which is about 12" high at the front and there was I all clean and showered worming my way through 125 years of dust, broken bricks etc. to try to get to her. As I got near, she walked out the other side. I could see that her right back leg was shattered, but I could not get near her. It was pathetic watching her trying to climb a tree. Eventually my friends arrived and we caught her and got her to the Vet. After many x-rays and examinations it seems she was extremely lucky - the hip is OK. It's mainly around the ankle area which is all dislocated and smashed. The orthopod is to check the x-rays in the morning, but it looks as though we are facing amputation tomorrow afternoon. I offered to invent a prosthesis, but there are too many problems with fur etc. They said she'll cope really well and it's far easier for a cat to lose a back leg than a front one which they use so much for grooming, digging holes etc. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Words Women Use
Words Women Use Fine This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. Five Minutes If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. Nothing This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine". Go Ahead This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT! Loud Sigh Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing". That's Okay This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. Thanks This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you.. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Cardiologist Humour
Subject: Cardiologist's Funeral Cardiologist's Funeral A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.I'm a gynecologist." The proctologist fainted. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Pastor's Business Card
Pastor's Business Card A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house It seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came To his repeated knocks at the door Therefore, he took out a business Card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the Door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his Card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of Laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. " Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I Was naked." David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Dictionary for 2
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female..Any part under a car's hood. MaleThe strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female..Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another MalePlaying football without a protector. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female..The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. MaleLeaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n Female...A desire to get married and raise a family. Male.Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v. Female..A good movie, concert, play or book. MaleAnything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female..An embarrassing by-product of digestion. MaleA source of entertainment, self-expression male bonding. 7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female..The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. MaleCall it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed. 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female...A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male.A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] English analogies
An English instructor at North Texas State University was teaching her freshman class about analogies. Seeing an especially bright-looking student sitting in the front row, she asked him, "If happiness is the opposite of sadness, and gleeful is the opposite of forlorn, what is the opposite of woe?" The young man answered, "Giddyup" David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Scraping the Barrel
The Bacon Tree Two mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet" "Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee". So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune,and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat. "Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree". "Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert dont forget" "Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree". And with that Luis Races towards the tree. he gets to within 5 metres , Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but. true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath. "Pepe...go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree" "Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it? "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree... Ees Ees Ees Eees a Ham Bush. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] AUS Humour
It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, "Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?" The meteorologist responded, " It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold." So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" The meteorologist again replied, "Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter." The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" he asked. "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever. "How can you be so sure?" the elder asked. The weatherman replied, "There are reports that the Aboriginals are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign." David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
