���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! FREE CONTEST: Starting today...and every day until Sept 28th... enter your name to win a FREE personally signed copy of Kim Burke's brand new book "Incidents and Accidents for Frazzled Women"...I have arranged for Kim to personally autograph the book to the winner of the contest! Full details and entry form are at: <a href=" http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com ">Click</a> http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com Send in your 9-11 memories...I am working on a special non- humour edition for Sept 11, 2002...if you have anything that you wish to share please sent it to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Click</a> mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Purehumour is now available in an ad-free version for a small fee...more details available at: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Ad-Free</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html WIN $50.00 just by subscribing...a new winner each month starting in August! Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Rubin, Barb, Marie, Wayne, Keli, Carol, John. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: Have you heard about the amazing new discovery? It's a pill that is half aspirin and half glue for people who have splitting headaches. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� The REAL happy meal. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.538 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.538 Taking the piggie to the bank <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.539 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.539 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: o~~o~~o~~o~~o~~o~~o~~o The Thieving Joker o~~o~~o~~o~~o~~o~~o~~o All the best jokes on the net, BEFORE they show up on every joke list. The Thieving Joker tries not publish the same joke twice. Warning! The jokes are often adult-oriented. You've been warned! Subscribe! mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] Check out our site! http://www.thievingjoker.net ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?" "The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� An Alexander County deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car. A drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Might as well take my ass on to jail, theres no way in hell I can pass that test." ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� Do you race them? Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "It was this week in 1860 that the first Pony Express mail was delivered. It took 3 weeks to get the mail across the country, half the mail was lost, and every postal worker carried a rifle. So basically, nothing's changed." -Jay Leno ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Getting TP'd. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.540 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.540 A really wishful mirage... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.166 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.166 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� THE POLITICALLY CORRECT WAY.... She's not a CHICK or a BABE - She's a BREASTED AMERICAN. She's not HALF NAKED - She's WARDROBE IMPAIRED. She's not CONCEITED - She's INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES. She's not EASY - She's HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. She doesn't GAIN WEIGHT - She's a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER. She hasn't BEEN AROUND - She's a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She doesn't FLIRT or TEASE - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. She doesn't TURN YOU ON - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT. She doesn't WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. She doesn't have a KILLER BODY - She's TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE. She's not KINKY - She's a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION. She doesn't get CHUBBY or FAT - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY. She doesn't get TIPSY or DRUNK - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She's not HORNY - She's SEXUALLY FOCUSED. She's not COLD or FRIGID - She's THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE. She doesn't WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She reaches COSMETIC SATURATION. She doesn't have BREAST IMPLANTS - She's GRAVITY RESISTANT. She doesn't NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE. She's not a SLUT - She's SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. She's not LOOSE - She's MORALLY IMPAIRED. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She's PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� I Always Know When You Have An Orgasm <a href=" http://64.246.18.78/Funlinks/8.html ">Click</a> http://64.246.18.78/Funlinks/8.html Women Look For This But <a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-06j.html ">Click</a> http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-06j.html Bad Come On Line <a href=" http://www.comedyezine.com/b6.htm ">Click</a> http://www.comedyezine.com/b6.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organised for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. "Your bat," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side." Feelings hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in Yankee Stadium." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� From the creators of Oska and Tahni comes a brand new and fun creation...get him for FREE at: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/15.html ">TeeCee!</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, Hello, darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. But, I don't want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or worse. I want to know all the information from top to bottom, from A to Y !' The voice on the other end of the line said, "That's a very unusual request....What is the patient's name and room number ? " She said, 'Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302.' He said, 'Finkel, Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber, Finkel. Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock.' The woman said, 'Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh, thank God! Her test came back normal, she's getting off the heart machine in a couple of hours you say. Oh! that's fantastic, darling! And she is being released tomorrow at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that! . . . That's wonderful news!' The man on the phone said, 'From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!' She said, 'What close family or friend? I'm Sarah Finkel in 302 ! Cohen my doctor tells me nothing." ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� What is the primary language of most residents of Montreal? A. English B. French C. Canadian D. Montrealese --- What states and/or territories in the United States have the most and least number of registered boats? A. New York and South Dakota B. Florida and Indiana C. Michigan and American Samoa. D. Pennsylvania and Iowa <Answers in Next Issue!> Last Issue's Answers: In 1998, an orangutan at the Toronto zoo died during a fight over what? C. Cookie --- Which lion cub fact is NOT true? D. They remain dependent on mother until age 5 � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Modern families... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.541 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.541 Check the numbers... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.542 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.542 ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> The Top 15 Signs You're "Suffering" from Sudden Wealth Syndrome 15 Regis: "Is that your final answer?" You: "Whatever." 14 Holed up in your mansion playing your thousandth straight game of Doom jacked up on Jolt, you feel a sudden twinge of nostalgia for the heady days of being holed up in your dorm room playing your thousandth game of Tetris jacked up on Jolt. 13 "Automatic ass wiper for $15,000? I'll take two!" 12 It's been two months, and you're still working on the top half inch of that fifty-gallon drum of your favorite salsa. 11 MasterCard calls to find out why all of the sudden you're Supersizing every friggin' meal. 10 Instead of downloading the latest Stephen King novel from the Internet you hire the author to read it to you. In person. While tap-dancing. In his underwear. 9 You before: Refuse to pay back student loans to "stick it to The Man." You now: The Man. 8 After your recent hospital procedure, you threw a wad of C-notes at the nurse and shouted, "Free enemas for everyone!" 7 George W. Bush slobbers as he kisses your butt. 6 The spectacularly sharp image of Alan Greenspan on your new 200" HDTV is obscured by globs of flung-across-the-room caviar. 5 Before: Bought stuff at Old Navy; Now: Bought an Old Navy 4 You hire lackeys just to smack around your other lackeys. 3 You bought 1 million copies of 'N Sync's latest CD on the day it came out. 2 You can't decide whether the supermodels just love you for your money or whether not to care. 1 After the 17th Rolex, you decide to purchase a third wrist. <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� All but two of the dancers were in costume early for the matinee performance. At 1:55 the distressed director asked this pair of women why they were not yet in costume. The first one said, "it may seem like a silly superstition but I never put mine on until 1:58." 'What about you, the same thing?" he asked the other dancer. She replied, ."Oh yes, I have a two to two tutu, too! ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� The Perfect Male <a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/19.htm ">Click</a> http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/19.htm Heres Your Coffee Dear <a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph7.html ">Click</a> http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph7.html Whipped Man Magazine <a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-06i.html ">Click</a> http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-06i.html ���-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------��� A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj The winds continued to blow increasing ferocity. The dogs could hear things smashing against the house. They stayed huddled in a corner and tried not to shake in fear. The next sound they heard was indescribable. It wasn't so much a sound as it was a feeling. They could feel the earth move as if it was being shifted around beneath them. Dust fell from the ceiling and jars of fruit flew off the shelves. After that there was nothing but an intense silence. It seemed as though a huge vacuum had come and sucked up every sound in the universe. The dogs couldn't even hear themselves breathing even though they were all fighting for air. Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She can't find one so she looks innocently at the guy, takes his finger and sucks it. The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think I could have a urine test done?" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Sam came home one day to find that Anni, his wife, had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for Anni with no success. Two days after Anni disappeared, Sam returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't been home for so long. Anni replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week." Sam answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?" "I am only here to get something to eat." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Grandpa is stuck... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.543 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.543 Take me to your leader. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.544 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.544 ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� Residents of a Romanian village say women with moustaches are the most sought-after wives. Villagers in Baleni-Sirbi, Dimbovita county say moustaches are a sign of fidelity and fertility. Maria Nitoi, who's 47, told the Libertatea newspaper: "I like how I look with the moustache and I'll never shave it. It's a sign I come from a special place." A male villager said: "We think it's a sign of fertility. Girls with a moustache are the most dutiful and always get married first." Mrs Nitoi added: "My husband says he loves me as God made me. My aunt has a moustache and there are many other such women in our village. This is how we live here." Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A lawyer read the will of a rich man to the deceased's family: "To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave the house and $2 million." The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million." The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong: Hi Dan!" ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] S U N S H I N E S B R I G H T ? [||||] Thunderstorms are pounding Deep In The Heartville, forcing Texans to seek higher ground while racking up $10 million in damage. (AP) Unfortunately, the rains haven't interrupted Armadillo Central's parade of executions, though the Last Mile now involves a dinghy. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned. The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up. "I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble," offered the friend. "Did Mike leave you well fixed?" "Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars." "Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write." "Nor swim either," added the widow. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Never Pay for Condoms! Check out FreeCondoms.com... <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/5.html ">Click here</a> ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Police lineup... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.545 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.545 A nose for the Mr. Snowman. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.546 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.546 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� St Peter is standing at Heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids." "Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates." A few moments later a second man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travellers." "Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise." A few moments later a third man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was an Air Force Security Policeman, sir." "Excellent my son... I've gotta take a pee, watch the gate, will ya?" ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� What did the blonde do when she heard that there was a Wet T-Shirt contest? She brought all her dirty laundry. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� This Week's Laughing Stalk by Erik Deckers Can You Copyright a Toilet Flush? I thought I had heard it all. Or I guess it's what I DIDN'T hear. Some news from the British music industry may have some copyright lawyers wringing their hands and cackling with glee. Apparently, silence can be copyrighted. I'll bet you're gaping, open-mouthed in stunned silence, as you read this. Yes, silence can be copyrighted. And by gaping silently at these words, you're violating that copyright right now. Okay, that last part isn't true. But creating a silent track on your own CD can actually land you in some legal hot water, as Mike Batt, former member of the UK band The Wombles, is finding out. He's facing a potential lawsuit for copying silence from avant-garde composer John Cage ("avant-garde,"from the French meaning "No one cares except a bunch of black turtle-neck-wearing-ramble-on-about-existentialism coffee house barflies.") According to the London Independent (official motto: "You're Not the Boss of Me!"), Batt received a letter from the Mechanical-Copyright Protection Society, the British organization charged with collecting royalties for composers and publishers. The MCPS sent him a standard license form for his Postmodern composition, "A One Minute Silence," because he listed Cage as a composer, and supposedly demanded royalty payments for his own 60 seconds of non-sound. "Postmodern" is German for "avant-garde." The MCPS claims Batt used a quotation from Cage's piece "4 minutes, 33 seconds," a composition composed entirely of four minutes and 33 seconds of dead silence. Cage, being the clever avant-garde artist, named the piece to match it's length. It should have been titled "Truly Pointless and Stupid" so it could have matched the concept instead. But Batt says this isn't true. "My silence is original silence," he told the Independent, "not a quotation from his silence." And as he said in a National Public Radio interview this week, the composition is also original, ". . . because it's digital." Oh well, if it's digital, then what's all the fuss? The problem started when Batt gave credit to "Batt/Cage" on the composition (he said he did it "for a laugh"). But according to Andante Magazine, Gene Caprioglio, a representative of Cage's American publisher, says that Batt listed Cage on the credits for "obvious reasons. . . to evoke Cage's provocative 1952 composition." Provocative? What's so provocative about four minutes and 33 seconds of dead silence? The song would be provocative if it were a cover version of "Inna Gadda Davida" played on a xylophone made of herring tins, but just because it's as silent as a church on Monday morning doesn't make it provocative. It makes it BORING! But Caprioglio was steadfast. "If Mr. Batt wants to produce a minute of silence under his own name, we would obviously have no right to the royalties." Cage, obviously having some sort of genius' foresight that his "masterpiece" would possibly be copied by musical ne'er-do-wells, left strict instructions that allowed "4:33" to actually be any length. However, there was no word as to whether the title of the song would change as well, to say, "2:18," "17:00," or "Dear Lord, Will This Thing Never End?!" Cage's publishers, in an allegedly greedy attempt to get the thousands of pennies earned from Batt's composition, are arguing that Batt actually copied "4:33," but since his song was 3:33 shorter, he only copied part of it. "As my mother said when I told her, 'which part of the silence are they claiming you nicked?'" Batt told the Independent. What about those little 4 second gaps between songs on CDs? Who owns the copyrights to those? Does Cage, since he wrote the original recorded silence? But would Batt have a shot at them, since he was the first one to record silence digitally, and CDs are a digital medium? And since they're only 12% as long as Cage's original "masterpiece," will the royalties be prorated? One could conceivably argue that silence existed long before there was life on this planet, and therefore silence is actually public domain, just like "Happy Birthday." But that's not all. This silence controversy came just a few months after Jamie Kellner, chairman and CEO of Turner Network, said that when we don't watch TV commercials, we're committing theft. There's that open-mouthed gape again. Let me explain. In an April 29 interview in Cable World, Kellner railed against TiVo, fast forward buttons on VCR remotes, and flipping through the stations for three minutes. If you use any of these devices or tricks to avoid television commercials, he says, you're committing theft. "Your contract with the network when you get the show is you're going to watch the spots. . . (a)nytime you skip a commercial or watch the button, you're actually stealing the programming," Kellner told interviewer Stacy Kramer, without explaining what he meant by "watch the button." "What if you have to go the bathroom or get up to get a Coke?" Kramer asked. Kellner responded: "I guess there's a certain amount of tolerance for going to the bathroom." Gee, thanks Jamie. I'm glad you have "a certain amount of tolerance" for me not peeing on my couch as I watch your network. And since when do I have a contractual obligation with the network? If I'm contractually obligated to watch commercials, aren't they contractually obligated not to broadcast a load of crap? (Please make your own jokes about network programming and bathroom breaks.) I'd be interested in watching the commercials if they weren't the only things worse than the actual shows. I mean, who wants to watch Steve Urkel on old "Family Matters" reruns, or every single Atlanta Braves game? And don't give me that nonsense about everyone having different tastes, and trying to meet the programming tastes of different viewers. Why is it that you can't meet my programming tastes, but I have to sit through "Can you hear me now? Good!" The whole thing is enough to make me go Elvis Presley on my TV and shoot it. But I'm sure Kellner will have some reason why I can't, like it violates his Constitutional rights to make me watch commercials for feminine freshness products. But this gives me an idea for a song I call "3:57." I'll do an extended cover remix of Mike Batt's "A One Minute Silence" interspersed with the "Can You Hear Me Now?" phrase every nine seconds. I'll call it "Avant-Garde People Are Morons For Buying This CD." Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go violate my contract with network television. But I'll make sure I don't violate John Cage's copyrights when I do. -- Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at http://www.kconline.com/deckers. Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! 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None of this material is considered copyright...it is considered in the public domain. If any material is copyrighted please notify me at <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Copyright</a> and proper credit will be given. It has been collected from various sources and submitters names have been included when given. Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour! Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a> Do you have a product, website or mailing list?? Interested in advertising on Purehumour?? Ad rates are only $2.00 CPM More details? <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Ad Rates</a> Email submissions to: Jokes: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Send Jokes</a> Purehumour Joke Ezine as a whole is copyright � Paul Croft-2002 All Worldwide rights reserved! 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