���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Ok...we're running a little behind today....well my wife says I have a little behind everyday but that is a different story! ;) Anyhooo...I am behind and this week is a short week....no issue on Friday due to my wife and I taking some personal time in Edmonton, Alberta...should be a fun trip...the first one we have ever taken without the family along! With Sept 11th under a month away...PLEASE send me any memories of Sept 11th for a special edition and webpage that will be published to mark the one year anniversary of this terrible day in US history: <a href="mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]";>Click</a> mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] Today's issue includes contributions by: Ishy, Rubin, Terri, Keli, Tex, Barb, Doug, Laura, Jack. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son Morris, the surgeon. The father says, "Son, think of it this way ... If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Freshly ground... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.615 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.615 The Meaning of life... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.616 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.616 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: Then you need Ezine Ad Auction- Register FREE and receive over $300.00 in BONUS items. Now you can buy and sell ezine ads in an auction setting- Pick up great deals daily! Go Now to http://www.EzineAdAuction.com ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Sam and Greg were sitting in a bar having a drink complaining about the heat, the cows and their wives. They weren't exactly the brightest guys, and neither were their comments. Everyday they said pretty much the same thing. And it always ended in a pissing contest over who had the worst wife. Today though something was different. There was a wise looking elderly Indian Chief sitting at the bar. They decided to ask him to decide, who had the worst wife. Sam complained that his wife was always arguing with him. No matter what he said, she always said the opposite. She didn't just say it either, she said it so loud that the neighbors complained. The old Chief listened attentively and then said, "If your wife was Indian, we would name her Fire-Water. Every time she opens her mouth she breathes fire and your knees turn to water." Greg said "My wife is so bad that we haven't hadn't had physical relations in darn near twenty years." The chief again listened attentively and pronounced Greg's wife as "Sleeping-Dragon. If you try to touch her while she is sleeping, she will become a dragon and bite your head off." Sam and Greg had a good laugh over their wives new names. Then Sam asked, "Okay, them Indian names are pretty cool, but.... Who has the worst wife?" The chief replied, "I do. My wife is Whumpo Havo Noja" Both Sam and Greg looked very confused, and so the chief explained, "That's my wife's Indian name, it translates in English to "Three-Old-Horses." More puzzled than ever before Sam asked, "Yeah, but what does it (Three-Old-Horses) mean? The chief sighed, took a sip of his beer and said , "Nag, Nag, Nag." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------��� If today is your birthday...you share it with: 195- Kavi Raz India, actor (VJ Kochar-St Elsewhere) 1951 Dan Fogelberg Peoria Ill, rocker (Same Auld Lang Syne) 1955 Betsy King LPGA golfer (1990 Dinah Shore, 1990 US Women's Open) 1958 Feargal Sharkey rocker (Undertones-Never Never, Good Heart) 1959 Danny Bonaduce actor (Danny-Partridge Family) (1959 approx) 1959 Mark Nevin rocker (Fairground Attraction-Find My Love) 1961 Dawnn Lewis actress (Jaleesa-Different World) 1961 Judy Croft Wife of the Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour 1963 Pamela Jean Stein Syracuse NY, playmate (Nov, 1987) 1963 Tigg Ketler Chula Vista Ca, drummer (Bang Tango-Dancin' on Coals) 1964 Ian Haughland heavy metal rocker (Europe-The Final Countdown) 1967 Quinn Cummings LA Calif, actress (Annie-Family, Goodbye Girl) .....and on this day in history: 1953 Pres Eisenhower establishes Govt Contract Compliance Committee 1960 Central African Republic & Chad proclaim independence from France 1961 Construction on Berlin Wall begins in East Germany (Dark day) 1963 Custom agents confiscate 21 gold coins from Witte Museum 1963 Warren Spahn sets left-hander strike out mark at 2,382 1969 Balt Oriole Jim Palmer no-hits Oakland A's, 8-0 1969 Temporary baseball commisioner Bowie Kuhn formally appointed 1971 Paul & Linda McCartney release "The Back Seat of My Car" 1977 1st test glide of the shuttle 1978 Yanks score 5 runs in top of 7th. but rain causes game to be halted & thus score goes back to previous inning, Balt wins 3-0 1979 Lou Brock gets his 3,000 career hit 1980 Tatyana Kazankina of USSR sets 1.5k woman's record (3:52.47) in USSR 1986 KRE-AM in Berkeley CA changes call letters to KBLX (now KBFN) 1988 Boston Red Sox win AL record 24 straight home games 1988 US beats Jamaicia 5-1, in 2nd round of 1990 world soccer cup 1988 Ronald J Dossenbach sets world record for pedaling across Canada from Vancouver, BC to Halifax, NS in 13 days, 15 hr, 4 min 1989 US space shuttle STS-28 lands �2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A young man who was virgin, finally proposed to his girlfriend of many months. However he was talking to his father about what he should do to consummate the marriage. He had heard he was suppose to have intercourse with his new wife but he never had intercourse before so he was really scared about this. His father, in plain language, explained to his son about everything that he was to expect during the action that will happen. In addition, I will take a room right next yours. If you have any problems, just yell it out and I will give an answer as to what to do. When the couple got to the room they put away their presents and there suitcases. A hatbox was placed by the bathroom door. There was a race to the bathroom and the son won. Yeah, you guessed it, it seems he was in there forever and the bride had to take a crap real bad. As she waited and walked, held her legs together; etc. she spied the hat box. She could not hold it any longer so she sat down and did it in the hat box. She yelled to her new husband to come out of the bathroom. And finally! He opened the door into a dark bedroom and stepped into the hatbox. He immediately yelled, "Hey, there's shit in this box !" From the next room they heard; "Turn her over son, turn her over !" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free! Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in addition to the BEST humour around...all without any ads at all! Guaranteed! <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� Lord of the Rings or Spy Kids II? Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "Beer is the proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." -Ben Franklin ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� The Advantages of Short Nudists <a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph12.html ">Click</a> http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph12.html Deer and Repair Crew <a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph14.html ">Click</a> http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph14.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Overheard in a bar: "First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose." "Oh no you're not," said Anni. "Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks." "Oh no you're not," said Anni. "Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks." "Oh no you're not," said Anni. "Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you." "Oh no you're not," said Anni. "And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy. "Oh yes you are!" said Anni. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� NOT outside... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.617 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.617 HuH!! WHat?? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.618 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.618 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Some time back, my cousin, Steve moved to a new apartment. Steve had a business commitment out of town that weekend and so I and my three brothers all chipped in to help his wife move the furniture. The new apartment was on the third floor. We hauled everything up the three flights of stairs and around the tight corner through the kitchen put them where they belonged. Finally, we came to the large couch. After hauling it up three flights to the top of the stairs, we discovered it would not go around the corner through the kitchen. We took it back out into the hall and turned it and tried again. It still wouldn't fit. Finally all of us boosted the couch from the back of the truck up the side of the building. From the third floor, we passed the couch up and over the railing of the tiny balcony and in through the sliding doors into the living room. We all cool- lapsed on the couch to catch our breath and made a pact that we would not tell Steve how we got the couch into the apart- ment. "The next time he moves," we conspired, "he will have to figure out how to get the couch out of there on his own. It will be our little secret. He will have to take a saw to it!" As luck would have it, Steve found a place he liked better about three months later. It really was a busy weekend at work, and none of us were available to help move. We waited eagerly to hear from Steve but there was nothing. Finally, after several days of waiting, I asked Steve, "So, did you get everything moved OK?" "Sure," he replied. "Did you run into any problems?" "No." "Now, wait a minute, we had to drag the couch up the outside of the building and haul it over the railing! How did you get it out of the living room? It didn't fit through the kitchen!" Steve looked at me with total disbelief and said "Geez, you idiots, the legs unscrew!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� From the creators of Oska and Tahni comes a brand new and fun creation...get him for FREE at: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/15.html ">TeeCee!</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board. I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over. "I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" she said, and hung up ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� "There probably aren't many Jewish girls dancing at Radio City Music Hall, but it doesn't take a Rockette Zionist to figure that one out." ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� Canada's TransCanada highway bears what distinction? A. Longest highway in the world B. Most expensive highway in the world C. Most plowed highway in the world D. Newest highway in the world --- President Abraham Lincoln made a great contribution to boating. What was it? A. He invented the first power boat. B. He invented a device to lift grounded boats off sandbars and shoals. C. He invented the foghorn. D. He invented a device to improve the range of lighthouses. <Answers in Next Issue!> Last Issue's Answers: What event in 1885 served to unite Canada? D. Completion of Canadian Pacific Railroad --- What was the original meaning of scuttle butt before it became the slang for gossip? A. The sailor's well, or source for fresh drinking water. � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� BillShit <a href=" http://www.pottedpenpals.com/subforma13mug7.html ">Click</a> http://www.pottedpenpals.com/subforma13mug7.html Make Up Works Wonders <a href=" http://www.pottedpenpals.com/subforma13mug8.html ">Click</a> http://www.pottedpenpals.com/subforma13mug8.html ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> Limerick Story: On the beach with neighbour's daughter Doing things we shouldn't oughter Policeman said "Hello, hello" You are going much too slow Go and do it in the water. So into the waves we went Till we both were truly spent Then we laid upon the sands With " each others " in our hands To make the most of this event. <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� Three animals in a bar was having a huge argument over who was the best. The first animal, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had hardly a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. No one in the jungle dared to challenge him, King of the Jungle. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature with his unique arsenal. As the three debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all; hawk, lion and stinker! ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� The Midol Song <a href=" http://ezinesetc.com/jj5.htm ">Click</a> http://ezinesetc.com/jj5.htm Armageddon <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/armageddon.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/armageddon.html ���-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------��� A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj The other dogs felt safer just sitting there in the cramped darkness but they followed Sam's lead and slowly began to unpile the debris on top of them. By memory, they made their way to the bulkhead door. Sam gave it a gentle push and was shocked when it creaked. One more sturdier push and the door slowly collapsed in pieces. The outside had no light but it was not dark. Not like it was during the night anyway. There was a bluish tint to everything as if someone had spilled ink on top of the sky. The dogs were so amazed by the color they didn't notice the fact that there were no trees. No trees standing or lying on the ground, there were just no trees period. "I've never seen anything like it" said Rex. "There are no lights anywhere" whispered Prince. The dogs slowly walked away from the basement. Their steps were hesitant as if they expected the ground to crumble and fall away as moved. Shep stopped and sat down. He refused to move with the rest of the group. Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you must help me. Every night I dream that I'm driving a truck from Pittsburgh to New York. I'm so tired I can hardly get up in the morning." The doctor says, "Tell you what. Next time you have this dream, just call me and I'll come over and drive the truck for you." The man tries it, and is cured. Another patient tells the doctor, "I have this same dream every night. I'm making love to four beautiful women, and by morning I'm totally exhausted. Can you help me?" The doctor says, "Tell you what, next time you have this dream, just call me and I'll come and take a couple of them off your hands." Two weeks later the man with the over sex problem goes back to the psychiatrist and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Now these women are bringing their friends, and they're all getting so demanding. I'm so tired I can barely get through the day. Can't you do something?" "You should have called me." the doctor replied. "I told you I'd take a couple of them off your hands." "But Doc," he said, "I've been calling you every night, and your service keeps telling me you're out driving a truck from Pittsburgh to New York." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Benefits of having Alzheimer's disease 5. You never have to watch reruns on television. 4. You are always meeting new people. 3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse. 2. You can hide your own Easter eggs. 1. Mysteries are always interesting. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� You Were Only Supposed To Transplant The Hair <a href=" http://www.pottedpenpals.com/subforma13mug9.html ">Click</a> http://www.pottedpenpals.com/subforma13mug9.html Long Lost Siblings Meet For The First Time <a href=" http://www.pottedpenpals.com/subforma13mug10.html ">Click</a> http://www.pottedpenpals.com/subforma13mug10.html ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� Police in North Carolina have arrested four men for watching a porn film in a car. Officers in High Point caught the men watching the film on a video system in a Lincoln Navigator. Police have charged the men with obscenity violations. One of the men says he can't understand why they were arrested. He says the film "wasn't nothing freaky " saying it just showed a "little bit of getting it on ". They face up to six months in prison if they're convicted. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� "Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of the sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes." The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?" "I push them away." "I see. What do you want me to do?" The patient implored. "Break my arms." ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] D O W N U N D E R B L U N D E R [||||] A Big Benville couple who booked their vacation on the internet and thought they were flying to Sydney, Australia discovered after they landed that they were in Sydney, Nova Scotia. (AP) Worse, their luggage was sent to Paris, Texas. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� <A Classic Little Johnnny!> One day the Sunday school teacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first. Susie said, "Your heart, 'cause you need it to love." Richie said, "Your head, 'cause you need it to think." Little Johnny raised his hand and the teacher called on him reluctantly. Little Johnny said, "Your feet." Confused, the teacher asked why. Johnny replied, "I was walking past my mom's room last night and she had her feet in the air and was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Never Pay for Condoms! Check out FreeCondoms.com... <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/5.html ">Click here</a> ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Following directions... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.619 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.619 Fixing the thing... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.620 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.620 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Taken from the July FHM Magazine True Stories: Two years ago I was working at a local video store when a guy in a Philadelphia Eagles jacket and a ski mask came in. He walked up to my register, pulled out a six-inch knife, and demanded the money. Thinking fast, I told him the register would open only if we had a membership card to scan -- a total lie. Even so, the idiot reached for his wallet and took out his card. I scanned it, handed him the money and watched smugly as he took off. After calling the cops and assuring the customers that I was fine, a guy walked in wearing the same Eagles jacket. Then he asked if he could use my phone because his car wouldn't start. After hearing his voice, the customer standing next to him knocked him out cold. The cops came and rushed the guy to the hospital, and we soon learned that we had the right man. We also learned that when the customer knocked him out, the robber collapsed onto the knife in his pocket, puncturing his left nut. If that's not justice, I don't know what is. ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� WIN Kim Burke's new book....just by entering the Paul's Fun House contest...one lucky winner will take home a personally signed copy of Kim's book "Incidents and Accidents For Frazzled Women"...you cannot win if you don't enter! It will take you less than 1 minute to do so and you can enter once each day: <a href=" http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com ">Click</a> http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com This Week's Laughing Stalk by Erik Deckers Of Course I Want Fries With That! Copyright 2002 I thought it was only a joke at first, but further research shows it to be completely true. A New York man is suing the four major fast food chains for his own obesity. You read that right. A guy blames his fatness on restaurants and NOT his own eating habits. He blames his high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, two heart attacks and unwillingness to accept personal responsibility for his own actions on the fact that he has been eating fast food four or five times a week since the 1950s. Caesar Barber, a 56 year old maintenance worker who apparently has the sense of a bag of hamburgers, says he thought fast food was healthy. "They said '100 percent beef.' I thought that meant it was good for you," the moron said in a Newsday interview. Apparently it never occurred to him that his diet lead to the 272 pounds he carries on his 5'10" frame. In fact, he claims that it wasn't until his first heart attack in 1996 that he realized his diet may have had something to do with his unhealthy weight gain. Where did he think it came from, the Fat Fairy? So Barber filed a lawsuit in the New York State Supreme Court to rake in an unspecified amount of money (translation: "it's gonna be in the millions, Ronald!") against the Big Four -- McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, and KFC. The suit will soon be super-sized into a class action suit on behalf of an unspecified number of other morons who didn't know greasy, high fat food was unhealthy. Experts predict this will be followed by lawsuits from people who didn't know loud music could hurt their ears, falling off tall buildings could kill them, or that sex causes pregnancy. How freakin' stupid do you have to be, to not realize that fast food is bad for you? How could you miss decades of health warnings against eating too much fatty food? How many times have we seen Richard Simmons sweat to the Oldies to think "Hmmm, maybe there's something to this whole exercise thing I've been hearing about since the '70s?" Many people, myself included, enjoy eating a good cheeseburger now and then. But I also know that it's not good for me, so I make up for it by drinking beer and watching TV. I also pride myself on being sympathetic toward other people's misfortunes, even if they brought it on themselves. I feel sorry for smokers suing the tobacco industry. I felt bad for the Canadian college student who died a couple years ago after pulling a pop machine over on himself trying to get a freebie. I even feel sorry for the stupid Belgian woman who was bitten by a jaguar on July 25 at the Antwerp Zoo after jumping into their enclosure to get a better picture. But I draw the line at some irresponsible idiot who thinks The Four Horsemen of High Cholesterol owe him a living because he missed the part about how junk food can kill you. "Those people in the advertisements don't really tell you what's in the food," he said in an Associated Press interview. "It's all fat, fat and more fat. Now I'm obese." No, now you're stupid. Of course the fast food advertisements don't tell you what's in the food. They barely have enough time to indoctrinate our kids about all the cheap plastic crap that comes with every kid's meal, let alone warn you about health risks everyone on the planet is already aware of. You're supposed to figure that stuff out for yourself, like any responsible adult. Any company trying to make a profit won't tell us a product is dangerous. It's like expecting car companies to say their product may result in speeding tickets, air pollution, and traffic accidents. Announcer: Don't bother with some panty-waisted salad or highfalutin' grilled chicken on whole wheat! When you're hankering for a high cholesterol hamburger and some high fat fries, choke it all down at Heartstopper Hal's, home of the Bypass Burger. We'll keep the defibrillator on for you! Barber's lawyer, Samuel Hirsch, is not much better. One would assume that the health risks of fast food is nothing new to him, yet he is doing anything he can to perpetuate this lunacy. Why? Because when the Big Four pony up their millions, Hirsch will be there like Hamburglar, rummaging his hands through Barber's Big-and-Tall pockets, demanding his share. Hirsch big complaint is that the restaurants don't list ingredients on their menus. He makes this complaint even though nearly every fast food restaurant has been providing nutritional information, including calories, cholesterol, and fat content for years. And I'd bet Hirsch's legal fees they're posted right by the cash registers at all of Barber's favorite restaurants. . . where he ate four or five times a week for nearly 50 years. However Hirsch won't let facts get in the way of a huge monetary settlement. "There is direct deception when someone omits telling people food digested is detrimental to their health," he told the Associated Press. Do these people live on Mars? Don't they have television? Haven't they been bombarded with Susan "Stop the Insanity!" Powter, Richard Simmons, Jared the Subway weight loss poster child, and every whacked-out food Nazi who attacks movie popcorn, Chinese food, and anything but Brussel Sprouts as being unhealthy? I can't swing a T-bone steak without hitting some nutritionist eager to tell me what red meat will do to my arteries, so how do a couple guys in New York miss all that? You can't go two days without hearing about some new study that says your favorite food is not only unhealthy, but your head will explode if you eat another bite. So why is it the fault of the Big Four when the other 296,999,9988 Americans realized a long time ago that fast food is unhealthy? In an attempt to excuse his irresponsibility, Barber is making it their fault for not saying "Hey tubby! Cut back on high fat foods, eat more vegetables, and exercise three times a week." In essence, Barber wants to blame his eating habits to the restaurants. And maybe he's right. Since he wants us to believe he's not mature or responsible enough to choose what or where he eats, he's also not mature enough to vote, drive a car, hold a job, or be seen in public. Just wrap him up in a diaper, plop him down in front of the TV, and let him hang out with Marlon Brando. I'm taking bets about who gets eaten first. -- Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at http://www.kconline.com/deckers. 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