[Purehumour] Tuesday Ticklers

[Purehumour Family Autobot]

���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->���
and
���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->���
presents

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

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Good Morning! Purehumour took an unscheduled break last week after my
web-host crashed big time! To combat this I have moved to a new (and
better) hosting service! This also means that the Purehumour Family is
expanding...more lists will soon be added to the Purehumour Family of
lists as I complete the final arrangements with some other list owners!

So now we are playing catch-up! Thanks for your patience and thanks to
those of you who took the time to write and ask if anything was wrong...
nice to know that I was missed! ;)

Today's issue includes contributions by: Terri, John,. Nevanish, Pat,
Barb, Colorado Kid, D.A. Funk, SunAmy.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@;paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���
Lets start with a quickie:

Why did the cops in New York take the emergency number '911' off
their cop cars?

Puerto Ricans kept stealing them thinking they were Porsches!

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

A friendly place...
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���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------���
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down
from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm
lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon,"
he said to the bartender. "We got her" replied the bartender. "She's
upstairs in the second room on the right.

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker
and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked
the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking
for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon." The woman
inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"

Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you
know I want that position first?" asked the miner. "I don't replied
the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."

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���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------���

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���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------���

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1945 Melba Moore NYC, singer/actress (Ellis Island)
1947 Richard Dreyfuss Brooklyn NY, actor (Jaws, Nuts)
1948 Kate Jackson Birmingham Ala, actress (Rookies, Charlie's Angels)
1953 Denis Potvin Ottawa Ontario, NY Islander defenseman (Norris trophy)
1959 Jesse Barfield Ill, outfielder (Blue Jays, Yankees, 1986 HR leader)
1960 Finola Hughes actress (Anna-General Hospital, Staying Alive)
1961 Randy Jackson rocker (Jacksons-ABC)
1965 Steven Sweet Wadsworth Ohio, heavy metal artist (Warrant-Cherry Pie)
1971 Winona Ryder [Horowitz], Mn, actress (Heathers, Edward Scissorhand)

.....and on this day in history:

1950 Wally Triplett avgs 735 yards on 3 kickoff returns
1956 Chet Huntley & David Brinkley, NBC News, team up
1956 IDF crosses Egyptian territory in the Sinai
1956 International zone of Tangier returned to Morocco
1956 Israeli paratroopers drop into the Sinai to open Straits of Tiran
1957 A hand grenade explodes in Israel's Knesset (Parliament)
1959 10 nation soccer league to play all games on NY Randalls Is, announced
1960 Chartered C46 carrying Cal State's football team crashes, kills 16
1960 Muhammad Ali's (Cassius Clay's) 1st professional fight, beats Tunney Hunsaker in 6
1963 "Meet the Beatles" booklet is published
1964 Star of India & other jewels are stolen in NY
1964 Town of Karmiel founded in the Galilee
1966 National Organization of Women founded
1972 Don Cockroft of Cleveland Browns kicks 57-yard field goal
1975 Yorkshire Ripper Peter Sutcliffer kills first
1979 Billy Martin fired as Yankee manager (2nd time)
1982 Car maker John DeLorean indicted for drug trafficking, later acquitted
1982 Paul McCartney & Michael Jackson release "The Girl is Mine"
1984 Orlando Pizzolato (2:14:53) & Greta Weitz (2:29:30) win NY Marathon
1987 Thomas Hearns wins unprecidented 4th different weight boxing title
1988 2,000 US anti-abortion protesters arrested for blocking clinics
1988 China announces a herbal male contraceptive
1988 Jim Elliott (US) begins 24-hr paced outdoor race for 548.9 mi
1988 Soviets 1st scheduled shuttle launch (postponed)
1989 NYC MTA opens the 63rd street extension to the subway
1990 30 die in a (5.7) earthquake in Algeria

�2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

A New York kinda' guy and his girlfriend were driving across the
desert when they had a flat tire on the car. Getting out, the
boyfriend was about to start changing it, when he spotted a cowboy
sitting on his horse, rolling a smoke.

He told his girlfriend that he would make the cowboy change the
tire and for her just to wait there.

"Hey, Asshole, get down off of that horse and come over here and
change this tire," he said.

The cowboy continued to roll the smoke and ignored him. "Hey,
Shithead, I told you to get over here and change this tire or I'm
going to kick your ass."

The cowboy looked at him and then said, "I'll tell you what,
Fella. I'm going to finish my smoke. Then I'm going to get down
off my horse, kick your ass, and make you change that tire. Then
while I screw your girlfriend, and I'm gonna make you hold my
balls up out of the hot sand."

Later, as they were driving on across the desert, the girlfriend
says, "That cowboy was pretty tough, wasn't he, Baby?"

"Naw, he wasn't so tough," said the guy. "Did you see him flinch
every time I dropped his balls in the hot sand?"

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���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------���

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���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------���

I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not
Gary Cooper.
-Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in Gone
With The Wind.

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

I asked God for water, He gave me an ocean.
I asked God for a flower, He gave me a garden.
I asked God for a friend, He gave me YOU All!

Who says God doesn't have a sense of humour???

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

On their honeymoon the new husband told his bride, "I have
a confession that should have made before, but I was
concerned that it might affect our relationship."

"What is it?" she asked.

"I'm a golfer," he said.

"What's the big deal about that?" she asked.

He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that I'll be on
the course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon, and any
holidays. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and
golf -- golf wins."

She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for your
honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that
I've concealed something about my own past that you should
know about. I'm a hooker."

"No problem," was his response, "just widen your stance a
little and overlap your grip and that should clear right up."

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���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------���

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Anni was taking her first skydiving lesson. The instructor
told her to jump out of the plane and pull her rip cord,
explaining that he himself would jump out right behind her
so that they would go down together.

Anni understood and was ready.

Just before it was time for Anni to jump out of the plane, the
instructor reminded her that he would be right behind her. She
jumped, and, after being in the air for a few seconds, pulled the rip
cord. The instructor followed her out of the plane. He pulled his rip
cord but the parachute didn't open. As he struggled to pull the
emergency rip cord, he shot downward and darted past Anni.

Seeing this, Anni quickly undid the straps to her own parachute,
and yelled after him, "So you wanna race, huh?!"

���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------���

I wonder if a fish goes home and exaggerates the size of the bait it stole.

���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------���

Which city is the birthplace of Oktoberfest?

A. Munich
B. Berlin
C. Dublin
D. Cincinnati

<Answers in Next Issue!>

27/10

Last Issue's Answers:

Which fact is NOT true of lion prides?

A. They are just like sororities with an initiation


� Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

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���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------���

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation
is expected.>

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God
bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."


Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot
about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month
or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers
again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."

The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was
getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.
Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons
prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't
say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he
would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and
dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still
alive! When he got home he appologized to his wife. "I am sorry
Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."

"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD
DAY!?" the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my
doorstep this morning!"

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------���

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!

October 29th 1999:

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m334.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m334.html

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���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------���

During a performance at the International Jugglers Association show in
Rapid City, S.D., a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts
managed to avoid the damaged area until a man who was juggling boxes,
accidently stepped through the hole up to his knee. He apologized to the
audience for his clumsiness, prompting a heckler to shout, "Don't worry
dude, it's just a stage your going through."

���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------���

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���-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------���

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj

With that Sam gave the box a swipe with his paw and
tumbled over. Instead of a cat they saw only a hole
in the ground. Peering in they guessed how deep the
hole might go. For lack of knowing what else to do
they began to bark into the hole and then hoped for
a response. They heard nothing but as they looked
into the hole they saw a pair of glowing cat eyes.

The eyes startled them at first but they felt more
comfortable in recognizing the cat eyes. As if someone
started turning on lights more and more cat eyes began
to pop up. Soon the hole was full of shining eyes and
the dogs began to get scared again.

Instinctively they backed away and wondered out loud
how many cats there might be in the hole.

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Juan and Bill were discussing life in general over
drinks one night. Bill casually commented, "My
grandfather lived to be 96."

"Ninety-six? What finally got him?" Asked Juan.

"Liquor and women."

"Well, that just goes to show ya," Juan snickered,
"both will get you in the end."

"Well actually, no, it's not what ya think. Towards
the end, Grandpa couldn't get either one, so he just
laid down and died."

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were discussing when life begins.

"Those of my faith," said the minister, "believe that life starts
when the heart begins to beat."

"We take a different view," said the priest. "We believe life
starts at the moment of conception."

"Well," said the rabbi, "it is our belief that life starts when
the kids move out and the dog dies."

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

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���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------���

A man in Singapore has been sent to jail for four
years for getting his own back on his ex-girlfriend.

The man hacked into her email account and sent
pictures of them having sex to her friends and
relatives.

She only found out what had happened when her friends
told her.

The man, who has not been named for legal reasons, has
been jailed for four years for computer crimes, taking
obscene pictures to distribute them and possessing
obscene films.

According to the Straits Times the couple had originally
taken the photos "for personal viewing only".

The local prosecutor told the court: "Every time our
young victim leaves her house, she wonders whether the
person next to her on the bus recognises her for all the
wrong reasons.

"It is hardly an exaggeration to say that her life has
been virtually ruined. In all likelihood, the embarrassment
caused is not over but is being propagated on the Internet
as we speak."

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@;paulsfunhouse.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry.
It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change
something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels,
etc.). The Customer Service Representative told her
that J.C. Penney would be happy to make the
change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the
linens.

The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to change
the name of the groom."

���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------���

[||||] N O L T E J O L T E D [||||]

Sproketstar Nick Nolte, nabbed by SoCal smokeys in September DUIing his
'92 Benny across two lanes of Malibu blacktop in the wee hours was, per
the DA's plasmasamplers, well fortified with the date raper Gamma
Hydroxybutyrate. (LAD/10/24)

Which during his roadside sobriety test, he was unable to spell.

Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her
doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend
and my fiancee thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you
can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you
can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready
for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper
thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic
band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby-to-be will
fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire
to the honeymoon suite.

The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the
elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into
bed with her man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in," and she
snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was
that?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my
virginity snapping."

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my
balls!"

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���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

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���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------���

LARGO, FL -- At first, it seemed like the burglar had
caught a lucky break.

The man walked onto the Silver Bar's patio early Friday
and tried the door. It was unlocked. The burglar stepped
inside.

He didn't go to the cash registers, which were empty
anyway. Instead, he started pilfering the booze.

He swiped 26 bottles of beer, most of them Michelob
Lights. He also collected four bottles of the hard stuff:
Stoli Vodka, Absolut Vodka, Capt. Morgan's coconut rum
and 1800 Tequila.

That's more than one man can carry, so the burglar shed
his Dallas Cowboys jacket and started using it as a bag.
He stuffed bottles in the arms and pockets and hauled the
glass-bulked jacket outside the bar.

But unbeknown to the burglar, he had tripped a silent
alarm. And when a police officer walked up to the bar and
put a flashlight in his face just before 6 a.m., the
burglar dashed away.

Police searched for about an hour, but the man got away.
He did leave something behind: the Dallas Cowboys jacket.

And inside one of the pockets were documents with a man's
name, date of birth and personal information.

Police say the name on those documents is that of Marvin
Edington, a 44-year-old transient. One of the documents was
an arrest affidavit dated Nov. 7 chronicling how Edington
was arrested for trespassing. The other document was a
printout that had Edington's mug shot on it. The mug shot had
been taken Oct. 26, when Edington was arrested for having an
open container of beer.

Police say it is likely Edington is their burglar. Police
lifted fingerprints from the crime scene that they will
compare with fingerprints taken when Edington was previously
arrested.

Either way, police said, they want to find Edington and talk
to him.

"We're asking for help finding this guy," police spokesman
Mac McMullen said. "We need to talk to him."

Police said the burglar had dragged more than $100 worth of
booze out of the bar before the first officer arrived.

"It appeared he was making trips in and out of the bar with
the bottles," said Officer Randy Chaney, who was at the scene.
"He was basically filling up his jacket with as much as he
could carry away.

"He didn't touch the cash registers," Chaney added. "He
apparently had a single mission that evening."

���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���

Why does the Law Society prohibit lawyers from having sex
with their clients?

So the client can't be billed twice for essentially the same
service.

���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------���

This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers

Can't. . . Breathe. . . Need. . . Air
by Erik Deckers

Neckties are a funny thing.

People either love them or hate them. They wear them proudly, as a badge
of success. Or they struggle under the weight, like the chains worn by
Jacob Marley, Scrooge's dead business partner.

First introduced as the cravat by King Louis XIV of France, ties made
their way to England, and on to America. They were originally worn by
wealthy gentlemen, but were soon worn by any man who wanted to appear
well-dressed.

It's been said neckties symbolize power, success, wealth, as well as
oppression and strangulation of middle management. Some people have also
said ties are a phallic symbol, which is why I never wear a tie tack.

And now they're the cause of a sex discrimination complaint filed by a
British government employee.

Ian Jarman, who works for the Department for Work and Pensions in
Birmingham, England, is filing an official complaint against his
employer for sex discrimination, because they are forcing him to wear a
tie at the office.

Jarman has gone tie-less at his Job Centre Plus office (official motto:
In England, we spell it "centre.") for 26 years. But ever since a new
dress code was introduced, he has been forced to wear one. He has
already had two disciplinary hearings for failing to follow the new
code, and risks losing his job if he goes without a tie again.

Jarman told a BBC interviewer he's upset because "(w)omen are allowed to
wear an open shirt and trousers, many even wear a t-shirt. If I wear an
open shirt without a tie, it's a disciplinary offence for which I could
potentially get the sack -- it's sex discrimination."

However, an unnamed spokeswoman from the DWP disagreed. "The dress code
was introduced in April to give a more professional appearance to staff
who deal with members of the public," she told reporters, dressed
provocatively in a Cate Coles green and russet evening dress. "We
require a smart and professional image from all of our staff, but there
is no specific requirements for women."

"See? See?!" shouted Jarman, pointing his finger accusingly at some
female co-workers wearing sleeveless t-shirts with "Neener Neener
Neener" printed on the front.

Afterward, the reporters told their editors they weren't wearing the
Cate Coles dresses, pointing out that a group of overweight middle-aged
men in evening gowns would cause sudden blindness, despite Coles' design
talents.

"It is ridiculous. I have done this job for 26 years without wearing a
tie and it has never affected my ability to do the job," said Jarman,
who believes a person's clothing has nothing to do with their
professionalism. He then made flushing sounds with his tie and asked a
reporter to pull his finger.

But while many strippers may disagree with Jarman's idea of clothing and
job performance, he does have a point.

For years, I've heard that ties are an important part of presenting a
"professional" image, and for the past 12 years, I've worked in
different jobs where ties are required. Needless to say, I've heard more
lectures about professionalism and professional attire than Britney
Spears has stalkers.

"Professional how? You mean like a hit man?" I asked my boss one time,
while working at a large Midwestern university.

After a long lecture about the importance of not being a smartaleck, I
was given another, even longer lecture about the importance of
presenting a professional image to the other staff and students.

This lead me to ask questions like "What is professionalism?" "Why do we
worry about our appearance when our work is the most important?" and
"Hey, where are you going? I wasn't finished!"

But Jarman's point about professionalism and sex discrimination is a
valid one. If an organization makes a rule for one sex, but not the
other, that's discrimination. Requiring a man to dress a certain way
without making similar rules for women is unfair. And those rules would
result in a lawsuit if the tables were turned.

That means corporations avoid that problem like Madonna avoids celibacy.

I've talked with a number of people who say their companies don't have
specific dress codes for women for fear of sexual harassment lawsuits.
Instead, they require "professional/appropriate dress for women; suits
and ties for men," which creates problems for people like Ian Jarman.

And thanks to some gender fashion confusion over the years, certain male
fashions have become acceptable for women to wear, causing even more
problems for men.

In the '80s, I lost count of the women wearing men's sport coats with
the sleeves rolled up because it looked "kicky." But, short of a
fraternity prank gone horribly wrong, you'll never see men wearing
dresses on a regular basis.

But don't get me wrong. It's not my place to dictate fashion for anyone.
I would never tell a woman what she should or shouldn't wear, although
this will immediately change when my daughters turn 16.

However, I'm struck by the double standard of what is "acceptable"
fashion: men are laughed at and even arrested if they ever wore a dress
in public, but women are free to wear suits and ties if they like. Some
would argue this is fashion discrimination and extremely unfair.

Not me, of course.

I wear pants. Very rugged, extremely macho pants. Pants that have a
charcoal grill and a table saw in the pockets. Pants that can be used to
put out small house fires.

I would never consider wearing a dress. Not to make a statement against
fashion and gender inequality. Not to show solidarity for Ian Jarman in
his fight against sex discrimination. Not even if I just wanted to feel
pretty. There are just some lines that should never be crossed.

But kilts, on the other hand, are a whole different story.

Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2002

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.

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