[Purehumour] Tuesday Ticklers

[Purehumour Family Autobot]

���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->���
and
���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->���
presents

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop
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Okay...so Purehumour has not been the most reliable humour ezine around
lately....it has been pretty tough getting the correct number of issues out to
you and I am not even going to pretend that I can do it anymore! I will send
out issues when I can for the next little while...but I seriously doubt that you
will see a full week of issues until after the holidays.

Now I have a bit of a problem here...a spokesperson for our Prime Minister
happened to be overheard calling George W a "moron" and it has turned into
a major international incident. Actually we Canucks are beginning to get a
little concerned that George W may set his sites on Canada after he is done
with Iraq...and this comment just adds a little more fuel to the fire....but the
biggest problem that I have is that 1/2 the voting population of the US would
agree with the comment that was made but when a Canuck makes it...watch
out! (and I can feel the flames coming my way now!)

To those of you who have done some shopping in the Giftshop...thank you...
and to everyone else...the announcement that I made last week offering 15%
off everything was wrong....due to a "math error" the actual discount that you
are getting is 25% OFF everything in the store which is an even better deal
for you....and don't forget that all orders over $50.00 (excl S&H) will receive a
free gift and all orders over $100.00 get free shipping. Time is running out to
finish your Christmas shopping...so do it now.
<a href=" http://giftshop.paulsfunhouse.com ">Click</a>
http://giftshop.paulsfunhouse.com

Today's issue includes contributions by: Kywolflady, Di Ann, SunAmy, Barb,
Nevanish, Rubin, LordHelmet, Marina, D.A. Funk.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���
Lets start with a quickie:

Have you heard about the new douche for women?

Its made from marijuana, Arrid deodorant, and
Kentucky Fried Chicken....it promises to leave
you high dry and finger licking good.

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

This place...
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Newsflash...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1129 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1129

���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------���
Today's issue is brought to you by:

EVERY TICKET IS A WINNER in the ultimate practical
joke! Scratch 'n' Win lottery tickets for your friends (or
enemies)...watch their faces as they scratch and reveal
a prize of $10,000 or $25,000 or even $50,000! See them
bounce off the walls....who is the one to tell them that it
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in
front of me had a large order. As the harried-looking clerk
lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending
the contents crashing to the floor. "They just don't make
these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to the
customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"

���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------���

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Vote Now :

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���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------���

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php

���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------���

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1942 Olivia Cole Memphis TN, actress (Roots, Szysznyk)
1943 Jan Stenerud Norway, NFL place kicker (Kansas City Chiefs)
1945 John McVie rocker (Fleetwood Mac-Rumours, Tusk)
1945 Mikhail Woronin USSR, gymnast (Olympic-2 gold/4 silver/bronze-1968)
1948 Galina Prozumenschikova USSR, 200m backstroke (Olympic-gold-1964)
1952 Wendy Turnbell Australia, tennis player (1979,82 US Opens Double)
1959 Jamie Rose NYC, actress (Susan Birch-St Elsewhere, Falcon Crest)
1961 Marcy Walker actress (All My Children, Eden-Santa Barbara)
1963 Allyson Rice-Taylor actress (Connor-As the World Turns)
1981 Jamie Fiske liver transplant recipient

.....and on this day in history:

1950 China enters Korean conflict, sends troops across Yalu River
1962 1st recording session under the name "Beatles"
1965 France launches 1st satellite, 92 lb (42 kg) A1-capsule (Asterix)
1966 1st major tidal power plant opens at Rance estuary, France
1969 Creams' final concert (Royal Albert Hall)
1972 Pete Gogolak scores NY Giant record 8 pts after a touchdown
1973 Nixon's personal sec, Rose Mary Woods, tells a federal court she accidentally caused part of 18-minute gap in a key Watergate tape
1974 Approximately 140 die when suspension bridge collapses (Nepal)
1975 Fed jury found Lynette Fromme guilty of attempted assassination
1976 Ringo releases "Hey Baby" single
1978 10 die as fire erupts at Holiday Inn in Rochester, NY
1980 Columbia mated to SRBs & external tank at Vehicle Assembly Building
1982 Clyde King named Yankee manager
1982 Yasuhiro Nakasone elected PM of Japan succeeding Zenko Suzuki
1982 Howard Cossell calls his last fight after being disgusted by the Larry Holmes-Tex Cobb mismatch
1983 Heathrow Airport, robbed of 6,800 gold bars worth $38.7 million
1984 John W Mercom Jr announces NO Saints are up for sale for $75 million
1985 23rd Space Shuttle Mission (61-B)-Atlantis 2-is launched
1988 Alexander Volkov, Sergei Krikalev and Jean-Loup Chretien launch
1988 Pioneer 6's closest approach to Earth since 1965 launch (1.87 M km)
1990 Buffalo Bills become 6th 1st place NFL team to lose on same weekend
1990 Matsushita purchases MCA for $6.6 billion
1990 Mikhail Gorbachev tells Iraq to get out of Kuwait
1991 Condoms are handed out to thousands of NY High School students

�2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

The following sign hangs in a local garage:

AUTO REPAIR PRICE LIST
Ping-Ping-Ping .......$ 35.00
Plunk-Ping-Plunk ...$ 50.00
Klunk-Ping-Klunk ...$ 125.00
Thud-Klunk-Thud ....$ 200.00
Clang-Thud-Klank ...$ 325.00

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���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------���

"A group of scientists in Boston announced that they have
successfully grown human teeth in a laboratory for the very
first time. This is great news for dentists and even better
news for guests on the Jerry Springer show."
-Conan O'Brien

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Go To The Ends Of The Earth For Me
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/44.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/44.htm

Krispy Kreme Kalendar
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Banana Flasher
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/40.htm ">Click</a>
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Toilet Paper Cat
<a href=" http://judysjokes.com/jokes/jj/10050205.html ">Click</a>
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Little Johnny asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people
can be taken apart like machines?"

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied
his mother.

Little Johnny replied,, "The other day, Daddy was talking
to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed
the ass off his secretary."

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

I know what you did...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1128 ">Click Here </a>
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Velcro man...
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

There was 3 old men sitting by a pool talking about old times. One
of the men asked the other two what was the worst sound they ever
heard.

The first old man said, "Well I was in Africa once and had a herd
of wild elephants come in my direction and I had no place to
hide."

The second old man said, "I was a pilot in the air force and was
flying over the ocean and the engine on my plane was making bad
noises like it was going to quit."

The third old man who had asked the question said, "I have the
worst one of all. I was seeing this woman and her husband came in
on us while we were in the bed together. I jumped up and ran and
jumped out the window."

The third old man paused and the other two men asked, "Well, what
was the bad sound?"

The third old man replied, "Just a minute. This is hard for me to
retell."

After a short pause he said, "Okay, I jumped out the window and
the woman's husband grabbed me by the balls! So there I was,
hanging by my balls, and the worst sound I ever heard happened. It
was the sound of a man trying to open his pocket knife with his
teeth!"

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���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------���

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"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Astrological After-sex Comments

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
Taurus: "I'm hungry -- pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me -- I'll call you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"
Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"

���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------���

I think it's important to remember that we just can't be good at
everything. For example, look at Liberace, he was a great pianist, but
he sucked on the organ.

���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------���

The Egyptian Imhotep is important to the field of medicine because __________ ?

A. He is the earliest known physician whose name survives
B. He invented Viagra
C. He developed the first steroids (how do you think they build those pyramids?)
D. He was Mosespersonal physician

<Answers in Next Issue!>

24/11

Last Issue's Answers:

How far back can we trace soccer's roots?

B. 200 B.C.


� Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

AIDS Notice
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/47.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/47.htm

Worst Yeast Infection Ever Seen
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/50.htm ">Click</a>
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Bite Me
<a href=" http://www.comedyezine.com/miski1.htm ">Click</a>
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Stiff Nipples
<a href=" http://judysjokes.com/jokes/jj/10050204.html ">Click</a>
http://judysjokes.com/jokes/jj/10050204.html

���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------���

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation
is expected.>

[Here is a bit of a special one...LordHelmet wrote to me a couple of
months back looking for a couple of "old jokes"...I wasn't a total help
to him...but I hope I set him on the right track to finding the jokes he
was looking for...it must have worked because below you find a total
classic...one of the jokes that LordHelmet was looking for]

PART ONE:

European Men Are So Much More Romantic Than American Men
By Alyssa Lerner
Junior, Boston University

I just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, and let me tell you, it
truly was the most magical, amazing experience of my entire life. The
French countryside was like something out of a storybook, the Roman ruins
were magnificent, and the men, well, European men are by far the most
romantic in the world.

You American men all think you're so suave and sophisticated. Well, think
again! European men make you look like the immature, inexperienced little
children you are. They really know how to make a woman feel special over
there. Unlike the so-called men here in the States, European men know how
to treat a woman right.

For one thing, European men aren't afraid to come up and talk to you. And
they know how to start slow, with a nice cup of Italian espresso or a long
walk on some historic street. They know the places you can't find in any
tourist guide. They know the whole history of the cities in which they
live--who the fountains are named after, who the statues are.

I remember one unforgettable night in Athens, I sat and listened to a
Greek sailor for hours as he told me about the countless men who fought
over Helen back in ancient times. Afterward, he told me he loved his
homeland even more now that he'd seen it through my eyes. I ask you, would
an American man ever say something as deep and beautiful as that?

European men know the most romantic little cafis and bistros and
trattorias, candlelit places where you can be alone and drink the most
fantastic wine. They tell you what's on the menu and what you should try.
(If it wasn't for a certain young man in Milan, I never would have
discovered fusilli a spinaci et scampi.) And the whole time, they're
looking deep into your eyes, like you're the only woman on the entire
planet. What woman could resist a man like that? Then, after a moonlit
stroll along the waterfront and a kiss in the doorway of their artist's
loft, you find yourself unable to--well, I'll leave the rest to your
imagination.

I'll never forget my magical semester abroad. One thing's for sure--I'm
ruined for American men forever!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

PART TWO:
American Women Studying In Europe Are Unbelievably Easy
By Giovanni Di Salvi

I'm a 25-year-old carpenter living in Rome, and I don't mind telling you
that I get all the action I can handle. I'm not all that handsome or
well-dressed, and I'm certainly not rich. In fact, my Italian countrywomen
could take me or leave me. But that's just fine, because Rome gets loads
of tourist traffic, and American co-eds traveling through Europe are
without a doubt the easiest lays in the world.

Being European gives me a hell of an advantage. I'm not sure why, but
there's something about the accent that opens a lot of doors. All you have
to do is go up to them, act a little shy and say, "Whould hyou like to go
with me, Signorina, for a cafi?" I actually have to thicken up my accent a
little, but they never, ever catch on.

After a cheap coffee, which to them always tastes better than anything
they've ever had, because they're in Europe, it's time to walk them. Now,
all they know about Rome is what they've read in Let's Go, so you can
pretty much just make up a whole bunch of shit. It's fun to see how much
they'll swallow: As long as I refer to Italy as "my homeland" and other
Italians as "my people," they'll believe pretty much anything. I don't
know who most of the local statues are, so I tell the muffins they're all
great artists and poets and lovers. Once, just for the hell of it, I told
a psychology major from the University of Maryland that a public staircase
was part of the Spanish Steps, which she'd never even heard of. Another
time, I told this blonde from Michigan State that the public library was
the Parthenon, and she cooed like I'd just given her a diamond.

For dinner, I usually take them to some cheap little hole in the wall,
someplace deserted where not even the cops eat. American girls think
candlelight means "romance," not "deteriorating public utilities," so they
just poke their nipples through their J. Crew sweaters and never notice
that there's no electricity. Just as well, because Roman restaurants
aren't exactly the cleanest. After a bunch of fast-talk about the menu, I
get them the special, which is usually some anonymous pasta with spinach
and day-old shrimp, and whatever cheap, generic, Pope's-blood chianti's at
the bottom of the list.

By this time, they're usually standing in a slippery little puddle. Going
in for the kill, I walk them past one of Rome's famous 2,000-year-old open
cesspools. Then, as we open the door to my shitty efficiency, I kiss them
on the eyelids so they don't see the roaches, making sure the first thing
they see is the strategically positioned artist's easel I bought at some
church sale. That's usually all they need to see and, like clockwork,
they fall backwards on my bed with their Birkenstocks in the air.

I mean, they're hardly Italian women, but we have a saying here in Europe:
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------���

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!

Dig deep and dust it off...way back to November 26th 1999:

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m352.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m352.html

���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------���

Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
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���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------���

The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken
casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And
then you dump the stock.

���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------���

Big Bra
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Masculinity
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Ask Guru Joe
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���-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------���

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj

The cat wasn't afraid. "I'd like to see you fit that
big fat head of yours in this hole Sparky."

Rex was ready to lunge but for some reason he didn't.

Sam broke the silence. "Look, we're just trying to
figure out what happened is all."

"WHAT HAPPENED"? The cat exclaimed. "A comet hit the
earth and wiped everything out dogbrain"!

"I know that." Sam replied. "Why didn't it wipe us
out"?

Neither dog nor cat had that answer but they all sat
still for a minute, hoping the answer would come.

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

A king on a desert island was so beloved by his people, they decided to give
him a very special gift for the anniversary of his coronation. So after
much thought, they decided to make him a throne out of seashells, which were
plentiful on the island. And when it was finished, they presented it to the
king, who loved it. But he soon discovered it was very uncomfortable to sit
on. So he told his subjects it was too special to use everyday (so as not
to hurt their feelings) and put it in the attic of his palace (which was, of
course, a hut like all the other dwellings on the island), planning to use
it just for special occasions.

But that night, it fell through the ceiling of his bedroom and landed on top
of him, killing him instantly.

And the moral of the story is: Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow
thrones!

���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------���

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

An Italian cab driver was telling a passenger that only real men drive
taxis in Rome.

"We use our left hand for signals and our right hand to wave at women,"
he proclaimed.

The tourist asked, "But how do you steer?"

"I just told you," the cabbie replied, "that only *real* men drive taxis
in Rome."

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Dead End
<a href=" http://www.comedyezine.com/miski4.htm ">Click</a>
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Dyn O Mite
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New 100 Dollar Bill
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Friendly Flasher
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���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------���

A couple have been given a ticking off from a police
officer for honking their horn in support of striking
firefighters.

Helen Ward says she and her husband, Christopher,
sounded their car's horn as they passed the picket
line in Hartlepool, in the early hours of Sunday.

They were then pulled over by a police officer and
given a written warning for honking their horn after
11:30pm.

According to The Northern Echo, the incident happened
between 12:30am and 1am, after Mrs Ward had been picked
up by her husband following a night out with friends.

Mrs Ward, a physiotherapist at the University Hospital
of Hartlepool, told the paper: "We were all completely
stunned. He (the officer) said it was illegal to beep
your horn after 11:30pm. My husband could not believe
we had been stopped for that."

Cleveland Police said that the Wards and two friends
in the car drove up behind a marked police car before
honking the horn.

A spokeswoman for the force said the officer, who was
busy dealing with another motorist, was not amused by
Mr Ward's "exuberance''.

She said: "It is an offence to sound your horn after
11:30pm. In this case, a traffic officer was dealing
with a motorist stopped on suspicion of drink-driving
when a car drove up behind the patrol car, which had
its blue light flashing, repeatedly sounding their
horn.

"They were given a warning about their conduct."

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

A married couple in New York's "Little Italy" went to their Priest
to discuss birth control, since they already had five children.

The husband inquired if perhaps oral sex would be an acceptable
substitute in the eyes of the Church.

The Priest explained that it was still considered a perverted act
and a sin; totally banned according to their faith.

The wife spoke up fuming, "Look Father, you no play-a da game,
you no make-a da rules."

���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------���

[||||] J U S T K I D D I N G [||||]

Dub's spin chief Ari Fleischer dismissed a comment by the Canadian PM's
press chieftess labeling Bush "a moron" as "something from someone who
doesn't speak for the Canadian Government." (LAD/11/23)

Just for all Americans who think.

Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

An American woman of 40 wants to
get married, but she is only willing
to marry a man if he has never been
with a woman.

After several unsuccessful years of
searching, she decides to take out a
personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man
who has lived his entire life in the
Australian outback.

They end up getting married. On their
wedding night, she goes into the bathroom
to prepare for the festivities. When she
returns to the bedroom, she finds her new
husband standing in the middle of the room,
naked and all the furniture from the room
piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says,
"but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna
need all the room I can get."

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���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Odds 'n Ends...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1126 ">Click Here </a>
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The Stinker...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1125 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1125

���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------���

A Philadelphia high school teacher who authorities
say held up a Mount Laurel bank where he was a
customer has been arrested and charged with armed
bank robbery.

Alvin Jumpp, 51, who teaches history at Audenried
High School in South Philadelphia, is accused of
masking his face and robbing the Farmers & Mechanics
Bank on Church Road on April 21, authorities said.

But, they said, he couldn't mask his voice.

A teller accosted during the holdup found the "low
and raspy" voice that was giving the orders familiar,
said Sandra Carroll, an FBI special agent and spokes-
woman for the New Jersey FBI office.

According to the teller, a man in a black hooded sweat-
shirt and a white gauze mask waved a handgun wrapped in
paper or plastic. "Hold your hands up and don't move,"
he said.

Two of the tellers were given bags and told: "You have
10 seconds." The man ran away with more than $10,000.

One teller said the robber sounded like someone she had
waited on in the past. Jumpp, who lives in Mount Laurel,
also matched the robber's height and build, Carroll said.

During the week after the holdup, two large deposits were
made to Jumpp's Farmers & Mechanics Bank accounts at
branches in Willingboro and Cinnaminson, Carroll said.
The deposits included marked bills from the robbery, she
said.

In the $802 that was deposited in Jumpp's account on Thursday
were "seven out of 10 prerecorded bait bills," part of the
loot taken the previous Sunday, Carroll said.

Investigators also learned that Jumpp's house, on St. David
Drive, was scheduled for auction for $2,650 in delinquent
taxes. The money was paid the day after the robbery by Jumpp,
who even put down an additional $500 toward the next quarter's
payment, Carroll said.

Jumpp was arrested at his house Monday morning while putting
out the trash. A mask and other items similar to those used
during the robbery were found inside his home, Carroll said.

When told of the arrest, Audenried High principal Millage
Holloway said: "I'm shocked. That's my employee. This is really
a shocker."

Jumpp's wife, Deborah Jumpp, is principal at Dimner Beeber
Middle School in the Overbrook section of Philadelphia,
according to district records.

���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���

What's the best way to catch Dolly Parton in the woods?

Use a booby trap!

���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------���

This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers

Good Thing His Name's Not John Smith

When I was growing up, I thought I was the only Erik Deckers on Earth
(my friends and family hoped for the same).

But a few years ago, while Internet "ego surfing" (looking for one's
name on search engines), I made a startling discovery: I'm the only Erik
Deckers in America, but I'm NOT the only one on the planet. As far as I
know, there's only one other -- a 49-year-old real estate agent in
Brussels, Belgium.

I've emailed my namesake a few times, and we've exchanged pleasantries,
family history, and I've promised to stop using his credit card at
Amazon.com.

Belgian Erik and I also realize it's not uncommon for two people with
unique names like ours to share them, and we've had a good laugh about
it. But we also drew up some ground rules: he promised not to write any
humor columns, and I promised not to sell any houses in Belgium.

However, Belgian Erik used to be a journalist, and I've had a few people
ask about this great little fixer-upper outside Brussels, so we may have
to reconsider our options.

But other people aren't so fortunate. In 1998, former basketball
superstar Kareem Abdul-Jabbar took issue with the name choice of Karim
Abdul-Jabbar, the Miami Dolphins' running back. So Kareem sued Karim,
claiming he took the name without permission, even though both men
changed their names as required by their Muslim faith.

In April 1998, the two Abdul-Jabbars settled the suit, and agreed that
Kareem held the commercial and merchandising trademark rights to the
name, while Karim would be known simply as "Abdul" for the same reason.
He later changed his name to Abdul-Karim al-Jabbar, but he's not playing
football anymore, so it doesn't matter.

But what if someone demands that you stop using your name altogether,
even though it was your name to begin with?

Bill Wyman, music reporter for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, is
being threatened with a lawsuit by Bill Wyman, former bassist for the
Rolling Stones.

Why? Because English musician Bill Wyman doesn't want to be confused
with American writer Bill Wyman.

"I must ask that you immediately cease and desist from authorizing or
permitting any such use of our client's name," said Howard Siegel,
English Bill Wyman's attorney, in a recent letter to American Bill
Wyman.

But something makes me think that despite his indignation, Siegel isn't
as concerned about this as he wants everyone to think. He doesn't seem
to care whether there are other Howard Siegels in the world. Or if he
is, he apparently hasn't threatened them with legal action.

Not that any of them could be confused with Howard Siegel the New York
lawyer. Not Rabbi Howard Siegel of Bellaire, Texas. Not Howard Siegel,
the realtor from Vernon Hills, Illinois. Not even Howard Siegel, the
Canadian regional theater actor/director.

There was also no indication whether English Bill Wyman is going after
other Bill Wymans either, like the Salon.com editor, or the ones who
live in Dallas, Denver, or Oshkosh, Wisconsin.

American Bill Wyman recently wrote about this ordeal in a
Journal-Constitution article, and the story has received worldwide
attention, nearly all of it in American Bill Wyman's favor.

In his column, American Bill Wyman reported that Siegel would allow him
to use his own name "if I could prove that I had come by it legally."

No problem. American Bill Wyman was born on January 11, 1961. English
Bill Wyman didn't change his name until 1964.

American Bill Wyman 1, English Bill Wyman 0.

Siegel also said that American Bill Wyman could continue to use his own
name if he added a disclaimer to everything he wrote "clearly indicating
that (you are) not the same Bill Wyman who was a member of the Rolling
Stones."

If I were American Bill Wyman I would require the same disclaimer of my
English counterpart, especially when it comes to any Bill Wyman and the
Rhythm Kings album.

What makes this demand so funny is that English Bill Wyman changed HIS
name. He was originally William George Perks. I would need an
overinflated sense of self-importance to demand that someone give up
their real name when mine was originally just a stage name.

With all the negative press coverage I've seen on this story, I think
English Bill Wyman should just quit while he's ahead. He may even want
to consider changing his name.

English Erik Deckers has a nice ring to it.

Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2002

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.

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