���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Welcome to Tuesday...I am back after a whirlwind trip to Edmonton, Alberta on the weekend where my wife and I had some well-deserved R&R....we took in the movie "Signs" which is an absolutely AWESOME movie...see it NOW if you have the chance! I rode the "Mindbender" in "The Mall" (for the 5th time) which is a real thrill of a roller coaster that you just have to experience. And we just had a grand old time...but it is nice to be back. A friend of mine in Alabama has a son in grade 3 who is collecting postcards from around the world. If you'd like to send Josh a post- card from your home or from your travels...drop me an email to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Click</a> mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] and I will give you an address that you can send them to. This is a full year project that Josh is taking part in...and I'd love to see his mailbox get completely filled with cards! Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, SunAmy, Cathy, Jack, Cindy, Barb, Wayne, Keli, Pat. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: How long did it take to fill the red sea? A very long period. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� I'd buy one... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.633 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.633 New gadget... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.634 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.634 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: The MOST UNIQUE CONTEST IN THE WORLD! Open to residents of the USA and Canada... ******* WIN FREE TOILET PAPER ******* YES you can WIN Free Toilet Paper...get a 24 roll pack of toilet paper right to your door when you WIN the most unique contest in the world! FREE and SIMPLE to enter...check out the link below: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints - this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc. He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?" The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, . . . ."Anyone who's 99." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------��� If today is your birthday...you share it with: 1953 Peter Horton Bellevue Wash, actor (Gary-30 Something) 1955 Jay Acovone Mahopac NY, actor (Det Rado-Hollywood Beat) 1957 Cindy Nicholas Canada, swimmer, swam English Channel 19 times 1957 Jim "Bullseye" Bowen British TV game show host 1958 Lenny Henry British comedian (3 of a Kind) 1960 Elizabeth Alda daughter of Alan Alda, actress (Beth-Four Seasons) 1961 Linda Mantz NYC, actress (Frankie-Dorothy) 1961 Rick Rael heavy metal rocker 1964 Giuseppe Giannini Rome Italy, soccer player (Rome A Team) 1966 Courtney Gibbs Miss USA (1988)/actress (Baywatch) 1971 Ke Huy Quan Saigon Vietnam, actor (Sam-Together We Stand) .....and on this day in history: 1953 Russia publicly acknowledges hydrogen bomb test detonation 1955 1st airplane to exceed 1800 mph (2897 kph)-HA Hanes, Palmdale Ca 1955 Hundreds killed in anti-French rioting in Morocco & Algeria 1956 Republicans convene at Cow Palace 1957 Chic White Sox Bob Keegan no-hits Wash Senators, 6-0 1957 USAF ballon breaks an altitude record at 102,000' (310,896 m) 1957 White Sox Bob Keegan no-hits Senators 6-0 1958 Dale Long becomes 1st major league lefty catcher in 52 years 1958 Detroit Tiger Jim Bunning no-hits Boston Red Sox, 3-0 1960 Senegal breaks from the Mali federation; declaring independence 1960 USSR recovers 2 dogs; 1st living organisms to return from space 1961 Phillies set then dubious record of 23 straight losses 1964 President Johnson signs Economic Opportunity Act (totaling nearly $1 billion) 1965 Rolling Stones release "Satisfaction" (their 1st #1 US hit) 1968 650,000 Warsaw Pact troops invade Czechoslovakia 1971 FBI begins covert investigation of journalist Daniel Schorr 1974 Nolan Ryan pitch measured at record 161.6 kph (100.4 mph) 1975 Il-62 crashes south of Damascus, Syria, killing 126 1975 Viking 1 launched toward orbit around Mars, soft landing 1977 NASA launches Voyager 2 towards Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus & Neptune 1978 Gunmen open fire on an Israeli El Al Airline bus in London 1978 Mark Vinchesi of Amherst Mass keeps a frisbee aloft 15.2 seconds 1979 Singer Vikki Carr & Michael Nilsson wed 1980 NY Yankee Bob Watson hits Seattle Kingdome speaker, 2nd straight day 1980 Reinhold Messner of Italy is 1st to solo ascent Mt Everest 1980 UN Security Council condemns (14-0, US abstains) Israeli declaration that all of Jersualem is its capital 1982 Don Lever becomes the 1st captain of the NJ Devils 1985 1st NL pitcher to strike out 200+ in 1st 2 seasons (Dwight Goodin) 1985 Israel ships 96 TOWs to Iran on behalf of the US 1985 Hanspeter Beck of South Australia, finishes a 3,875 mile, 51 day trip from Western Australia to Melbourne on a unicycle 1986 Mail carrier Patrick Sherrill, Edmond Ok, shot 14 fellow workers dead 1986 Phils Don Carmen perfect game bid is broken in the 9th 1988 Yordanka Donkova of Bulgaria sets 100m hurdle woman's record (12.21) 1990 George Steinbrenner steps down as NY Yankee owner 1990 Iraq moves Western hostages to military installations (human shields) 1990 NY Yankee Kevin Mass is quickest to reach 15 HRs (approx 132 at bat) �2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher; I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week. When Ole found out, he was furious! He stormed back into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting twice his pay. The clerk explained that panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor. "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls it over his head and says.......Yep, diesel fitter!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free! Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in addition to the BEST humour around...all without any ads at all! Guaranteed! <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� There are some really good ones out there! Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip. -Will Rogers ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� ShoeBike <a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/phw11.html ">Click</a> http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/phw11.html Stupidity <a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/phw12.html ">Click</a> http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/phw12.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� <A Classic!> Cannibals captured an English man, an American man and a Polak on an Island All three were tied to the poles waiting to be cooked.. The cannibals approached the English man and the chief cannibal said to him... First we scalp you, and then we skin you and cook your flesh and use your skin for a canoe Do you have any last request? The English man requested a knife very well said the chief handed him a knife the English man said " God bless the Queen" and slit his throat. The Cannibals the went to the American Man, telling him as well, we first scalp you cook your flesh and use your skin for a canoe Do you have any last request? The American man requested a knife as well held the knife, and said, God Bless the USA and slit his throat as well The Cannibals then went on to the Polak, who was told as well as the others, we first scalp you.. Skin you, cook your flesh and use your Skin for a canoe.. Do you have any last request? And the Polak said, yes.. I would like a Fork A fork the cannibal chief said and looked puzzled.. But very well he handed him a Fork.. The Polak held the fork way up high and started to stab him self all over his Body.. Screaming the Word.. Fuck your Canoe ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Playing with Pop... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.635 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.635 New voting system... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.636 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.636 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he's perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed. "Son, there's been a bit of a mix-up," admits the surgeon. "I'm afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis." "What!" gasps the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?" "Oh, you might," the surgeon reassures him. "Just not yours." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� From the creators of Oska and Tahni comes a brand new and fun creation...get him for FREE at: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/15.html ">TeeCee!</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Sam cuddled up to Anni and softly whispered into her ear: "Could we make love, please dear?" Anni rolled over away from him. "Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied rather tersely. Too horny to read the obvious signals Sam pleaded. "Please, honey. I'll only stick it in for a minute" "What do you think I am," Anni retorted, "a fucking microwave?" ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� Which country dominated competitive automobile racing when it first began in 1894? A. France B. Germany C. England D. This is a trick question because the first automobile races did not take place until well into the 20th century. --- We all know that a clown is a performer, usually in a circus, who plays the fool, performs practical jokes, and does tricks to make people laugh. Which of these is NOT another name for a clown? A. Harlequin B. Gleeman C. Misanthropist D. Mirthmaker <Answers in Next Issue!> Last Issue's Answers: Where did the capital city of California get its name? C. It is named for a river which was named for the Christian sacraments --- Which country has NOT laid claim to New Orleans? C. England � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� New Postage Stamp <a href=" http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks9.html ">Click</a> http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks9.html SumoBallerina <a href=" http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks10.html ">Click</a> http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks10.html ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something. "Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?" "Yes, officer... I know I was speeding--but it is a matter of life or death." "Oh, really? How's that?" "There's a naked woman waiting for me at home." "I don't see how that is a matter of life or death." "If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man." <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?" The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night." "Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?" "Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers. "Do you want to try?" "No, but thanks anyway." "Why not?" asks the barman. "The steaks are too high." ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Strip BlackJack With Jasmine <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjjasmine.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjjasmine.html Don't Want Your Love <a href=" http://ezinesetc.com/jj11.htm ">Click</a> http://ezinesetc.com/jj11.htm ���-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------��� A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj "This is bad, really bad" he whined. Sam went back to him and with a nudge said, "Shep it will be OK, we just have to stick together." "Haven't any of you noticed?" Shep said angrily. "There are no smells, NOTHING"! The group began to sniff around and just as Shep had said nothing had any odor at all. The dirt didn't smell like dirt. The they noticed the dirt was all just a pale gray. Where there was once grass now was just flat lifeless, gray dirt. Porkey stepped up and said, "I don't know about you guys but I'd rather smell nothing than smell what Rex was doing in there." With that the dogs laughed. Their laughter went into the dark blue sky and seemed to carry for miles. Slowly, the dogs eyes began to adjust to their new surroundings and they gained confidence with each step they took. "Why don't we head down to the creek, see what that looks like." Rex said. Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Weird Sex Laws. [Now I don't know how many of these are really true....but I am going to be a lot more careful when traveling in the future!] In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth. Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms. Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!) In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds! The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts. An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer! A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts. In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job -- for men only -- called a corset inspector.) However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male." It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term. In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in. A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons. Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio -- a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!" No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� I was traveling between Baton Rouge and Houma the other day south of Napoleonville when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to Labadeville. The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?" "Yes, I sure do," I replied. "You a Democrat or Republican," asked the old man. "Republican," I replied. "Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off. Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question. Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave me the finger and drove off. I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans. The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Democrat or Republican. "Democrat!", I shouted. "Hop in!", replied the blonde. Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs. Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car." She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out. "What's the matter?", she asked. "I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already, I want to screw somebody." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Do Not Disturb <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/34.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/34.html A Blonde Completes the Puzzle 1 <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blndpuzz.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blndpuzz.html ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� An Italian couple have been arrested after refusing to stop having sex in a public swimming pool. They were caught by a caretaker, but the man told him he would continue until the woman reached orgasm. The caretaker called the police and officers arrested both the bathers at the Milan pool. They have been charge with indecent behaviour and are still in custody, waiting to appear before a local tribunal judge. Il Nouvo website reports the pair had apparently just met at the pool. Their names have not been revealed. The caretaker, who only gave his name as Giacomo, said: "Other customers called and asked me to intervene when these two started moaning heavily. "The woman stood topless in the water with her legs wide open and he was grabbing her from behind; all of this in front of several other customers. "I asked the man to stop, but he said he wouldn't stop before he'd finished." The caretaker alerted the police who arrested the two on the spot and charged them with indecent behaviour. They are currently in custody, awaiting to be sentenced by the local tribunal's judge. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A hacker went up to a club pro and challenged him to 18 holes of golf for $100. There was one catch, though -- the hacker gets two Gotcha's. The club pro, with his attitude, said, "No problem. Whatever the heck Gotcha's are, I'll still kick your behind all over the course. After the round, the two walked into the clubhouse. Others were stunned to see the club pro pay the hacker $100. They asked the pro how it happened. He remarked, "Well, when I was teeing off on the first hole, right in the middle of my backswing, he reached between my legs, grabbed my balls and yelled, 'Gotcha!' And you have no idea what it is like playing 18 holes waiting for the second Gotcha..." ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] J A S O N ' S C R E A T I O N [||||] Jason Priestly is recovering from injuries sustained from smearing his race car into a wall at a Mason-Dix celebrity grease grinder. (AP) He'll be okay, but the car is now in 90,210 pieces. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Some camping tips: * When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant. * Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants. * Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire. * When smoking a fish, never inhale. * A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes. * While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle. * Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Never Pay for Condoms! Check out FreeCondoms.com... <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/5.html ">Click here</a> ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Monday's <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.637 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.637 New Fangled Chair... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.224 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.224 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the please of one Senora Rodriguez that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently. "For stealing a loaf of bread," replied the offender's wife, nervously fingering her mantilla. "Is he a good husband?" "No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and really not much good at all." "It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?" "Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again." ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� If faced with the choice, what disease would you rather have Alzheimer's or Parkinson's? Parkinson's; it is better to spill half of your pint than to forget where you left it! ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� This Week's Laughing Stalk by Erik Deckers I Summon the Powers of Niyazov! Copyright 2002 Forget what you've heard about the President of the United States being the "leader of the free world." Forget that he's the leader of the largest economy and most technologically advanced nation on the planet. President George Walker Bush -- or any US president for that matter -- has never had as much power as Saparmurat Niyazov, President of Turkmenistan. In case you've missed the coverage of the war in Afghanistan, and you can't fill in the blank on "United States __ America" in less than three tries, then you probably didn't realize Turkmenistan has been in the news a lot because it's north of Iran and Afghanistan. It's nearly the size of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, and Michigan combined, with a population slightly bigger than Louisiana. However you probably still don't care about Turkmenistan, despite my attempts to expand your global awareness. But don't feel bad, I didn't know this stuff until I found it on the Internet yesterday. Turkmenistan is not a highly developed country, and isn't a major player in the world's economic market. But we should reconsider how we treat them. Apparently President Niyazov has more power than President Dubya could ever hope for, even if he made Harry Potter his vice president. Speaking of which, rumor has it that Harry Potter was on President Bush's short list of vice presidential candidates in 2000 until his aides convinced him it was impossible, since Potter is 1) too young, 2) not an American citizen, and 3) completely fictitious. So what's Niyazov done that has the gods quaking in their high-backed executive leather thrones on Mount Olympus? Has he developed ultra-nuclear capabilities? Can he turn lead into gold? Has he developed some sort of ray that will make Britney Spears less annoying? No, he has completely renamed all 12 months of the calendar to honor himself and his country. Not since Roman Emperor Julius Caesar renamed Quinctilis as July has any world leader tried to name one month, let alone all 12 after himself. Niyazov, who is officially known as Turkmenbashi (from the Turkmen, meaning "I bash Turkmens") has decreed that January will be known as -- what else? -- "Turkmenbashi." Niyazov, who actually prefers to be called "Turkmenbashi the Great" (or just "the Great" by his close friends and family), has named several cities, airports, and even a meteorite after himself. Unfortunately, this has lead to widespread confusion among the Turkmen people. News announcer #1: This just in: Astronomers in the Turkmenbashi Observatory have revealed that the Turkmenbashi meteorite is on a direct collision course with Turkmenbashi airport in Turkmenbashi City. News announcer #2: Which Turkmenbashi city was that, Turkmenbashi-News colleague? News announcer #1: I'm not sure, fellow Turkmenbashi-News colleague. It was in Niyazov Province, but I don't know if it's the Niyazov Province by the Caspian Sea or the Niyazov Province by Amu Darya River. Let's go to our Turkmenbashi-Remote Camera and a Turkmen bystander. Turkmen bystander: I haven't experienced anything so confusing since I visited Atlanta, Georgia and discovered every street, avenue, and road was named Peachtree! News announcer #2: Evacuation plans have been announced, but citizens have not moved an inch, since they're not sure exactly which city of Turkmenbashi they should flee to or from. And President Niyazov -- excuse me, President Great -- is on a roll. November will now be known as "Rukhnama," named after a spiritual guide he wrote last year. Other months will be known as "The Flag," "Independence," and "Mother," in a reference to -- what else? -- his own mother. Before anyone claims that this is the stupidest thing they've ever heard, you should give President Great a chance. After all, he can make you younger. On Tuesday, August 13, the Great Turkmen Basher decreed that people are still adolescents until age 25, and aren't officially old until they reach 85. This brought cries of joy and then violent coughing fits from the Turkmen elderly, since the life expectancy of a Turkmen male is 60, and a Turkmen female is 64. Unfortunately, this will also lead to problems of personal freedom when 22-year-olds try to get married and start families. New wife: But mommy, I want to consummate my marriage with my new husband! Mother: Not until you finish your vegetables and clean your room! Another unforeseen problem is the fact that since people won't officially be "old" before they start dying from old age, life insurance premiums will skyrocket. According to President Great's 12-year life cycle plan, anyone between the ages of 25 and 36 will be youthful, 37 to 49 will be mature, followed by "prophetic," "inspirational," "wise," and "Good God, aren't you dead yet?!" President Great, who is 62, is just starting the inspirational stage. But don't think that President Great has let his authority go to his head, despite the fact that his face is on all Turkmen currency and schoolchildren pledge allegiance to him every morning (let's see the California anti-pledge atheist top THAT!). No, President Great is still a humble man. Why, just a week ago, on Friday August 9th, President Great has apparently rejected the "president for life" mantle that was given to him by 2,000 members of the People's Council, the Turkmen version of Congress. The People's Council, who are personally hand-picked by the president, are apparently begging The Great Turkmen Basher to remain in office until his death. "You like me, you really like me!!" said President Great. Okay, he didn't really say that. What he said was: "Let's not make decisions concerning my personality. It's necessary to hold alternative presidential elections in 8 to 9 years." Gosh, President Great, you must really care more about the political process than you do your own ego and life of luxury. After all, you're proposing to run for president when you're 70 or 71, which is only 10 or 11 years past the average life expectancy of a Turkmen male. I'm just so impressed and awe-struck by President Niyazov's act of unselfishness and giving that I. . . I. . . I'm sorry, I just can't say it with a straight face. That's the biggest load of Turkmenbashi I've ever heard. -- Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at http://www.kconline.com/deckers. 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