���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! We Canucks, who value hockey much more than anything else including what our government had to say, were shocked yesterday to hear that after 17 years as host of Hockey Night In Canada, Ron MacLean and CBC couldn't come to terms and he has left the show. Now most Americans have probably never heard of MacLean...but that is your loss! He is one of the most humble and intelligent commentators ever! His knowledge of sports is incredible and his ability to keep you on top of what is going on is his greatest asset. That and his ability to tame Don Cherry every Saturday night in "Coach's Corner". Last night MacLean remained humble after it was announced that he was leaving HNIC...he says he is in shocked and he doesn't have a "plan B" in place. I just hope that someone at CBC will wake up and hear the public outcry...get MacLean back in the driver's seat before he is grabbed by someone down south! He is worth it...Ron, don't fret, you done good and we will miss you on Saturday, HNIC will not be the same without you! The "Win A Signed Copy Of Kim Burke's Book" contest is over...the winner will be announced soon! Watch your mailbox to see if it is you! Today's issue includes contributions by: Wayne, Rubin, The Posens, Gary, SunAmy, Keli, Aimee, Barb, Erik, Rubin, Kim. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: Did you hear about the gay guy who put a nicotine patch on his penis? He's down to three butts a week! ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� The BIG medal... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.66 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.66 The bloody Mary... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.118 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.118 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: ATTENTION PUREHUMOUR READERS: FREE Report, "How to Write A Book On Anything in 14 Days or Less! GUARANTEED! Fiction or Non, get an agent in 36 hours, blueprint your entire book in 2-hours, create 'technologies' no one else has, buy a best-selling plot for 75 cents, create a non- stop client magnet, create demand for your book without ever leaving home, get an editor FREE, and much more! <a href=" http://www.writeabooknow.com/welcome/write1928now ">Click</a> http://www.writeabooknow.com/welcome/write1928now ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� [A Classic!] A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked. "It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature." "Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry,... You've had two warnings!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------��� If today is your birthday...you share it with: 1945 Donny Hathaway Chicago, singer/songwriter (Where is the Love) 1945 Rod Carew baseball slugger (AL Rookie of the Year 1967) 1946 Eva Klobukowska Poland, relay (Olympic-gold-1964) 1947 Stephen Collins Des Moines Iowa, actor (Star Trek I, Tattingers) 1948 Ellen McIlwaine Nashville, blues singer (Honky Tonky Angel) 1949 Annie Leibovitz photographer (Rolling Stones) 1950 Randy Quaid Houston Tx, actor (Midnight Express, Vacation, SNL) 1953 Greta Waitz Norway, marathon runner (NYC) 1960 Elizabeth Dennehy actress (Guiding Light) 1962 Trevor Baxter record holder for high jumping with a skateboard 1963 Beth Chamberlin Danville Vt, actress (Beth Spaulding-Guiding Light) 1963 Mark McGwire Oakland A's (AL rookie of year 1988) 1968 Jay Underwood actor (The Boy Who Could Fly) .....and on this day in history: 1950 Phillies win NL pennant on last day of season (10th inning HR) 1951 1st treaty signed by woman ambassador-Eugenie Anderson 1951 24th Infantry Regiment, last all-black military unit, deactivated 1952 1st ultra high frequency (UHF) television station, Portland Or 1953 Indian state of Andhra Pradesh partitioned from Madras 1954 British colony of Nigeria becomes a federation 1955 "Honeymooners" premieres 1956 Johnny Heckmann rides 7 winners at Chicago Hawthorne Horse track 1957 B-52 bombers begin full-time flying alert in case of USSR attack 1958 Britain transfers Christmas Island (south of Java) to Australia 1958 Inauguration of NASA 1958 Vanguard Project transferred from military to NASA 1959 1st World Series (World Series #56) since 1948 not to feature a NY team (LA vs Chic) 1960 Nigeria gains independence from Britain (National Day) 1961 A believed extinct volcanco erupts in Tristan da Cunha 1961 East & West Cameroon merge as Federal Republic of Cameroon 1961 Roger Maris sets record of 61 HRs, last off of Tracy Stallard 1962 Barbra Streisand signs her 1st recording contract (with Columbia) 1962 Brian Epstein signs a contract to manage the Beatles through 1977 1962 James Meredith became 1st black at U of Mississippi 1962 Johnny Carson hosts his 1st Tonight Show, Joan Crawford guests 1962 The Lucy Show premiers 1962 US National Radio Astronomy Obs gets a 300' (91m) radio telescope 1963 Nigeria becomes a republic within the Commonwealth 1964 Free Speech Movement launched at U of California, Berkley 1964 SF cable cars declared a national landmark 1968 "Night of the Living Dead" premieres in Pittsburgh 1969 Guernsey & Jersey begin issuing their own postage stamps 1970 Last game at Philadelphia's Connie Mack Stadium, Phils-2 Expos-1 1971 Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida opens 1972 1st games of the World Hockey Association 1973 Leo Durocher resigns as Houston Astro manager 1975 Britain grants internal self-government to Seychelles 1975 Ellice Islands split from Gilbert Islands, take name "Tuvalu" 1975 Reunion Island stops prints stamps, France takes over production 1977 Brazilian soccer great Pele' retires with 1,281 goals in 1,363 games 1977 Yanks win 2nd consecutive AL East title 1978 Tuvalu (Ellice Islands) gains independence from Britain 1978 Yanks lose 9-2 to Indians forcing a playoff game with Red Sox 1979 US returns Canal Zone to Panama after 75 years (but not the canal) 1980 Cosmonauts Ryumin & Popov break space endurance record of 176 days 1982 EPCOT Center opens in Orlando Florida 1982 West Germany's Parliament ousts chancellor Helmut Schmidt 1984 Gary Trudeau's Doonesbury comic strip resumes after 2-year hiatus 1984 Peter Ueberroth replaces Bowie Kuhn as 6th commissioner of baseball 1986 President Carter's presidential library/museum dedicated in Atlanta 1987 6 killed by an earthquake measuring 6.1 in LA 1988 Lowest batting avg for NL champion (Tony Gwynn .313) 1988 Robert Englund the actor who plays Freddie Kruger weds Nancy Booth 1989 Dallas Cowboy, Ed "Too Tall" Jones records his 1,000th NFL tackle 1989 Thousands of East Germans flee to West Germany 1989 US issues a stamp, labeling an apatosaurus as a brontosaurus 1990 Pres Bush at the UN, condemns Iraq's takeover of Kuwait 1991 Howard Stern adds Baltimore to his radio network (WJFK-AM) �2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A psychology student was to help a professor in conducting a personality test. The room was set up with various props in order to move through the assessment quickly. The first person to enter the room started through the test. "How does this glass of water look to you?" Person 1: It is half empty. Student writes 'pessimist' in his report. Person 2 enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?" Person 2: It is half full. Student writes 'optimist' in his report. Person 3 enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?" Person 3: Looks like you have twice as much glass as you need there. The student looks totally blank and goes to consult with the professor. "Oh them!", the professor says, "I forgot to warn you about the engineers! They have no personality." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free! Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in addition to the BEST humour around...all without any ads at all! Guaranteed! <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� Shop till you drop! Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal." -Henry Ford ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Hot Dog Anyone? <a href=" http://www.comedyezine.com/sasha7.htm ">Click</a> http://www.comedyezine.com/sasha7.htm Chains Required <a href=" http://www.comedyezine.com/sasha11.htm ">Click</a> http://www.comedyezine.com/sasha11.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� One day John complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go see a doctor." His friend says, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it, and it only costs $10." John figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with urine and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the ten bucks. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: �You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy labor. �You will heal in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from the dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the ten bucks. The machine made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis: �Your tap water is too hard. Get a softener. �Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. �Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehab clinic. �Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. �AND if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never heal. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Getting the genetics just righ <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.126 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.126 Talk about a Dick... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.134 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.134 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� James was just coming out of anaesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and Wendy, his wife, was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful." Flattered, Wendy continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, James woke up and said, "You're cute." "What happened to 'beautiful?'" Wendy asked. "The drugs are wearing off," James replied. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� From the creators of Oska and Tahni comes a brand new and fun creation...get him for FREE at: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/15.html ">TeeCee!</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Some time ago, President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse. By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened. As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice, "Sack my cook." And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred. ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� Another testament to the Hispanic influence on America's history is the number of place names derived from the Spanish language. Which U.S. state name is NOT derived from Spanish? A. Arizona B. Colorado C. Connecticut D. Montana <Answers in Next Issue!> Last Issue's Answers: 29/09 Where is the International Clown Hall of Fame? A. Milwaukee, Wisconsin � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Go To Gap To Buy A Pair of Pants Male/Female Versions <a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/gap.htm ">Click</a> http://www.footlonghotdog.net/gap.htm SuperDogs <a href=" http://roseys.net/jillsprog18.htm ">Click</a> http://roseys.net/jillsprog18.htm ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> "Can I have a cigarette?" Keli asked. "I thought you quit smoking," Wendy said "I'm in the process of quitting," Keli said. "Right now I am in the middle of phase one." "What's phase one?" Wendy asked. "I've quit buying," Keli replied. <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------��� In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the past! Oct 1 1999 <a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m311.html ">Click</a> http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m311.html ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� The hospital orderly was mopping up some spilled food from the floor of a patient's room. The patient noted that food had also spilled on the sheets and said to the orderly, "I'll wager you can locate some clean sheets for me as well." The orderly didn't wish to seem unwilling, but still offered a plausible excuse for not being able to satisfy the patient. What did he say? I'm not a bedding man ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Adult Memory Game <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/admem.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/admem.html Adult JigSaw Puzzle <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jigsaw.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jigsaw.html ���-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------��� A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj As casually as they could the dogs milled around and then turned towards the unknown animal. He wasn't trying but once again Sam led the way. They started off strolling but it became more of a brisk walk. The mysterious animal, first seemed unfazed. It pawed at the dirt and sniffed each pebble after it moved. Suddenly it realized the dogs the were heading it's way, it froze in position and just stared at the pack. At about 50 feet the dogs knew it wasn't an another dog. As if it acted on a signal from an unknown source the animal bolted. At top speed it ran away. The dogs instinctively broke into a full run and the chase was on. "Look at the way it runs. That's a cat"! Yelled Rex. Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� One day a boy and his grandparents came to visit the 150-year-old church, a national landmark, where I was working one summer. As they toured the church, the grandfather was explaining some of the features, and the boy listened attentively. Then they reached the confessional in the back. "I know what this is!" the boy said excitedly, turning to his grandfather. "This is time out, isn't it?" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The Top 10 TV Shows About Sex 10 Boston Pubic 9 James at 15" 8 Malcom and the Diddle 7 Mad About Ewe 6 Suddenly Spoogin' 5 G*A*S*H 4 The Golden Shower Girls 3 8 Simple Rules for Banging My Slutty Daughter 2 Spongebob Tentpants 1 Porkin' Mindy ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Suck This <a href=" http://roseys.net/jillsprog15.htm ">Click</a> http://roseys.net/jillsprog15.htm If Dads Raised The Kids <a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/dadmom.htm ">Click</a> http://www.footlonghotdog.net/dadmom.htm ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A lawyer representing a couple accused of taking part in three-way sex on a train says they were helping road safety. Vincent Siccardi says Lyle Greene and his wife Francine should be praised for taking the train instead of driving while drunk. Mr Siccardi told the New York Post: "Here are two responsible people. "They were at a party. They were drinking. It shows that they are responsible. If more people did that, we'd have fewer problems on the road." The paper says Lyle Greene, 41, Francine, 40, and Greene's brother Dennis, also 40, are accused of having sex in public on the train. The offence was allegedly committed in a triple seat on the 6:05am Long Island Rail Road train from Penn Station on September 22. The prosecution says Dennis Greene was having sex with his sister-in-law and that his brother was receiving oral sex from his wife at the same time. But Dennis Greene's lawyer Michael Montesano said his client was asleep at the time he was supposed to have been having sex. The public lewdness case was adjourned until October 16. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A man bought a parrot. It sat in its cage all day saying, "Cracker want a polly. Cracker want a polly." The man's friend heard the bird and said, "That bird is really stupid!" The owner said, "No, his name's Cracker, and he's very lonely." ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] M I S S E D C O N G E N I A L I T Y [||||] For the first time in its storied 52 year history, a reigning Miss Universe has been canned after only four months of pearly flashing. (USA Today) Pageant officials learned that Miss Russia, Oxana Federova, was harboring plans to invade Miss Iraq. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything." Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch. He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass." Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Never Pay for Condoms! Check out FreeCondoms.com... <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/5.html ">Click here</a> ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� and learn it well... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.138 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.138 Elephant Enema. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.142 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.142 ���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------��� The manager of a restaurant near Greenbriar Mall made a gruesome discovery when he arrived at work, the body of a man dangling from a ceiling duct. Atlanta police believe the man was trying to break into the Caribbean Soul Cuisine restaurant and suffocated when he became stuck in the ventilation duct, said Atlanta homicide Sgt. Willie R. Jackson. The manager of the restaurant saw the man's legs hanging from the duct when he entered the business at 6:50 a.m., Jackson said. His body was carried down a ladder from the roof by firefighters shortly before 9 a.m., and taken for an autopsy to determine the cause of death and how long the man had been dead. "We believe it was an attempted burglary. It appears he ... got wedged in the duct, which was a little too small for him," Jackson added. Investigators have not determined how long the Jones had been in the vent but he apparently lived near the restaurant. "People do strange things in this day and time, and there must have been something in there he wanted bad enough," Jackson said. ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Why can't lesbians wear makeup and go on a diet at the same time? Because it's hard to eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� This Week's Laughing Stalk by Erik Deckers Stop, Or My GI Joe Will Shoot! Owing to recent international events, airports around the world have tightened security, making sure planes and passengers are safe from terrorists and hijackers. As a result, many people have been caught carrying things they shouldn't onto the plane. I was flying out of Chicago last November, the same day they caught a Nepalese man trying to sneak seven knives, a stun gun, and pepper spray onto a United Airlines flight. They found these during a random baggage search AFTER security personnel confiscated two other knives from the man a few minutes earlier. Understandably, US Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta was upset, and said "The O'Hare failure was a case of dramatic dimensions." He then reminded reporters that his name was Norman, not Leon, and referred them to the Department of Transportation's website at www.dot.gov for further proof. After Mineta's blistering attack on the basic incompetence of United Airline's screeners, the government cracked down and came up with their own version of Zero Tolerance. However, as I've discussed in previous columns, Zero Tolerance equals zero sense. Why? Because airport screeners aren't given the flexibility in allowing certain items on airplanes, because they're placed on a hastily-written list. Take the recent "ribbon-cutting" ceremony at Pittsburgh International Airport, where officials were unveiling a replica of a Tyrannosaurus Rex at the terminal. Why someone would have a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a dinosaur is beyond me, but that's their choice. So, what did the proud dinosaur-unveiling officials do? They tore the ribbon, of course. What else can you do when scissors have been placed on the government's Axis of Evil Weapons list? So what else is on the Axis of Evil Weapons list? Understandably, knives and guns are on it, as are golf clubs, crowbars, power saws, and cattle prods. And so are replicas of knives and guns, including toy replicas. That is, even if it's a toy gun, it has to be confiscated. Or so says Millie Swatloski, a representative of Global Security. Her company provides security at the Central Wisconsin Airport in Mosinee, Wisconsin. They confiscated a GI Joe and his four-inch rifle from 9-year-old Ryan Scott in early August, and threatened to destroy the toys. Why? To prevent them from falling into the hands of tiny terrorists, of course. "(The list) says toy gun and that's a toy gun," Swatloski told Gannett Wisconsin Newspapers. She would not comment further however, afraid that she might self-destruct like the robots on Star Trek after being exposed to Captain Kirk's infamous circular logic. But don't think this is an isolated incident. It happened at Los Angeles International Airport a few days before the Wisconsin incident -- a toy gun being confiscated, that is, not an airport screener's head exploding. British tourist Judy Powell bought a GI Joe doll for her grandson and packed it into her carry-on baggage. Screeners found the action figure's two-inch rifle during an X-ray scan of her bags and confiscated the toy. A spokesman for LAX told reporters, "We have instructions to confiscate anything that looks like a weapon or a replica. If GI Joe was carrying a replica then it had to be taken from him." The spokesman would not confirm or deny rumors that screeners would begin amputating the index finger and thumb from any kids who play "Cops and Robbers" at US airports. In addition to keeping us safe from tiny military action figures, European screeners are also keeping us safe from athletic equipment, while apparently letting the gun and knife thing slide. Specifically, tennis rackets are considered dangerous weapons by Scottish airport screeners, as 9-year-old Kester Black discovered on September 10th. His racket was confiscated by Glasgow Airport screeners as he prepared to board a flight to Spain, because they believed it could be used as a dangerous weapon. This brought a sigh of relief to passengers who had a fear of being hijacked by Pete Sampras. "Don't anyone move, or I'll lob this woman's head into first class!" Feel safer yet? Don't. These same Glasgow screeners managed to let a man through with a set of kitchen knives and an eight-inch meat cleaver, as well as a reporter using an identity card with the same name as one of the September 11th hijackers (authorities were surprised that the man was able to carry a fully-grown newspaper reporter in his baggage until it was pointed out that the reporter with the ID card was actually an entirely different incident). This means while the odds of you getting filleted on a Scottish airline are greatly increased, the odds of getting "waffle butt" from a tennis racket are minuscule. But in a stunning development Black, who was told his ersatz air guitar was a dangerous weapon, managed to carry a .45 pistol that fired ball bearings through three airport security checks on the return trip. Screeners in Madrid, Spain, London's Heathrow Airport and the Glasgow Airport all missed the weapon in Black's jacket pocket. A Glasgow Airport spokeswoman pointed the finger of blame at the Spanish screeners, but no one bought it, especially since she implied the Heathrow screeners were at fault as well. "The screening is the the responsibility of the point of departure. This is a matter for the airport at that end," she told reporters, who most likely rolled their eyes. But before anyone accuses me of painting a bleak picture of air security, let me say that not all screeners are doing a bad job. In fact, New York screeners are keeping us safe from the dangers of human breast milk. In a story in the August 8 issue of the New York Post, guards at JFK International Airport forced Elizabeth McGarry to drink her own breast milk to prove that it wasn't dangerous. She was carrying three bottles of milk, and her infant daughter, on a flight to Florida. When she initially offered to dab some on her arm and lick it off, the guard told her she had to drink from all three bottles, or would not be allowed on the plane. "It was very uncomfortable and very embarrassing and very disgusting," McGarry said of the experience, forgetting that her infant daughter drinks the same milk. McGarry is currently considering a legal suit over the matter. I realize the airline industry is facing some financial difficulties, since they have to bear some of the cost of airport security. I also realize new security measures will cost hundreds of millions of dollars, but I don't think I'm being unreasonable to expect them to hire screeners with more common sense than a dead frog. Not that it would do any good, since dead frogs are on the list too. Laughing Stalk Syndicate Copyright 2002 -- Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at http://www.kconline.com/deckers. Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! 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