���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop receiving these mailings then please visit: <a href=" http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com/purehumour.html ">Click</a> You know I always have a great respect for people that do things above and beyond the call of duty. People that risk their lives for the sake of others...but there is a Marine (or so he says) in the US who keeps sending me harrassing emails! Every time I run a humour piece about George W. Bush...he gets pissed off and sends me a nasty email...the worst thing is that he wants ME to take him off the list...even though if he could read he would find it very easy to do himself! Just makes me wonder...how did he get in the Marines anyhow? You have to really feel for the residents of Washington DC and Maryland right now...what the hell is wrong with people who suddenly do things that are so out of the norm that no one can figure it out? This sniper has taken hunting to a new level...and the people are running scared...lets hope that they can figure it out pretty quick and get this guy off the streets! Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Jack, Keli, Barb, Nevanish, SunAmy, Terri, Barbara. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: What do you call three hundred religious singers drinking diet cola and eating fruit? The Mormon Tab-and-Apple Choir. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Not a good idea... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.12 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.12 New escape route... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.84 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.84 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: ATTENTION PUREHUMOUR READERS: FREE Report, "How to Write A Book On Anything in 14 Days or Less! GUARANTEED! Fiction or Non, get an agent in 36 hours, blueprint your entire book in 2-hours, create 'technologies' no one else has, buy a best-selling plot for 75 cents, create a non- stop client magnet, create demand for your book without ever leaving home, get an editor FREE, and much more! <a href=" http://www.writeabooknow.com/welcome/write1928now ">Click</a> http://www.writeabooknow.com/welcome/write1928now ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� [A Classic!] Anni and Wendy rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. On this particular day they caught over 50 fish. Anni turned to Wendy said, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here tomorrow." The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, Anni said, "You did you mark the spot, right?" Wendy replied, "Yeah, I painted a big X on the bottom of the boat." Anni said, "You fool! What if we don't get that same boat today?" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------��� If today is your birthday...you share it with: 1941 Jesse Jackson (D) clergyman/presidential candidate 1943 Chevy Chase NYC, comedian/actor (SNL, Vacation, Fletch, Caddyshack) 1946 Aleksandr Gorshlov ice dancer (holds 6 titles) 1948 Sarah Purcell Richmond Ind, actress/TV hostess (Real People) 1949 Sigourney [Susan Alexandra] Weaver LA, actress (Alien, Working Girl) 1950 Robert "Kool" Bell rocker (Kool & the Gang-Joanna) 1951 Johnny Ramone LI, rock guitarist (Road to Ruin) 1955 Bill Elliott auto racer (Daytona-1978) 1956 Scott Michael Pellaton barefoot water ski champ 1956 Stephanie Zimbalist NYC, actress (Remington Steele, Centennial) 1957 James DePaiva actor (Max-One Life to Live) 1959 Tony Eason football quarterback (New England Patriots) 1979 [Gregory] Chad Petree Shawne Okla, rocker (PC Quest-Can You See) .....and on this day in history: 1951 Ford C Frick replaces Happy Chandler as 3rd commissioner of baseball 1951 Warren C Giles becomes president of baseball's National League 1952 2 trains collide with a derailed commuter train, kills 112 (England) 1955 Worlds most powerful aircraft carrier, Saratoga (US), launched 1956 Don Larsen, NY, pitches only perfect world series game, vs Brooklyn (World Series #53) 1957 Brooklyn Dodgers announce move to Los Angeles 1957 Turkish & Syrian border guards exchange fire 1959 LA Dodgers beat Chicago White Sox, 4 games to 2 in 56th World Series 1960 Bobby Richarson hits a world series grand slammer (World Series #57) 1962 Algeria admitted as 109th member of the UN 1962 N Korea reports 100% election turnout, 100% vote for Workers' Party 1963 Sultan of Zanzibar cedes his mainland possessions to Kenya 1964 Gilroy Roberts becomes 1st US chief engraver to retire (than die) 1964 Ringo Starr takes & passes his driving test 1966 Wyoming's Jerry DePoyster kicks 3 field goals over 50 yds (54, 54, 52) 1970 Soviet author Alexander I Solzhenitsyn awarded Nobel Prize for Lit 1971 John Lennon releases his megahit "Imagine" 1977 Largest baseball crowd in Penns, 64,924 see Dodgers beat Phillies 4-1 in 4th NL championship game (Dodgers win pennant) 1978 Ken Warby set the world water speed record at 319.627 mph 1978 Kenneth Warby sets world speed record on water (514 kph) 1978 Yanks win 3rd straight AL Championship, all against Kansas City 1981 USAC appeals panel restores disputed Indy 500 victory to Al Unser 1981 Pres Reagan greeted predecessors Jimmy Carter, Gerald R Ford & Richard Nixon before sending them to Egypt for Anwar Sadat's funeral 1982 NJ Devils 1st victory, beating NY Rangers 3-2 at the Meadowlands 1982 Poland bans Solidarity 1983 1st regular season Islander OT game beat Caps 8-7 1983 Washington Capitals 1st NHL overtime game losing to NY Islanders 8-7 1986 Mike Scott ties playoff record of 14 strikeouts, beats Mets 1-0 1988 Fire in Seattle's Space Needle causes evacuation, $2,000 damage 1990 Israeli police kill 17 Palestinian rioters 1990 US doctors Joseph E Murray & E Donnall Thomas win Nobel Prize �2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot. When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?" To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free! Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in addition to the BEST humour around...all without any ads at all! Guaranteed! <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� Just a question of money! Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it." -Pablo Picasso ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Error Document <a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/errordoc.htm ">Click</a> http://www.footlonghotdog.net/errordoc.htm Santa Got It Covered <a href=" http://ninasplace.com/007.htm ">Click</a> http://ninasplace.com/007.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� One of those physical fitness club franchises was preparing to enter the international market. They placed ads in newspapers all over the county for people who could represent them on a tour. The ad said: " We're looking for five men in peak physical condition. Must be able to speak Spanish, French, Chinese, or Japanese. Must be knowledgeable about weights, aerobics, and at least two major sports." The day after the ad appeared, a heavy old man of about 70 appeared in the offices of the fitness club. "I'm here about the ad," John said. The bronzed Adonis behind the desk looked surprised, but decided to be polite. "Do you speak Spanish or French?" he asked John. "Nope," John said. "Chinese? Japanese?" "No, both times." "Know anything about weights or aerobic exercises?" "Only that I wouldn't be caught dead with either one." "How about sports?" "I've never played anything more athletic than checkers." "I see," the young man said. "Tell me something. So why did you come here?" "To tell you personally....to count me out!" ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� The perfect mate. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.140 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.140 They won the lotto... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.148 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.148 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Venanzio and Lorenzo were sitting on a bench in a New York park. "Hey," said Venanzio, "do you likea biga fat woman with a longa straggley hair?" "No, I'ma no likea dat" replied Lorenzo. "Den, you likea da woman with a garlic comin' from her mouth alla da time?" inquired Venanzio. "Nope, I'ma no like dat kinda either!" said Lorenzo. "You musta likea da woman with a big, thicka hips anna varicose veins, no?" asks Venanzio. "Notta me!" answered Lorenzo. "Den whya you keepa screwin' my wife?" Venanzio asked. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� From the creators of Oska and Tahni comes a brand new and fun creation...get him for FREE at: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/15.html ">TeeCee!</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� New medications approved by the FDA: St. Mom's Wort: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. Empty Nestrogen: Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. Peptobimbo: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. Dumerol: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music. Flipitor: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. Antiboyotics: When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up. Menicillin: Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?" Buyagra: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-One-all: When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura JackAsspirin: Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. Anti-talksident: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. Ragamet: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. NOTICE: Always consult your family physician before taking new medication. ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� Which well-known singer can claim Hispanic heritage? A. Joan Baez B. Jos� Carreras C. Gloria Estefan D. All of the above <Answers in Next Issue!> 06/10 Last Issue's Answers: Not surprisingly, a number of American can trace their Hispanic routes back to Mexico. However, what is the next largest group? A. Puerto Rico � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Fishing With The Dog <a href=" http://ninasplace.com/008.htm ">Click</a> http://ninasplace.com/008.htm A Computer For Women?? <a href=" http://www.humorcorner.com/dmp/pc4women.html ">Click</a> http://www.humorcorner.com/dmp/pc4women.html ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> [A Classic!] A pastor walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the town pastor, the room went dead silent. He walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why not?" the pastor asked. "Well, there is a statue of a naked woman in there, and her most private part is covered only by a fig leaf." "Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll just look the other way." So the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the pastor a loud round of applause. He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor. You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?" <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------��� In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the past! October 8th 1999: <a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m317.html ">Click</a> http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m317.html ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� A hot looker walked into a record store and told the clerk, "Do you have the latest from Nine Inch Nails?" The clerk ogled her, then said, "What I have is a splendid 8-inch wanker." The puzzled girl asked, "Is that a record?" The clerk proudly returned, "No, but its better than average." ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� If They Mated - Ted Turner & Bo Derek <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mated15.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mated15.html If They Mated - Kelly Clarkson & Justin Guarini <a href=" http://ninasplace.com/012.htm ">Click</a> http://ninasplace.com/012.htm ���-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------��� A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj With no mountains, hills, or trees the cat had nowhere to hide but it just kept running as pack stayed in hot pursuit. The dogs were becoming winded and couldn't stay in the chase for long. In the distance they could now see what appeared to be a small box. They were sure that's where the cat was headed. As they approached the cat's hiding spot the small box they saw was a white cardboard carton that looked like it was about to fall apart at any moment. Sam gave it a sniff and the other dogs followed suit. "Definitely cat." Sam whispered. "I'm just thrilled to smell anything." Barked Ralph. The pack listened intently but could hear nothing. They talked about whether or not they should move the box and uncover the cat. "We don't mean it any harm, it might be scared but we can calm it down." Reasoned Shep. Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A good looking woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it, and decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, undressed and was just about to dive in when the owner of the orchard appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited. "You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him. He replied, "Hey! Only swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't..." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A priest and a minister walked into a bar. After sitting down, ordering, and some chit chat the priest said, "Have you noticed there are no women in this bar?" He then realised the truth, "I think we're in a gay bar!" A man approached and tried to flirt with the priest. The priest was dumbfounded, and didn't know what to do. The minister leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear. The man nodded and walked off. The relieved priest said, "Thanks. What did you tell him?" The minister replied, "I just told him we're on our honeymoon." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Problem Flow Sheet <a href=" http://www.humorcorner.com/dmp/problem.html ">Click</a> http://www.humorcorner.com/dmp/problem.html Goal Of A Bitch <a href=" http://www.humorcorner.com/dmp/bitch.html ">Click</a> http://www.humorcorner.com/dmp/bitch.html ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� Firemen rushed to a restaurant in Belgium only to find they had been called out to deal with a wedding cake incident. Staff at the Three Kings restaurant in Beauvoorde, were lighting fireworks on the wedding cake when a spark caught one of the fire detectors, setting off the alarm at the fire station in nearby Veurne. Het Nieuwsblad reports staff at the restaurant said they were too busy with the cake to turn the alarm off. A restaurant spokesman said: "When the alarm starts we have only two minutes to turn it off . When we came to the alarm the two minutes had already passed and we couldn't turn it off." After apologising to the fire chief the restaurant manager offered the eight firemen a piece of the wedding cake to make up for wasting their time. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A guy found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it. The genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want." The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer. "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want." "As you wish," the genie replied and turned him into a toilet seat. ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] F O R E P L A Y D E L A Y [||||] The Big Apple's Museum of Sex on Fifth Avenue had to postpone its scheduled opening despite a week of orgasmic media hoopla. (LA Daily News) At the last minute, the box office gal came down with a headache. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read. So, when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks just, "XX". He started his own business, which soon prospered. He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz, I wanted to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years, you've been signing your checks, 'XX'; this one is signed with three XXX's..." Mr. Schwartz answered, "Since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Never Pay for Condoms! Check out FreeCondoms.com... <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/5.html ">Click here</a> ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� An a hippie carries the Torch. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.164 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.164 A pile of.... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.172 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.172 ���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------��� Some people get no-hassle checking after they open a bank account. Others get small prizes. Jesus Rodriguez got 33 months in prison. U.S. District Judge Solomon Oliver yesterday sentenced Rodriguez, 34, for drug and money laundering in a classic criminal screw-up. On Aug. 17, 1999, Rodriguez saw a news report that authorities had arrested several members of a Mexican drug cartel. Since Rodriguez, a Mexican national, had hauled more than 200 pounds of cocaine from Los Angeles to Cleveland, he panicked, fearing he was next. So, the next day, he lugged two shopping bags filled with $301,000 to Firstar Bank in Strongsville. To hide the money from police, he opened a checking account and two safety deposit boxes, prosecutors said. But before he left, he made a mistake: He told bank officials that he had no job. The bank became suspicious and called police, who followed Rodriguez. A week later, he withdrew the money from the bank. Soon after he got to his apartment in Strongsville, U.S. Customs agents knocked on the door. "Come on in," he told them. "I knew you guys were following me and would get me." Agents later found $100,000 more in the apartment. A federal judge last year gave the money, $456,000 in all, to police and federal agencies for future drug investigations. Oliver gave Rodriguez a break in the sentence because he cooperated with authorities involving two dealers. Rodriguez had pleaded guilty to the charges in 1999. But when the judge asked whether Rodriguez wanted to say anything before he was sentenced, he swayed back and forth and shook his head. The man of too many words at the bank couldn't find any in court. "No," he said softly. ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian? Vagitarian. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� This Week's Laughing Stalk by Erik Deckers Wait, You Mean That's Bad for You? A couple months ago, I wrote about Caesar Barber, the Brooklyn, New York maintenance worker who is suing McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, and KFC, claiming they didn't warn him that eating their food four or five times a week for four decades would make him fat. And you would hope that with all the jokes and shouts of "What an idiot!" echoing through the country, the other 297 million Americans would say, "Hmm, maybe I should take responsibility for my own actions." But you would be wrong. Thanks to Overlawyered.com for bringing an article to my attention, from the September 11 issue of the Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania Times-Leader. According to the Times-Leader, Wilkes-Barre resident Kathleen Ann McCormick is suing eight doctors at the Department of Veterans Affairs Medical Center, because they failed do anything to prevent the heart attack that has left her a "cardiac invalid." McCormick was in the hospital on several different occasions between 1997 and 2000 for different problems, and had several obvious risk factors for a heart attack. She says that despite her obesity, history of hard-core smoking, high cholesterol and blood pressure, as well as a family history of coronary disease, the doctors "did not do enough" to help her make any life-saving changes. According to the lawsuit, they didn't help her to eat less or stop smoking, or force her to take drugs to lower her cholesterol and blood pressure. In other words, no one said, "Lose weight and quit smoking, or you'll die." Not satisfied with dipping only into the pockets of the eight doctors named in the suit, she is also suing the US government, since it -- through the US Department of Veterans Affairs -- employed the doctors. And since she is house-bound and requires constant care, she is seeking $1 million. So where is McCormick's responsibility in this? If you follow her logic, nowhere. It's not her fault she's fat. It's not her fault she smokes too much. It's not her fault that her lifestyle lead to high blood pressure and high cholesterol. No, it's the doctors' fault, because they didn't make her stop. But shouldn't she bear some ("some," from the Greek meaning "absolutely, positively ALL of it") responsibility for her own unwillingness to make these life changes? By blaming the doctors, she is essentially saying that she did not know these things could lead to a heart problem. Instead, she thinks it was entirely up to the doctors to point these things out to her. Never mind there are graphic, bloodthirsty warnings on cigarette packs designed to make people quit smoking. Warning: The Surgeon General has determined that if you smoke, you will be attacked by pirates, and sharks will feast on your still-twitching corpse. And never mind that Richard Simmons has built a diet-and-fitness empire by weeping with former 800 pound people who Dealt-A-Meal down to a shocking 120 pounds. Richard: And so, Betty Ann, you're saying that thanks to Deal-A-Meal, you no longer have to travel by tractor-trailer? Betty Ann: *sniffle* That's right, Richard. Boo hoo hoo! Richard: WAAAAH. . . buy my latest video! Basically, she's saying she ignored thousands of experts, warnings, and news reports that we need to lead healthy lives to avoid heart problems, but she would have listened to the doctors. What did she expect them to do? Jam some medication down her throat? Give her a series of electroshock punishments in a drastic stop smoking campaign? Or would it have been enough if one of them had just said, "Hey, Kathleen, why don't you put out that cigarette and drop a few pounds, huh? We'd hate for you to have a heart attack or something. Haha!" I'm surprised the American Civil Liberties Union and privacy nerds haven't dropped on McCormick with Daisy Cutter-like thoroughness. By pushing the blame onto her doctors, the implication is that she no longer needs personal liberties either. In other words, since the doctors -- and by her argument, the government -- should have made her quit smoking, they can actually force her to stop. Since they should have told her to lose weight, they have the obligation to make her get a stomach staple. Is McCormick willing to give up her right to privacy just so Arnold Schwarzenegger can make sure she's exercising every day? Arnold: Hey, Lardo. You awen't wunning fahst enough. Wun fahster! Fahster, fahster, fahster!! Maybe I was asleep during my high school social studies class (actually I was), but I don't recall the line about "life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness" being followed by a disclaimer that says ". . . unless you eat like a pig and sit around all day." With the ACLU shrieking about any infringement on personal freedom, whether it's the Ten Commandments displayed at a county courthouse, or the words "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance, it's a wonder they haven't stubbed their cigarettes out on their triple cheeseburgers and screamed to the press that McCormick will set personal liberties back by 50 years. Or maybe I can sue Kathleen Ann McCormick for that myself. Laughing Stalk Syndicate Copyright 2002 -- Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at http://www.kconline.com/deckers. 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