At 08:18 AM 1/21/99 -0500, you wrote: >> >> I would just like to say that I
do not understand what everybody has against >> line dancing. I think it's
a lot of fun. >> >> Two-stepping, too. Brings back fond memories of a
sawdust covered floor in a >> bitty roadhouse with a jukebox outside
Pinetop, AZ, circa 1970. >> >> LR
this is an old discussion, so I brought up my old answer. you've seen it
before, but because I am holding the baby (baby says goo- i think that
means hi) i will repost this.
The truth about LineDancing
There is a disease going around that is ruining America. Line-Dancing. You
can't go into a Honky Tonk anywhere in this great land without being
exposed to it's demonic lure. It's ruining marriages and stamping out the
individualism that made our country great.
Aids and Safe sex are responsible for line-dancing. People only dance for
two reasons. Women dance for fun. They like to get on the dance floor and
show off. But men dance for an entirely different reason. We dance to get
laid. That's it. We would rather sit at the bar swapping lies, or prove our
superior hand-eye coordination at the pool table. But the game of shooting
pool is dominated by men. And most guys are more interested in spending
quality time, that is time without their clothes on, with the female of the
species. So we are forced to interact with them.
The way to do this is by talking to them. Gone are the days when you could
just whack them in the head with a club and drag them back to your cave.
These days, this kind of behavior is frowned upon. And women will club your
ass back now too. Nope. The way it's done these days is through the art of
communication. Communication is a cruel trick imposed on us males by Nazi
Feminists. Us men really aren't any good at it. But if you want that pretty
little cave girl to come check out the paintings in your cave you are going
to have to learn to communicate. And communication is hard to do at the
bar. All the other cavemen there are trying to get underneath her animal
skin robes as well. That's why they invented dancing. While dancing it is
just you and her. A two step or a slow song is a perfect time for gazing
into each others eyes and swapping lies back and forth.
Now I'm not much of a dancer. Because of this I didn't get laid much
either. So I had to figure out how to dance if I wanted to interact with
someone less ugly than me. Slow dancing I had down cold. If you can hug,
you can slow dance. Slow dancing is just a hug set to music. You might have
to shuffle your feet a little bit, but even a completely uncoordinated
drunken klutz can do it. Even a geek like me. But then I had to learn to
Two-Step. This was a lot harder. You have to be able to count. I worked at
this one for a while. (the counting) Then one night it was explained to me.
A Two-Step is nothing more than a controlled stagger. Once I figured how
how to Two-Step without causing anyone permanent injuries, I then had to
learn how to dance and talk at the same time. This seemed about as simple
as brain surgery.
After a while I got better at it. I even started showering regularly and
using toothpaste and deodorant. This really improved my Communication
skills. I was able to spend Quality Time with several future young
heartbreaking, home wrecking types. Then along came line-dancing.
Line-dancing looks like a Broadway musical. Everything is so carefully
choreographed. It looks to me like all line dancers should be wearing
tights and a tutu. I don't look good in tights. I can't follow directions
worth a damn. But women go for line-dancing. Because it looks pretty. It
reminds me of Sumo Wrestling. You aren't close enough to your partner to be
able to look into their eyes. You can't talk to them. Hell, line-dancing
doesn't even require a partner. It has changed the art of dancing to the
equivalent of a livestock show. You trot Ole Bessie out into the ring,
circle her around a couple of times, The farmers are standing around
talking and checking out Ole Bessie's teats. Then people start bidding.
Whoever want's to spend the most on Ole Bessie takes her home. I ain't got
a chance. My nights alone have increased dramatically.
Give me one of those slow cheating songs where I can rest her large
silicone enhanced breasts on top of my large fried chicken enhanced belly.
Then I can lean over and whisper one of my world famous patented pickup
lines in her ear. like "Them's nice jeans, I bet they'd look even better
hanging over the back of my couch" or "Your prettier than a sheep with her
back legs caught in a fence on a moonlite night" or my favorite "How would
you like to come over and see the house that you are gonna take away in our
nasty divorce". You can't break up a home with line-dancing. And it just
ain't right to line-dance to cheatin, drinking, prison, or murdered
girlfriend songs. You got to two-step or slow dance. That's why more
lawyers listen to George Jones and Merle Haggard than Brooks and Dunn.
Job Security.
Jeff Wall
http://www.twangzine.com The Webs least sucky music magazine
727 Alder Circle - Va Beach, Va - 23462 -(757) 467-3764
