in response to Kakki, Sarah wrote:
<<<even if there's welfare
help available. Something put the idea in her mind that she couldn't
cope alone, couldn't be a mother, was a "child with a child,
pretending." Maybe a sense of worthlessness, or an inability to
self-define. I can only guess. Whatever it was, it must have been
heartbreaking.>>>
I often step into the discussion on this subject because I feel so strongly about it
(shaky as I write) with the view and purpose of educating those who may not understand
what *it* was like back then for our Joan , as a young woman, single, pregnant, no
support, precious little choice in the real sense of the word.
I wish to make it very clear that while I do not assume to speak for Joni, (only she
can do that) , I will speak from my own first hand experience...and since I've been
there and done a lot of work/advocacy/research/public speaking/been published on this
experience I feel that Ive got a lot to say and a lot to share from the inside, out.
First of all, the way 'society' was set up, it was an unwritten expectation that
young women would surrender their babies for adoption. And all the ducks were lined up
in a row to have that happen. The doctors, lawyers, hospitals, homes for unwed moms,
and many of the families of origin ... all heads were pointed in the direction of the
one and only choice/option available for these women. It seemed as though they had a
ready made script memorized.
There was a great deal of judgement and persistant pressure placed directly upon the
woman, not the man, but the woman. She was the one who had to ultimately 'deal' with
the situation. And believe me, as a woman in the situation, you internalize that to
the place that you are branded Jezebel. Shame and blame become your middle names. You
wear them like skin. They permeate your cells. You begin to live into that because it
comes to you in many ways .. subtle and not so subtle., that look, that deafening
silence when you walk in the room, when obviously you are not wearing a wedding ring,
when the conclusion and split second judgement are made. Your crime? You had sex. You
werent married.
That said, Im sure there were some men who stood their ground and stayed by the side
of the woman, however, there are countless cases where that did not happen. I wont
even go into the 'why', that's a little off the beaten path of my discussion here.
Even siblings turned their backs away in shame .
And there you are, you are the one carrying this child. Gives a whole new meaning to
the words alone, lonely. Damn. Everyone else has something to say about it, about what
you should do or not do. And in those days, I feel that communications were pretty
difficult between parents and kids, at least speaking from the experience of mine as
well as other girls/women who were terrified of what Mom and Dad would do if they ever
found out. Joni herself has said that she kept the pregnancy / birth of her daughter
from her parents. What else could she do?
So you stand alone on the doorstep to some coffee shop in your home town at 2 am
shivering because you've run out of money, having spent it on four of those tiny metal
pots of tea....until you realize you have to do something...you feel completely and
utterly abandoned by everyone around you including and especially by the ahole that
helped to get you here in the first place. It takes two, and it is amazing how quickly
he forgets that little detail, oh how short his memory becomes.
And guess what. No one sticks by you when facing a decision such as this one. So it
feels. And in the shock of those long and painstaking minutes, hours, days, weeks,
months to follow, you can never really come to grips with the weight and reality that
you really truly are carrying a life beneath your heart. It is simultaneously
exhilerating and devastating. You want to be happy, isnt that what new moms are
supposed to do...and yet you know you've never felt real fear until now. And it never
ever feels real. Until finally, Kick, kick, roll turn push kick some more...yea then
you know it's real around the 16 week mark and then you try to push it down some more
and deny deny deny.Wear baggy clothes, slouch, hide, dont go out unless you absolutely
have to and for god's sake, dont look anyone in the eye. What the hell else are you
to do.
As far as I know , there was zero support socially, emotionally, economically for
women to keep their babies. How? That's the big question. Welfare, a well intentioned
plan that never did provide a living wage for anyone , let alone a young inexperienced
woman who may have been as young as 13 or as old as 21 or 27 and so on. In the end,
the age doesnt really matter...you become one of the assembly line, schlepped along
the conveyor belt towards your own oblivion.
As to why Joan ended up seeking the so called "support" of the nuns...I imagine she
was pretty scared and panicky...perhaps a Catholic Hospital was the option she felt
she had going for her , or perhaps she walked in a trance like state, common in this
kind of situation, into a Catholic Childrens Aid Society, which was no doubt
affiliated with a Catholic Home For UnWed Mothers or any number of names disguised as
the same.
I think Ive said enough. thanks for bringing it up...and mostly, thanks for listening
to my passion about this subject.
Mags
You open my heart, you do.
Yes you do.
- JM
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