���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop receiving these mailings then please visit: <a href=" http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com/purehumour.html ">Click</a> Well I took a week off because last week didn't have much humour in it...but it is time to move on again! And move on we have done! Last month I asked you to visit my archives to move us up on the list....when I made that request we were sitting at #218...yesterday the figures for August arrived and (get this) we have move up from #218 all the way to #136! A gain of 82 places in one month! So now the quest continues...I want Purehumour to be in the top 25 ... so please continue to visit the archive link that is provided in every issue...that one click alone per day could put us over the top... the full archive results are below: Top 25 eScribe archives for August 2002 (based on number of visits to archive) ----------------------------------------- 1. Atkins Diet (1) [47] http://www.eScribe.com/health/atkins/ 2. Al's Fastball (2) [39] http://www.eScribe.com/sports/alsfastball/ 3. Blue Hen Football (3) [8] http://www.eScribe.com/sports/bluehenfootballcom/ 4. BA Fluff (4) [9] http://www.eScribe.com/tv/bafluff/ 5. Music K-8 (14) [9] http://www.eScribe.com/education/mk8/ 6. CFAA Update (5) [26] http://www.eScribe.com/sports/football/cfaau/ 7. Keelynet (7) [34] http://www.eScribe.com/science/keelynet/ 8. Collecting Pens (8) [41] http://www.eScribe.com/collecting/pens/ 9. Trisomy-18 (6) [18] http://www.eScribe.com/health/trisomy18/ 10. archicad-talk (10) [14] http://www.eScribe.com/software/archicadtalk/ 11. REBOL (13) [7] http://www.eScribe.com/internet/rebol/ 12. Neat Net Tricks (9) [42] http://www.eScribe.com/computing/neatnettricks/ 13. Dodge Shelby (20) [27] http://www.eScribe.com/automotive/american/shelby/ 14. Nummy Treats (15) [18] http://www.eScribe.com/tv/nummytreats/ 15. Development Questions about the Palm Computing Platform (11) [29] http://www.eScribe.com/computing/pcpqa/ 16. Grand Vacation Members Club (12) [7] http://www.eScribe.com/travel/gvcm/ 17. Fly-UL (22) [37] http://www.eScribe.com/aviation/fly-ul/ 18. Leeds United (16) [2] http://www.eScribe.com/sports/football/leeds/ 19. Rosacea Support (19) [39] http://www.eScribe.com/health/rosacea-support/ 20. Bullseye Pistol (21) [7] http://www.eScribe.com/sports/bullseye/ 21. Adult Buffy Angel Fic (18) [22] http://www.eScribe.com/tv/abaf/ 22. Atkins Diet Recipes (na) [1] http://www.eScribe.com/health/atkins/ 23. The Silver List (na) [1] http://www.eScribe.com/health/thesilverlist/ 24. Bonehead Of The Day Award (25) [6] http://www.escribe.com/humor/bonehead/ 25. Contax (26) [11] http://www.eScribe.com/art/contax/ Your list's ranking: 136. Purehumour Jokelist (http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/) Other lists in this category: 24. Bonehead Of The Day Award (http://www.escribe.com/humor/bonehead/) 135. Cool-Jokes (http://www.escribe.com/humor/cool-jokes/) 242. Best of Humor (http://www.escribe.com/humor/bestof/) **368. Purehumour Talk (http://www.escribe.com/humor/purehumourtalk/) **376. Weird News Weekly (http://www.escribe.com/humor/wwn/) 408. Bruce H.G. Calder's Joke of the Day (http://www.escribe.com/humor/jokeoftheday/) 425. Daily-Humor (http://www.escribe.com/humor/dh/) 455. Dave's Daily Chuckle (http://www.escribe.com/humor/daily-chuckle/) 517. Joke-A-Day (http://www.escribe.com/humor/jokeaday/) 546. SE Jokelist (http://www.escribe.com/humor/sejokelist/) 582. Chris' Joke List (http://www.escribe.com/humor/cjl/) Today's issue includes contributions by: Hut, Rubin, Keli, Stan, Pat, Tara, Barb, Barbara, Ishy, Terri, John. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: A Man & Woman Were having Sex. The Man finished. The Woman said I didn't get off. The Man said I don't know why We both started at the same time. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Budda styles <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.966 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.966 Dysfunctional Germ Family.. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.967 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.967 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: LARGER BREASTS !!!!!!!! LONGER THICKER PENIS !!!!!! WINNING LOTTERY NUMBERS !!!!! A SHOPPING CART WITHOUT ONE WOBBLY WHEEL !!!! No, I can't promise you any of those things, but pick up a copy of "That's Comedy! on CD" and I will promise you plenty of giggles, a whole bunch of chuckles, many guffaws and the possibility that you may laugh so hard you'll pass an entire cheese sandwich through your nose. It makes a great gift. Order a copy today. Click the link for more info. <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/28.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/28.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� [This is too true!] A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates. The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected. He queries the first candidate: "What was your annual salary, and what was your profession? "I made $150,000 as an Attorney" comes the reply. "You may enter" says the Angel. Second candidate, same question. "I made $95,000, I was a realtor." He is also permitted to enter. Now it is the third man's turn. "My annual salary was $175." "Cool!" replies the Angel, "and what ezine did you publish?" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------��� If today is your birthday...you share it with: 1941 William Grut Sweden, penthathlete (Olympic-gold-1948) 1942 Beverly Aadland Hollywood Cal, Errol Flynn's last girlfriend 1942 Doris Brown US, 800m runner (Olympic-5th-1968) 1948 John Ritter Burbank Calif, actor (Jack-3's Company, Hooperman) 1955 Rita Rudner comedienne (Funny People) 1958 Daniel Nunez Cuba, weightlifter (Olympic-gold-1980) 1959 Hank Ilesic Edmonton, CFL punter, place kicker (Edmonton, Toronto) 1960 Terry Nihen Concord Mass, playmate (December, 1983) 1962 Dustin Nguyen actor (Harry-21 Jump Street) 1968 Suzy Cote Santa Barbara Calif, actress (Samantha-Guiding Light) .....and on this day in history: 1950 San Francisco 49ers (formerly AAFC) play 1st NFL game, lose 21-17 1952 "I am an American Day" & "Constituion Day" renamed "Citizenship Day" 1953 1st successful separation of Siamese twins 1953 Ernie Banks becomes Chicago Cubs 1st black player 1954 Heavyweight champ Rocky Marciano KOs Ezzard Charles in 8 1956 Black students enter Clay Ky elementary school 1956 Yanks clinch pennant #22 on Mantle's 50th homer of the year 1957 Scott Crossfield takes X-15 up for 1st powered flight 1957 2 male attorneys "stand in" as actress Sophia Loren & producer Carlo Ponti wed by proxy in Juarez, Mexico 1959 Transit 1A, 1st navigational satellite launched; failed to orbit 1959 Typhoon kills 2,000 in Japan & Korea 1961 Minnesota Vikings' 1st NFL game (beat Chicago Bears 37-13) 1962 US space officials announce selection of 9 new astronauts 1963 "The Fugitive" premiers on ABC TV 1963 Train struck makeshift bus full of migrant workers, killing 32 1964 "Bewitched" premiers on ABC TV 1964 Beatles are paid a then record $150,000 for a concert (Kansas) 1964 Mickey Mantle gets hits #1999, 2000 & 2001 1964 Supremes release "Baby Love" 1967 "Mission Impossible" premieres on CBS-TV 1967 Mount Washington cog railway train derails, kills 8 (NH) 1967 New Orleans Saints 1st NFL game, they lose to LA Rams 27-13 1968 Gaylord Perry (Giants) no-hits St Louis Cardinals, 1-0 1968 Zond 5 completes circumnavigation of the Moon 1972 "M*A*S*H," premiers on TV 1972 BART begins passenger service in SF 1974 Courageous (US) beats Southern Cross (Aust) in 23rd America's Cup 1975 Rollout of 1st space shuttle orbiter Enterprise (OV-101) 1976 NASA publicly unveils space shuttle Enterprise in Palmdale, Calif 1976 Ringo releases "Ringo's Rotogravure" album 1977 Dave Kingman hits his 1st Yankee homer, Reggie hits 2 more 1978 Begin, Sadat & Carter sign the Camp David accord 1978 Red Sox finally beat Yanks in Sept, 1978 7-3 1980 Solidarity labor union in Poland forms 1982 NJ Devils 1st exhibition game, beating the Caps 3-1 in Hershey Pa 1983 Vanessa Williams of NY became 1st black Miss America 1984 Brian Mulroney sworn in as Canada's 18th PM succeeding John Turner 1984 Met's Dwight Goodin becomes 2nd to strikeout 32 over 2 cons games 1985 Soyuz T-14 carries 3 cosmonauts to Salyut 7 space station 1986 Marina Stepanova of USSR sets the 400m hurdle woman's record (52.94) 1986 US Senate confirms William Rehnquist as 16th chief justice 1987 Phila celebrates 200th anniversary of the Constitution 1988 Jeff Reardon becomes 1st to record 40 or more saves in both AL & NL 1989 Hurricane Hugo begins 4 day sweep through Caribbean, killing 62 1989 NYC court of appeals overturns lower court decision & returns America's Cup back to the US (from New Zealand) 1990 Newspaper Guild votes 242-35 to keep NY Post publishing 1990 Soviet Union & Saudi Arabia restore diplomatic ties 1991 4,355 turn out to see the Expos play the NY Mets at Shea Stadium 1991 North & South Korea joins the UN �2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess. The girl had had enough of this particular character. "These are the breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free! Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in addition to the BEST humour around...all without any ads at all! Guaranteed! <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� The poll that ran over the last few weeks asked you if you ever visited the Purehumour Archives...the results were a dead-heat... a 50/50 split! So please take the time to have a look at the archives...spiders need love too! Now it is a question of war? Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note: "Bring a friend, if you have one." Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he had a previous engagement. He also attached the following: "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Go Get Yourself A Dam Job <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/39.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/39.html Bark Street Boys <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/45.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/45.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Tech support people like me spend our days on the phone with customers. Many like to chat while waiting for their computers to reboot. One man told me he'd been a long-haul truck driver. I'd love to drive a big rig," I said, "but I'd worry about falling asleep at the wheel." "Here's a tip to stay awake," he offered. "Put a $100 bill in your left hand and hold it out the window." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Regular is King... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.968 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.968 I'm Chilly... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.969 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.969 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� John and Greg driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic. John says, "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree." Greg says, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road." They fought for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road. All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them. John says, "You were right! If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� From the creators of Oska and Tahni comes a brand new and fun creation...get him for FREE at: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/15.html ">TeeCee!</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� All About Men 1. The nice men are ugly. 2. The handsome men are not nice. 3. The handsome and nice men are gay. 4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married. 5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money. 6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money. ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� They say God is neither black nor white, male nor female.... Does that mean Michael Jackson is God? ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� Which people were the first to utilize precise surgical techniques? A. The Spanish Inquisition B. The Greeks C. The Celts D. The Japanese --- During what period in a person's life do antenatal diagnostic procedures occur? A. Just after birth B. Before death C. Just after death D. Before birth <Answers in Next Issue!> Last Issue's Answers: [No questions last issue] � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Honey Let Me Explain <a href=" http://www.comedyezine.com/sasha5.htm ">Click</a> http://www.comedyezine.com/sasha5.htm Another Shaved Pussy <a href=" http://www.comedyezine.com/sasha6.htm ">Click</a> http://www.comedyezine.com/sasha6.htm ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> VIRUS ALERT! TO: ALLUSERS SUBJECT: VIRUS ALERT! There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propagated through the email system. If you get an email message with the subject: "VIRUS ALERT!" do not open the mail message. If you do, the virus scrambles the second half of every text file on your system. VERY IMPORTANT: If you do get this virus, the first thing dlkfjaid dfdjas nairb gfdq40wt yaj asdfsdg dluog av da agj asdfajpg as dflasidffnm asd difvu asdfa vgoiae vdsofj we dasdf 9efm sd dag0 g adf as dg 0vbwe ads gwefawe ads vewerwe dsf! <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------��� In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the past! Sept 17 1999 <a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m300.html ">Click</a> http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m300.html ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� Our family has had many happy outings together. Trips to New York, trips to Florida, trips all over the country -- each come to mind. However, there was one December that will always remain as our favorite. That was the time that we bought that wonderful and very inexpensive camping tent. We will never forget it. It was the winter of our discount tent. ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Play BlackJack <a href=" http://humorcorner.com/dmp/blackjack.html ">Click</a> http://humorcorner.com/dmp/blackjack.html Test Your Typing Skills <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/typetest.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/typetest.html ���-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------��� A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj "We should go back." Said Sam with a tremble in his voice. "How"? Asked Rex. "It's OK guys." Mumbled Shep. "I'm so scared I have been piddling the whole way. We just have to follow my trail." Back at home base the pack sat in a circle but no one said a thing. Each seemed like they wanted to speak but no one knew what to say. They all avoided eye contact with each other staring at the ground or gazing into the cobalt sky, except for Sam. Sam had his eyes transfixed on Rex. He wasn't staring at Rex but more looking through him. Rex grew more uncomfortable with Sam's glare and finally snapped, "WHAT? What are looking at"? Sam never moved his eyes but began to speak slowly and softly. "I see something, just over your right shoulder." Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The Arkansas State Police received reports of illegal cock fights being held in the area around Caraway and duly dispatched the infamous Detective Sergeant "Paul" Desormeaux to investigate. He reported to his lieutenant the next morning. "Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin" he began. "Good work. Who are they?" the lieutenant asked. Desormeaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia." Puzzled the lieutenant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?" "Well," was the reply, "I went down and done seed dat cock fight. I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight." The Lieutenant nodded, "I'll buy that, but what about the others?" Desmoreaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns were involved wen summbody bet on de duck." "Ah," sighed the Lieutenant, "And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?" "De duck won." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A camel and a elephant met . The elephant asked the camel: Why do you have your tits on your back? The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies : That's a silly question from someone who has a cock on his face! ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Full Of It <a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/fullofit.htm ">Click</a> http://www.j-j-c.net/fullofit.htm How Men Dress Themselves <a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/flowsheet.htm ">Click</a> http://www.j-j-c.net/flowsheet.htm ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� [Any women want to put this to a test? I do own my own business ;) ] Bosses are better in bed, according to a new study. A survey of hundreds of Italian women found two-thirds found greater sexual satisfaction from "powerful men in socially respected positions". The Institute for Interdisciplinary Psychology, which conducted the study, surveyed women aged between 25 and 55. A spokesman for the institute said the reason why women find men in power better in bed was because they bring them a "sense of security". Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding ... and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear, and continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!" ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] B O N Z A I ! [||||] Tokyo claims that the discovery of a two man submarine sunk by a US destroyer prior to the Rising Sunners' early wakeup call at Pearl Harbor proves that FDR & Co. started WWII. (AP) They claim the unlucky sub was owned by a sushi company looking for endangered whales. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� This woman stands at the gates of heaven and St. Peter asks her. "Are you a virgin?" She replies "Yes" with a blank expression. "Well we will have an angel examine you and if you are a virgin you may enter." She leaves with the angel and they come back and the angel whispers to St. Peter. "Her maidenhead is intact but you should know that there are many tiny dents in it." "Alright. You've passed. What is your name?" "Snow White!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Never Pay for Condoms! Check out FreeCondoms.com... <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/5.html ">Click here</a> ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Close encounters... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.970 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.970 Go practice... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.971 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.971 ���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------��� A woman who escaped from mall security guards with $900 of clothing from a Miami, Florida department store jumped into the parked car of two off-duty police officers in an ill-fated attempt to hide. Marsha Reid, 19, of Fort Lauderdale, was charged with retail theft, resisting arrest without violence and escaping from police. Security guards at Dadeland Mall stopped Reid and her teen-age friend as they tried to leave a store with bags full of clothes they hadn't paid for, according to police reports. Reid slipped out of her handcuffs, ran to the parking lot, and climbed inside a parked car that had its front door open, hoping to hide. The dark blue Ford Taurus belonged to two Miami-Dade Police officers, Maj. Grace O'Donnell and her husband, Lt. James O'Donnell, who were putting their purchases in the trunk. A security guard ran to the lot and the officers pointed him to Reid. ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Jack is telling his friends about his recent divorce. "Yeah, she divorced me for her religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn't have any." ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� This Week's Laughing Stalk by Erik Deckers Do As I Say, Not As I Do "Do as I say, not as I do," was one thing my dad was fond of saying when I was a kid. While he never actually directed it toward me -- he held himself to the same standard he held me to -- he said it to illustrate how people had double-standards, and expected others to live by their rules, while refusing to live by them themselves. Think of Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, Bill Clinton, Dan Burton, and any other politician or religious leader whose wagged their fingers at the public about morality and family values until it was revealed they did the things they were wagging about. I'll let you make your own jokes about Bill Clinton and wagging. But sex isn't the only thing that falls into the "Do As I Say, Not As I Do" category. According to the Bonehead of the Day Award (http://bonehead.oddballs.com) and a story in the Monterey County (California) Herald, it's happening at the Salinas City Fire Department. The Department received a "Government as good as it gets" Bonehead Award after the their administration center caught fire on Wednesday, September 4th and suffered severe smoke damage. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal -- stories of fire departments catching fire have been the subject of numerous sitcoms for years -- but after this fire, it was pointed out that the administration center didn't have any sprinkler systems, smoke detectors, or alarm systems. "Ha ha," you're saying to yourself. "What an odd coincidence." But it gets better. Fire Marshal Norcliff Wiley's office is in the administration center. The Fire Marshal is the guy in charge of making sure people have sprinkler systems, smoke detectors, and alarm systems in their homes, commercial and industrial buildings. Or as the Department's own website (www.ci.salinas.ca.us) puts it: "(The Fire Marshal) conducts building inspections, fire investigations and building plan checks relative to fire prevention." If you were to look up "irony" in the dictionary, you would find a picture of Norcliff Wiley with a look of stunned astonishment. "Tell me about it -- I'm the fire marshal and it's my office," Wiley told the Herald. "How much worse can you get? The irony. . . I just can't ignore." The building was built in 1974, eleven years before a city ordinance required all buildings to have appropriate fire prevention equipment. And because the building is not a house or commercial building, they're still not required to have it. At one point, someone had made a proposal to install the necessary equipment, which Wiley supported. However, he believes the cost of the system has prevented the city from installing it, regardless of whether of the hypocrisy that the city's fire prevention guy doesn't have fire prevention equipment in his building. There is also no word as to whether the cost of repairs will be more or less than the original prevention system. However, despite the glaringly obvious opportunity to lead by example, Wiley says he can't require anyone to install the equipment, because it's beyond the scope of the fire code, and therefore, out of his hands. "I can't even require my own employer, the city of Salinas," he said. "It's not my job." By an amazing coincidence, the "it's not my job" attitude is being seen on various roads in the United Kingdom. According to a recent story in England's Sun newspaper (official motto: "We've got topless women on Page 3. Let's see the Times do THAT!"), road workers employed by the Frome, Somerset city council are sticking to the "it's not my job" principle as if it were a new Commandment hand-delivered by God. Their job was to paint white lines on the shoulders of the road. Sounds pretty straightforward: see a shoulder of the road, paint a white line on it. So what do they do when they find a dead badger lying on the shoulder of the road? Do they move it? No way. Do they call a supervisor and stand around for two hours waiting for him to show up so he can move it? Not even close. They paint right over it. They don't move the badger, they don't take a shovel and flick him into the grass, and they don't call People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals to have a proper badger funeral. They just look at him, shrug their shoulders, and keep on painting. Think that's an isolated incident? Think again. It's so bad that Jerry Lerman, owner and moderator of the Bonehead of the Day website has created the "UK council yellow line bungle bonehead award," which he gives to anyone who can't paint lines on a road. Lerman has even suggested that the UK should be banned from buying yellow paint altogether. You're probably asking, "it's not that bad, is it?" Apparently it is. Since August 12, Lerman has given the UKCYLBBA (possibly pronounced "ucky-leeba") four different times to four different city councils in the UK for the "it's not my job" attitude displayed by their road painters or police force. One crew was so bad, they painted around an orange traffic cone rather than move it. Another created an eight yard long curved bike path. And in Edinburgh, the police ticketed hundreds of cars for parking on a yellow line, two days before the line was painted. Apparently the crew couldn't find any cones or badgers on the road, so they skipped it. (The Edinburgh council refused to revoke the tickets in a majority of the cases). So what does all this mean for Salinas Fire Marshal Norcliff Wiley and his smoke-damaged office? Probably nothing, until it comes time to paint his office. Then he can just stick a dead badger to the wall and see what happens. Laughing Stalk Syndicate Copyright 2002 -- Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at http://www.kconline.com/deckers. Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! ****NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW**** Free Amateur Ezine <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=18&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=18&u=purehumour Free Amateur Yearbook <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=93&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=93&u=purehumour Free Anal Ezine <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=1&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=1&u=purehumour Free Anime Ezine <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=49&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=49&u=purehumour Free Anime Yearbook <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=105&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=105&u=purehumour Free Asian Ezine <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=19&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=19&u=purehumour Free Asian Yearbook <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=97&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=97&u=purehumour Free Ass Ezine <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=2&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=2&u=purehumour Free Balloon Ezine <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=54&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=54&u=purehumour Free BBW Ezine <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=20&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=20&u=purehumour Free BBW Yearbook <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=107&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=107&u=purehumour Free BDSM Ezine <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=21&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=21&u=purehumour Free BDSM Yearbook <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=106&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=106&u=purehumour Free Bears Ezine <a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=3&u=purehumour ">Click</a> http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=3&u=purehumour More adult sites: http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/adult/ ���--------------------IMPORTANT INFORMATION!--------------------��� When forwarding this ezine please leave this trailer message in place. None of this material is considered copyright...it is considered in the public domain. If any material is copyrighted please notify me at <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Copyright</a> and proper credit will be given. It has been collected from various sources and submitters names have been included when given. Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour! Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a> Do you have a product, website or mailing list?? Interested in advertising on Purehumour?? Ad rates are only $2.00 CPM More details? <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Ad Rates</a> Email submissions to: Jokes: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Send Jokes</a> Purehumour Joke Ezine as a whole is copyright � Paul Croft-2002 All Worldwide rights reserved! Purehumour is published in small town Canada...all views expressed are not necessarily those of the publisher and should not be taken as such...they are meant in the spirit of humour and nothing else! If offended by a selection in this issue...please hit delete! Some material in Purehumour is written exclusively for Purehumour... this material is marked as such! Copyright is retained by the original author and any reproduction in whole or in part without the expressed written permission of the author and also the publisher of Purehumour is strictly prohibited! The BEST Lists around: Purehumour (the Original)-Sent Almost Daily: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]?subject=subscribe ">Purehumour</a> or visit: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists Page</a> PHWeekly (Purehumour Lite) - Sent Saturdays Subscribe: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]?subject=subscribe ">PHWeekly</a> or visit: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists Page</a> Weird News Ezine (A clean look at bizarre news) - Sent Saturdays <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]?subject=subscribe ">Weird News Weekly</a> or visit: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists Page</a> To cancel (unsubscribe) from these mailings...please visit: <a href=" http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com/purehumour.html ">Unsubscribe Page</a> These are the worst jokes in history...the jokes that were banned from Purehumour...get them now! Send a blank email to: <this is an autoresponder> <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Banned Jokes</a> Archives at: <a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj ">Archives</a> Website: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com ">Homepage</a>
